10 Things to Never say to a Bride-to-Be

In the midst of this wedding planning season of my life, I have learned so so much about wedding etiquette, planning etiquette, and how to and how not to be a supportive person for a Bride.  At times I think about the friends who are already married, and worry that I may have said some of the following things to them (SORRY!), as I think most of us do not think of these things and how it affects the person you are speaking it to.  That being said, I hope you find this list helpful when speaking to your friend, sister, daughter, daughter-in-law, etc who is preparing for their BIG day!.

1. "Weddings are not important anyway"
- Um, what? YOU may not find having a wedding important, but weddings are, by nature, important.  Not only is it a holy sacrament with historical and religious importance, but it marks the first day of a marriