Zookeeper's Wife

I know I'm basically a year behind, but I'm a mom and I use that excuse widely. 

If you're looking for an emotionally, eye opening, heart wrenching, thought provoking movie look absolutely no further. The zookeepers wife proves to be all of the above and more. 

It has always been hard for me to imagine the Nazi era, but I have been working hard to educate myself over the last years to better understand the histories of people around me. I still struggle to wrap my mind around the ingrained hatred that worked to motivate Word War II, and honestly I don't want to understand it. But, I do want to understand what led to it so that I can be best educated in how to prevent this level of hatred again.

I recently read Small Little Things by Jodi Picoult, and it too opened my eyes to experiences of racism for PoC. While I may be "woke" to the reality of these things existing, I am privileged in the sense that it isn't my daily life. 

I can't help but take a step back and reflect. How am I actively working against hatred? How am I pursuing a society of equity? How will I continue to respond as the hatred seems to be more vocal, more blatant, and more celebrated than ever before in my short life? These are questions that are quite literally keeping me up tonight. This movie. Oh my heart. This REALITY of so many- these babies being loaded in a train to be killed because of their looks and their beliefs. And a family who risked their marriage, safety, lives, and children to help others. 300+ people were saved because of their sacrifice. What will I sacrifice? What do I sacrifice? How could it be more? 

Worthington Farmer's Market

Having lived in Columbus for over 4 years, you'd think I would've taken advantage of the Worthington Farmer's Market... but we really haven't! I was so glad that a good friend and her baby (born just a few weeks before Annabeth) were willing to join Annabeth and I on Saturday as we explored all that the market has to offer!

One thing that I loved so much was that with parking at the Worthington United Methodist Church, you start exploring the market on the South East corner of the markets. Walking north, you explore some fantastic vendors- including coffee that you could smell a block away, natural honey, so many veggies, and more (like Peace Love and Little Donuts!).  Keep walking north and you pass my FAVORITE Columbus brunch spot, The Whitney House (omg the sausage). 

Then you hit the best part of the market... the park where the Columbus Folk Music Society was playing music.  The had a blanket with a large basket of kids music toys. My toddler, like many others, was absolutely enamored by the event.  She seriously had a blast.  Once she was ready to hop back in her Moby Sling, we walked south on the West side of High Street.  

The West side of the street boasted some of the most fragrant strawberries ever! My friend bought some and said they were amazing. There was even a few meat vendors selling local, organic products.  I loved the salsa and dip vendors with samples, as well!

One of the best parts of this Farmer's Market is how family friendly it truly is! There were so many families (and so many babywearers, too!) and puppies as well.  Annabeth absolutely loves going anywhere that she can people watch and this was seriously a fantastic Saturday morning event. Next time, I plan to bring a grocery bag and a list so that I'm more prepared to stock up on items I know we'll use the most!

What are your favorite Farmer's Markets in Columbus? Who are your favorite vendors?

Better If You Were Here

I lost my mother 20 months ago. And while the world and even family and friends largely expect me to be "healed" of my pain and grief, not a day, hour, event goes by where I don't think "wow, this is fun- but not as fun as it could or should Be". I know I am not the only one who has lost a mother, or parent, child, friend, or more- and I know my pain does not trump another's, but my pain is daunting and exhausting. Like I imagine yours may be, too.

My mother knew exactly what to say at any given moment. Feeling fat? She could encourage you to love yourself while encouraging you to be the best you. Huge zit? She could help you laugh off how much it stands out because really- it's not important. Hate your job? She'd let you vent and would remind you of how lucky your employer is.

These little moments are what I miss the most. There are dozens of moments each day that I want to hear her voice, her guidance, her wisdom. My mom was so young- but had lived so many lives. She knew a little bit of everything, and could and did answer all of my questions- which was a lot. She actually used to mock my siblings and I for how many questions we asked her! We assumed she knew everything so why not ask!

I also find myself missing how much she held so many people together. The dad I had with my mom is no longer here, nor myself nor my siblings. While that's not a "bad" thing necessarily, I just miss who we all were when she was here. Softer, gentler, joyful people we often were.

I miss family. I prided myself and identified my family as one of my biggest strengths in college entrance essays and job interviews. I now feel like a child from a broken home, because mine now is. Again, this is no ones fault and not necessarily "bad" just really sad and hard to accept. My siblings and I will likely be celebrating our last true family Christmas with our dad this year, and by last I only mean the last time with our fun silly Polen traditions. Everyone grows up and families change, but mine had to change too soon. Our family vacations may(?) still exist but they exist differently and less excitedly. Again, not bad, but different.

I believe all adults experience pain with their shift from nuclear family to their own family, but when that shift is forced upon them, it's challenging. My clinical mind analyzes this all the time while my heart just aches.

What's even more disheartening is that my mom would know exactly how to walk each of us through this experience and process. She'd guide my dad through how to embark on his new adventure with a new family while also keeping our family close. She'd help my sister navigate decisions she has been faced with regarding her job and life. She'd help my brother by talking through his college plans and dreams. She'd guide me through my marriage and hopeful mommy hood. She would know how to help us navigate our individual lives in the midst of our communal pain. But she is the one that's gone.

What I hold onto is that I know she spent enough time with me to teach me so many things, and I need to hold onto that as I face decisions and trials. I hope my siblings and dad do that, too.

A Married Woman

Well it is official (and I am late).  We were married on the COLDEST day October 4th has ever seen, a day with snow and hail, gray skies, and of course, a very happy new couple.  We were supposed to be married outside, but were instead married in a very romantic indoor ceremony that could not have been more perfect.  We felt surrounded by love and could not have dreamed of a better "party" to celebrate our love for one another. 

Here are some of my FAVORITE moments from the "Best Day Ever"

1. jumping on the bed with your favorite ladies is a MUST on your wedding day! I feel so blessed that the "getting ready" part of the day was honestly stress free! I was nervous and couldn't eat much, but we certainly weren't running around doing anything and I wasn't worried about things not getting done.  It helped to have the best wedding planner (Cynthia @ Bosc and Brie!) and great friends who oversaw some things for us at the venue.


2. riding the trolley to the venue was seriously a blast! I was getting nervous (not about marrying my man, but silly me was so stressed about wanting my guests to LOVE my wedding and I was stressing about it being perfect for OTHERS) and this great trolley (Columbus Trolley) had some mood lighting and jammed out some jams for us! It was the best, basically. (mood lighting not pictured...)

 

 

 3. Walking down the aisle with my dad was basically the best thing that could have happened, and at precisely the right time.  I was, again, nervous about all the people who would be looking at me and judging me (I'm not skinny enough, my dress isn't pretty enough, etc etc stupid girl worries) and my dad gave the best advice "when we turn the corner, you don't look at anyone in that room.  You find christopher, lock your eyes on him, and never move them".  Wow! I listened like the straight A student that I am, and it was the best decision I made! 

4. Seeing my groom was such a thrill.  I had missed him all day and was so excited to be standing by him.  Our ceremony was seriously the most romantic thing ever.  We wrote our own vows (please please do this) and it was an incredible thing to hear the man I love tell me how he loves me.  The other best part of the ceremony was my dear friend Katie singing such an important song to me.  It is the song I sang to my mother while she was on Hospice in our family home, over and over and over again.  And a song that continues to help me see that God is Love, and from Him comes all Love.  I loved singing it to my groom, and honestly during these few minutes I forgot the hundreds of people watching us.  

5. The dances were SO fun! I loved rocking out with my dad, and snuggling close to my man friend.  I loved gettin' down with my girls, and twirling my favorite little boys.  The dance floor was certainly where to be.

 

Basically it was just fantastic.  Hope everyone loved our wedding as much as we did!!

10 Things to Never say to a Bride-to-Be

In the midst of this wedding planning season of my life, I have learned so so much about wedding etiquette, planning etiquette, and how to and how not to be a supportive person for a Bride.  At times I think about the friends who are already married, and worry that I may have said some of the following things to them (SORRY!), as I think most of us do not think of these things and how it affects the person you are speaking it to.  That being said, I hope you find this list helpful when speaking to your friend, sister, daughter, daughter-in-law, etc who is preparing for their BIG day!.

1. "Weddings are not important anyway"
- Um, what? YOU may not find having a wedding important, but weddings are, by nature, important.  Not only is it a holy sacrament with historical and religious importance, but it marks the first day of a marriage that is meant for eternity.  It symbolizes a forever bond, love, and commitment.  There is nothing quite like a wedding, in that it consists of two imperfect people declaring an unconditional love and acceptance of one another for life.  They are certainly important.

2. "OMG I would NEVER do that/Spend that/choose that"
- Good for you, but this is not about you.  It is not your place to judge the bride's choices and taste.  If a bride and her groom want to spend $50k on their wedding, why does that matter to you? It in no way means you should spend that too, but you do not have the right to judge. And the invitations they pick are PERFECT for them, no one cares if you would choose them. Same with colors, bridesmaids dresses, ceremony readings, etc.  This wedding is not about you, but is about the Bride and Groom.  And while I agree that the money spent and decorative details at the wedding do not dictate the success of the marriage, it is important that the Bride and Groom celebrate their love and union in the way that is important to them.

3. "Well that is not the traditional way"
- This one I love. Well I hate it. But I love how much I hate it.  Each bride is different, each groom is different, and while weddings are certainly a tradition, the trend now (and what I found most beautiful about weddings) is to personalize the day and experience to symbolize each individual joining in this marriage.  Whether it be the processional order, the table arrangements, the veil, the music, or the invites; let the Bride and Groom choose what speaks to them most and stop telling them that their choices are not traditional, because n
o one cares.

4. "How are you planning to lose weight"
- I have gotten this from family, work clients, and strangers.  Since when does having a wedding mean I need to change every single thing about myself? (note: some encouraged plastic surgery).  While I have absolutely been trying to lose a few pounds, and have incorporated strength and cardio training into my life, it is so inappropriate that people assume that I am trying to get "skinny" just for my wedding.  Does no one care about healthy anymore?  It bothers me that people find that a more important to ask than how I am emotionally preparing for my marriage (I have never been asked that).  When brides in your life are trying to lose weight, absolutely encourage them, but make sure that they know that they will be radiating and beautiful regardless of their size because of the joy and happiness of the love they share. 

5. "Do I have to help with that?"

but seriously

- This is such a common issue I have heard from other brides.  So many assume that much of the wedding simply takes care of itself, while in reality weddings come together with lots and lots of work.  And while some people are extremely generous and offer to help with every detail, there are others who frequently ask if they are "required" to help or if they really need to help with X or Y detail.  How is a bride to respond?  I usually say NO, as I am not going to shove my wedding down anyone's throat, not to mention if people don't want to help, it is no fun making them do it.  So my advice? If a bride asks for help, help her.  If she doesn't, no need to check in on her need for your help unless you are genuinely offering.

6. "Why are you doing that/it that way/not that?"
- This is in line with the fact that it is none of your business, bitches.  Weddings are such a beautiful opportunity to have a personal representation of the Bride and Groom, and they owe no one a justification for their decisions regarding their day. 

7. "Please don't do THAT at your wedding! I HATE that..."
- This cracks me up.  Because not only are you telling a Bride that you don't like a certain tradition or event at a wedding, you are requesting that the Bride omit it from HER day to please you.  Think about it... for us, we are going to have about 200 people at our wedding... if I took requests from each, could you imagine the nightmare? Not mention, can we all just agree to recognize that the wedding is not about anyone but the bride, groom, and respective families.

8. "Have you started you teeth whitening regimen?"
- This favorite of mine came from theknot.com emails back when we had about 9 months until our wedding.  How silly of the knot to think that I was able to even begin to think about small details like that so far in advance! You would be shocked at what others have said to me in regards to the beauty prep process for my wedding.  People have asked if I'm sticking with my blonde hair, if I am going to get botox (see #4), and if I am going to get everything waxed for the day of. Why is it people's business? And why can people just not ask open ended questions... "what are you doing with your hair?" "do you have a beauty prep schedule?" just for example.

lol

9. "You are just wasting so much money"
- Well, to be honest, we are spending so much money, but why does that mean we are wasting it? Like #1 and #2, each person is going to do things a little different, from small weddings to huge weddings, everything differs.  BUT
please stop assuming that the money we and other couples spend on their wedding AND honeymoon is a waste.  I cannot wait to be old and gray with my man and think back to what will likely be our only extravagant vacation before kids.  What a special and once in a lifetime experience this wedding and honeymoon will be for us!  When talking to your friends, be empathetic by acknowledging the financial burden of weddings, but be encouraging and non judgmental by letting them know they can make the best decisions for themselves.

10. Avoiding the wedding..
- Best for Last. SO many people want to talk about our wedding with us, but there are others that hurry off the phone at the mention of it, or glaze over when we mention it.  And even more who simply have fallen off the face of the earth since we got engaged.  And while we try really hard to make most of our conversations with others NOT wedding related, every single day we are making decisions and discussing our wedding, making it hard to never mention it.  If you are not a wedding person,  or for some reason cannot join in the excitement with the happy couple, just play pretend for a few moments.  It is most likely a you issue and not the couple's issue.  That being said if the couple is obnoxious about their wedding...TELL THEM. I hope my friends would do that for me.

What things have been said to you as a bride-to-be?

Elitist?

I am a Columbus Bride, about 100 days from our wedding, and in the thick of the final detail preparations.  In the last week we have finalized items for our cake, ordered invitations, purchased bridal party gifts, and more.  It seems that as our to-do list dwindles, so do our bank accounts...

In my line of work, I encounter individuals living well below the poverty level on a daily basis.  I was spending time with one woman who mentioned that she and her now-husband were married recently and spent about $500 on their wedding.  While that is a large chunk of change for this family (and me..) I was flabergasted- mostly because while I feel we are cutting corners everywhere in regards to our wedding planning, everything is THOUSANDS, not just a few bucks here and there. 

Now obviously the events are not comparable, but it did get me thinking about how the wedding industry is meant only for the elite.  The upper middle class, and frankly not even that. 

Just to give you an idea of average costs here

In meeting with vendors, I can't tell you how many times I was told that people would not meet with me because my budget was too low, or would tell me that they cannot do what I want because of my "limited" budget.  Mind you, we are spending a small fortune on this day and have been prepared to do so all along...so their version of a limited budget does not even begin to align with my idea of a limited budget.

I guess what I am pondering, is why this is.  Weddings are now an entire industry, billions of dollars are poured into the industry every year.  And while I am certainly a contributor to that, I worry about the message we are sending to people when the cost of these items are so high.  I'm not sure what that means, to have the majority of the country to not have access to having a wedding, in any sense of the word.

 I am just not sure if that sits right with me... mostly because I am so excited about my wedding and how it will all come together, but I also feel so conflicted about perpetuating a cycle of pushing down the poor to be poor and building up the rich to be rich, so to speak.  And I worry that if people like me are continuing to be willing to pay these unreasonable prices, then they will continue to rise, continuing to separate who can and cannot have this experience.

Father's Day- The Late Edition

I am so grateful for so many things about my father, and I was lucky enough to actually see him on Father's
Day this year, as well.  We spent the weekend at the lake enjoying the Mastercraft, the Sunshine, and each others company.

Recently, my sister and I were talking about how different things are now that we are older and will continue having our own individual responsibilities, lives, and families.  At the same time, I feel so lucky to have such an amazing family that enjoys spending time together.  I think this is more unique than I have realized.  And it is my mom and my dad who have created a family that enjoys each other, it is all owed to them.

Here are some of the unique ways my dad has built a loving, close family:

- Family vacations and time away from "life" with the five of us was always so important to my dad.  If you know him, you know that he works the most insane hours and has the most stressful of jobs.  That being said, I cannot even remember a year where we didn't have some sort of a family vacation to spend time together.  These vacations have always been so precious to
us all, and it is something I still look forward to every year.  I am so grateful that he took the time, away from work, and the money, away from other things, to prioritize our family.

- My dad's job has moved us several times, and obviously to a great and unique experience in Argentina.  Not only am I grateful that he was presented with the opportunity to move there, but I am so grateful that my parents were brave enough to move our entire family (including teenage daughters and my toddler of a brother).  We really didn't even know where Argentina was (I remember us looking at it on the globe when my parent's told us we were moving there).  I cannot imagine how scary that was as parents, and how much pressure my dad had to have felt to move us there.  He wanted it to be a positive experience for us, and worked hard at making it one.  And it honestly was the best decision- we all have such incredible memories of living there and it was truly such a gift.  Hard to believe we moved back to the US 10 years ago this month.

- At work I spend a lot of time helping new moms understand that your children learn by what you do, not by what you say (it's true yall).  I cannot imagine working as hard as my dad does, but I have been able to see how his hard work has contributed to my family being blessed with such amazing experiences.  I have seen how by just working harder, and doing more, you can change the course of your life.  A work ethic is not something you can teach, and there are certainly individuals that are comfortable where they are, and have no desire for more.  But his incessant desire to better himself and work harder for our family has inspired me in more ways than I could ever explain.  His desire for us to have more than he, and experience more than he, has showcased such a sacrificial love and giving attitude that I can only hope to mimic when I have children.  I am so grateful that I have parents who never let me settle, and always encouraged me to dream bigger.

- The thing that I feel is most unique about my father, is how selflessly and beautifully he loved my mother.  It is now so rare to see marriages centered around a love for each other, and I cannot express how much this reality has shaped my life.  My parents were married when they were both so young, and became parents when even younger.  When my dad talked about their wedding day to us last year when looking at their wedding pictures, he confessed that he had absolutely no idea what would become of them that day.  He feared the worst but hoped for the best.  He talked about his love for my mom, and how much she changed his heart, and his life, and how much she truly was his world.  As a kid I remember having friends' whose parents faught incessantly, or who were even divorced, and feeling scared that it would happen to my parents.  At the same time I felt constantly reassured by their relationship because of how they interacted with one another, and the respect that existed between the two of them.

Nothing showed his love for my mom as much as the way he cared for her during her illness, up to her last hours.  When we had moved her to hospice, and she was ill in our home, we created a make-shift bedroom for her in our living room.  We left the love-seat in the room to allow people to sit and visit with her.  My dad "slept" on that loveseat, despite my mom's attempts to get him back into his bed.  One (maybe two?) nights he slept on the couch across the hall simply because she was very annoyed by his snoring, but he refused to be too far from her.  He spent countless nights in the hospital with her, learned everything there is to know about caring for her IV, her medicines, her illness.  He risked his job in many ways by taking time to accompany her to important appointments, and to be present during difficult procedures.  He never gave up hope, and was willing to do anything and everything to save her life.  Not only did he care for my mother physically, but it was beautiful to hear my mom speak about their nights in the hospital together, time where they could talk uninterrupted.  It was such a painful process for all of us, but if I can take anything from that, it was how beautifully my father treated my mother. 


They say that daddy's teach their daughter about who men are and should be.  I feel lucky to have found a man in my life that has some of the strengths I admire so much in my father.  If anything, I have been able to have strict standards, knowing that there are a few of those good guys out there, somewhere.  I feel lucky to have found one.

On a last note, to show you how much my mom loved my dad, one of her friends who was treated poorly by her husband and later divorced, was told by my mom that she needs a "Vic".  I hope she finds one...

It's The...

Sights
The rainbows you send, the sunsets you help paint, the clothes you wore
Sounds
The voices that mimic yours, the memories that are on replay in my mind, the songs you loved, the truth you spoke
Smells
Onion breath, the lake water, your home, your "flower" perfume, the foods you made
Wisdom
The lessons you taught, the kindness you instilled, the encouragement you gave, the courage you built

They were right- you never will "leave" me- I just have to pay closer attention to see and hear you. Your continued presence offers the extra, much needed, comfort to get through to the next day-week-month-year without your arms embracing me. Those hugs, those words, the comfort of your smell -- no words explain my hearts yearning for these. It is but God that must teach me how to carry you with me each day.

I carry your heart
I carry it in my heart

Thank You Momma

It has been a year since my mom died.  An entire year.  And in that year I graduated with my master's degree, I moved to Columbus, I got a job, I got engaged, my brother started dating a senior,  scored a 29 on his ACT (!), Brittany continued to excel in her career, she travels like a boss, my dad has worked his ass off, and continues to try and provide stability and normalcy for us all. We all have struggled to keep our heads up and move about our days/weeks/months.  We survived the first year of holidays, birthdays, and life celebrations.  We didn't do it willingly but we made it. A year.

As a mental health provider I find myself questioning where I am at in the grief process all of the time.  The truth is that I have no clue where I am at in the process because I feel it ALL. Grief=sad, mad, scared, feeling guilty, and sad, and depressed, hopeless, and repeat.  Nothing makes sense and nothing feels hopeful.  Something that has held onto me stronger than I expected is how guilty I feel daily.  Why didn't I say X? Why was I so rude when I was 15? Why didn't I ask her more questions? Why was I so freaking tired and why did I spend time sleeping instead of soaking up her love? Why didn't I apologize more? Why wasn't I more selfless? Why did I deserve her love?

The guilt is consuming.  I don't think I am unique in feeling this way, either.  It is the by-product of simply not having enough time with her.  It is so super common for adult children to apologize to their parents once they are parents themselves.  I didn't get that chance.  It is so super common for adult children to fully understand their parents love once they are older and wiser.  I didn't get the chance to become wiser.  I feel robbed.  And mostly, what is so difficult, is to know that truly, everyone who knew her was robbed.

I also feel the need to grieve for my mom.  Grieve what she is missing, on her behalf since she would have done anything (AND DID EVERYTHING) to stay with us just a little bit longer.  While on hospice she was dreaming aloud one day and whispered that she had to get better for us.  I have no idea what she was dreaming but I imagine she was arguing with God about his [stupid] decision to take her from us.  She wanted to be here.  She NEVER prioritized her feelings over our need (which was also hard).  She is missing out on so much.  And we don't quite know how to navigate the "so much" without her guidance.

In my line of work, and in life in general, I come across really bad moms a lot.  Moms  who prioritze their looks, feelings, livlihood over their kids.  Who eat the last bite when the kids are starving, who social media rather than talk to their kids, who would rather vacation alone than with their family, who scream hate towards their struggling kiddos rather than love them.  There are moms who encourage their kids to hate themselves, who preach they are ugly, and who preach low self worth.  There are moms who are truly evil and wish horror onto their kids and love the attention they get when their kids are sick (seriously, it happens).  I'm telling you-there are really bad moms. 

And then there are just "ok" moms. The ones who whine on social media every day about their kids.  Who whine about their toddlers and whine about their 20 year olds.  There are the moms that scream and hit their kids, and the moms that just don't care about their kids feelings.  And even the decent moms, but they just don't do everything in their power to be a GREAT mom.

My mom was none of those things. She did everything for us and wanted the world for us, and fought to get us the world.  She grew up with us and helped us navigate every decision and turn we came upon.  And mostly, she never put herself first, it was always about us.  At times I feel so guilty about this, but I also understand that her greatest joy was to love others.

My mom would have loved being the mother of the bride (and groom!) while there are other women who complain about this, or who don't take the time to help their kids in this stage of life.  My mom would have been thrilled to have grandkids and would have helped out more than I could've ask for, and other grandma's complain about their grandkids and detest spending time with them.  People seriously take it for granted that they GET to have these experiences, they are blessed to be here to see their children grow up.  Not all moms get to do that.

And before you think I am mom-bashing, I am not.  If you are lucky enough to still have your mom, 50 or 99, stop complaining about how bad she is at being a mom and take her for what she is. Learn from her, ask questions, and mostly, THANK HER. If you are a bad mom (no hate) try to think about what your priorities are. What legacy are you leaving behind?

And if you thought I was the only one who sees my mom through such rosy glasses read these words from my dad, clearly she impacted us all in this way.

"She loved you guys so much and dedicated her entire life to help you become the women that you are.  The way to continue to Honor her is to keep her in your memory and to have pride in who you are.  That is what she always wanted and of course to be Happy.
She taught me more than any book could have on how to live and love.  Her ability to have humor and Choose to be Happy combined with her incredibly deep love for all if us;  allowed her to fight to the last minutes."

Engaged!

Wanna know something crazy? The last blog post I made was the day before we got engaged! And I simply had no idea what was about to come!

We went to Michigan the weekend of the 23rd to spend some time with my brother while my dad was over seas working.  My sister came up as well because she was planning to work from Michigan the following week.

Christopher and I knew we wanted to go to Spicer's Orchard to go shopping for some of our favorite wine- cranberry!!  He had mentioned that he wanted to go apple picking, and I agreed with him though I figured there would be no apples to pick since it is WINTER and was literally 10 degrees that weekend.

Well we made it to the Orchard, and I guess Christopher mumbled t
hat all the trees are dead under his breath as we pulled up to the Orchard (Brittany and Zach we
re with us).  We went into the orchard to get the wine, some cider, and some donuts for the non-gluten intolerant.  We put everything in the c
ar and were ready to go! Except Christopher kept asking if we were going to walk around.  I was very non-cooperative because it was FREEZING.  Brittany convinced me to walk over to the cider viewing window--but it was closed.  So then I was ready.  But Christopher was not! He wondered off into the apple trees, in the snow.  I eventually followed, found a frozen apple and threw it at the ground-- ready to get going! (Brittany was silently hoping i would not be a bitch at this moment!).  Christopher eventually grabbed my arm, told me he loved me and told me that I am his best friend.  He got on one knee in the snow, and asked me to marry him.  It all happened so QUICK! I was just totally not expecting it and NEVER clued into it!  It was so perfect.  I was so happy to be surprised, to have my siblings there, and to have the man of my dreams ask me to be his wife.

It was such a joy to call our family and friends- though our family already knew! He had spoken to my dad the week prior, and had told his family as well.  It felt incredible to feel celebrated by our loved ones.

It was very hard for me to not be able to tell my mom, to show her my ring, and to celebrate this incredible time of my life with her.  It can be so incredibly hard to explain to other people just how difficult it is to not have my momma here anymore.  Our family is unlike a lot that I know--we talk all the time, tell each other the good and the bad, share in victories and losses, and are there for one another no matter what.  I miss that about my mom.  She was the number one cheerleader in our family.  No matter what, she was there- physically or figuratively- whenever I needed her.   And in moments of stress or intense joy, she is who I want.  Not because I don't have other people in my life to turn to, but because for my entire life she was THAT person for me.  I love my mom so much, and I miss her more each and every day.

Moms and Babies

Every day I am working, I am working with moms and babies.  I get to see the sickest babies, or the most impoverished mommas on a daily basis.  I see families who have horribly disrupted attachment, but also families who love each other passionately and are trying to do right by their kids, to be the generation that changes for the family. 

Please watch this video if you have time.  It is an incredible story of a mommy and daddy loving the littlest of little one in our chaotic world.  Watch how the love for this boy saves him, and changes their lives as a family forever.  Stories like this one give me Hope in love. 

We Pass the Time with Food and Flavor

We have made it to October 7th.  I didn't know if I would, to be honest.  Dark days and times, moments and hours have filled the past months of life.  And at the same time laughter and warmth, and smiles and fullness.  October 3rd marked six long yet remarkably fast months without my mother.  I was sitting in counseling that morning expressing to my therapist just how SICK I am of missing and longing for her presence, her comfort, her touch, her voice.  I am tired of yearning for her reassurance, her phone calls, her texts, her emails.  I am tired of the flashbacks and nightmares of the horrorible things she went through last year.  I am tired of the fact that my mom is dead.

Similar to as someone might say they are sick of being sick, I am simply sick of grieving.  And this six month mark does nothing more but remind me of the many more "six months'" that I will have to grieve her absence, that I will have to witness her loss on the faces' of my family.  Six months is but a drop in the bucket when looking at the span of a lifetime but then why the hell does it feel as if I had to scrape by to make it here?

I have learned that we rarely give ourselves enough grace or slack or room to fuck up.  What I have learned is this: I am a horrible griever! I am horrible at it because grieving is a horrible thing to HAVE to do! But I HAVE to do it because my life will crumble if I do not face the reality that is my mother is no longer here...and the irony is that my mother would be the one to HELP me in the event that I would crumble (not that others wouldn't).  Mom's are the people we turn to to tell us the brutal truth, to comfort us and help us walk into our first day of work, who help us fix mistakes, laugh at mistakes, and point out our mistakes.  And learning to rely on others and myself for those things will never be easy.  But if I do not learn how to, my life will not continue on in a way that she would have wanted.

Learning all of these things has been difficult. Not only for me but for my bestest pal and manfriend.  I am not only learning this stuff on my own but trying to learn how we can be a team in this process, too.  So in the midst of the stress I was going to run a half marathon! Because what better way to think and process and de-stress than some exercise?? But then I broke my foot (it's really fine, but yes broken).  So Instead I've been baking and making us fat.  But again, grace.  (honestly, Christopher runs all the time and isn't fat and I exercise on a monthly schedule--lol).

I have been on a pumpkin kick given that it is fall of course....

Pumpkin Snickerdoodles -- Gluten Free of course were a big hit!

I changed this recipe quite a bit though-- I combined the requested flour amounts and used Namaste's baking blend, and didn't use shortening.  They were incredible.  Added a quarter cup butter. 

Pumpkin layered bread was my favorite though...Delicious!

Again I used Namaste's flour blend. I dropped an egg yolk in, so 2 whole eggs, 1 egg white. I just used raw sugar instead of stevia or sugar as it was cheapest.  This recipe is a perfect example of finding a non-gluten free yummy recipe and easily converting it by using a baking blend flour mix!  By doing that I didn't have to add any xantham gum (which is pricey!).

Next on the list is Pumpkin bread with caramel cream cheese frosting!

Who would not love that! I mean come on!!!

We also made some delicious, gooey, caramel chocolate brownies, I'll be honest, they were mostly from a box.  I just added unknown amounts of caramel and butter to the mix!  (and eggs as directed!)  SO SO Good!!  I have yet to find a homemade brownie recipe that I like as good as boxed brownies, and hence I stick with boxed!  I meant to put a pretzel crust on the bottom but totally forgot...oops!  Next time :)

We stopped by an orchard in Lebanon this weekend (ain't got nothin on Spicer's) and picked up some apples and I'm hoping to make caramel apple pie this week! Sounds incredible, right?

A Whirlwind of Change and Seasons

Wow, my last post was in January-- a time where my life was CONSUMED with studying, interning, missing my long distance Carolina boyfriend, and my favorite activity, taking care of my beloved mother.  Hours in the hospital, checking on her during lunch brea
ks and after interning all day, and hours in the evenings at home, helping her with her creams, medicines, IVs, getting her comfortable, her ipad charged, making sure her rice-a-roni was cooked just right-- and most of all, just soaking her all in. 

Everything has changed.  We, my family, has experienced deep seasons of sorrow, grief, loss, despair, anger, mistrust, confusion, worry, you name it, one of us have felt it.  My mother joined my grandma Dixie on April 3rd, 2013.  She dictated how the end of her life would be, and that was an incredible thing to witness.  She was in her home, surrounded by all of us, her sister and
mother visited, the pastor visited, she was baptized, her friends sat with her during the days, she was able to get some things in order as she wanted (those cook books NEEDED to be organized as the girls would never use most of them! and it meant a lot to her to download all of her favorite kids songs and make a play list for her future grand children. we listened to that play list on some of her last days).  My mom was in control, but what was most difficult was having to watch her switch her mindset from being in control of her cure and recovery, to being in control of her death and progression to the next life.  And even though it was an honor to watch her be so brave and be by her side, it was the worst thing imaginable to have to watch that transition from recovery mindset to heaven focused mindset.

Something I will thank God for every day is the fact that my mom was with us for a very long time given the gravity of her battle (now on most days, I follow that thanks with a "but yes, you still suck for taking my mom").  My mom almost left us 10 days prior to when she passed away.  We were blessed with TEN days of time in our HOME where she was lucid for most of those days where her schedule was dictated by her, not her medications, not her doctors visits, nothing but her.  I remember one day, specifically, when she was doing SO well we had talked about going back to the hospital just because her strength surprised us after such a low point one saturday, and she expressed such freedom about being in her home.  It was honestly the most reassuring thing she could have said, as I knew then, she was comfortable, content, she was OK.  She was being taken care of by some one MUCH bigger than me. 

She demonstrated this by describing what was happening that one saturday we thought we were losing her.  She was talking to me, and I think her friend Kim, too.  She described being able to hear what we were saying to us, and she remembered everything (us reading the bible to her, us singing to her, etc), but not being able to talk or answer.  She said she felt like she was just being pulled away from her body.  I asked if she was scared, and she said no, not at all...I had a completely peaceful feeling all over.  I knew it was going to be okay, she explained.  She didn't like not being able to respond, but she wasn't scared.  What a way for God to show her that he is going to care for her.  Something I told my mom a lot during her last days was that I was praying that God would scoop her ailing body into his strong arms and restore her strength, and erase her pain.  I felt that that prayer was safest as I wished he would do that on earth but I KNEW he would in heaven.

We also told my mom she would have lots of jet ski's to ride in heaven, and even some with stripper poles if so desired (a joke from her days of stripping nightgowns in her sleep). 

I miss my mom, achingly so.  But I try so very hard to think of ways to honor her memory each and every day.  Here we are, June 26.  Brittany just had a birthday! we all went to celebrate with her in Carmel, Indiana! Man o Man is she so good at decorating! Christopher and I are living together in Dublin, OH -- no more long distance--EVER.  I graduated with my MSW, passed the clinical exam, and am a Licensed social worker...with a JOB starting after our annual Cumberland trip next week.  Zachary just got back from a 10 day school trip to Spain, it was about a 4-1 girl-guy ratio, I think he had fun...  And dad is loving his Job, and trying to stay busy and active.  Christopher is working for nationwide again, missing Charleston a bit, but I help make up for it I think :)  We are all trying to keep our heads above water.  And the best way us Polen's do that is by getting on a boat--that's where we are headed next week!

I'm Dating a Marathoner!

That's right, world, my man is a sexy as all get out marathoning man! Christopher's parents were kind enough to allow me to hitch a ride with them to Charleston Friday morning (I drove to their house late Thursday). We arrived around 5:30 and I was greeted with a very happy Boomer, and a little later, a very happy Christopher.

He was so nervous, whether he realized it or not! But he did fantastic!!! He finished all 26.2 miles and ran from charleston to north charleston while also getting a bit of a tour of the city! It was such an incredible feeling watching him accomplish a goal that he has been working towards for several months now. I was so proud, anxious, and in awe of his endurance and strength. It was so fun watching his family be so supportive as well... And basically it was a great experience to watch him cross the finish line with people that love him watching on. I love him so much!

I have realized more and more that I have been blessed with a man that is strong, intelligent, and passionate. We bicker at times because we have different ideals on certain things, but I know he will support me, and he knows I will support him. And in the end, that is what I care about. I feel lucky... But I also feel dreadfully sad that I had to say goodbye to him this morning after spending a wonderful weekend with him! It gets harder each time and I think he has gotten used to the fact that I cannot say "I love you" or "goodbye" because I'm just trying not to cry!!

All in all what a great weekend being loved on, loving on him and celebrating his accomplishments!!

Happy New Year--2013!

Never have I been so grateful to leave a year behind me!  I have had a countdown to 2013 since September, and I am so glad to be saying goodbye to 2012 tonight, though I am not saying good-riddens exactly how I had planned.  I have been fighting a silly cold since right after christmas and am not able to visit my mom in the hospital.  My mom and dad will be ringing in the new year together in the hospital, and Zach and I will be ringing it in here at home, that is, if I can stay awake!

2012 has been rough for many reasons; countless health battles for my mother, countless emotional struggles that my family has had to overcome including the death of my my papaw, and simply watching my mom fight so hard every single day.  On top of that I have had long work/school days, my dad has as well making schedules complicated, my sister is likely VERY sick of her car and the drive from MI to IN, and Zach is likely sick of people asking him how he is doing and asking him about his grades.  My boyfriend moved across the country to SC and I miss him all of the time. BUT there have been GREAT things too...

Great 4th of July memories at the boat, great Seabrook memories, an incredible man I have truly fallen in love with, a family that I will forever be grateful for, a brother who is now driving an AWESOME jeep, a mother who has shown me what strength really is, a papaw who left this earth not before showing me what generosity is, a life of endless learning. 

I am really hoping for a 2013 that is full of health, prosperity, generosity in this nation, beauty, happy changes, and man and I living in the same zipcode!!!

My 2012 final thoughts is something that has struck me lately, which is how often people tell my momma to keep fighting, or to stay strong, and while I understand that these words are meant in good faith, they are actually quite inconsiderate.  Well I think they are, I haven't had the courage to ask her what she thinks because I would likely cry.  I think they are inconsiderate simply because it takes her strength to wake up, to move her legs from side to side, to move in her bed, when she has to ASK to get up, to take her 20+ pills twice a day, etc etc etc.  The strength she has is more than any of us have, and she already has that strength...AND that strength has nothing to do with the outcome of her illness.  She is fighting, as are the doctors, as is her family, but the outcome of her illness, her prognosis, if you will, should never be a reflection on her; and words like "keep fighting" or "stay strong" implies that she has the option to not do that for one, and two that the result of not doing that would be failure.  I'm sure people may disagree, but I feel that applauding her strength and incredible tenacity would be much more appropriate, I just don't think we as a culture know these things unless you have experienced it personally.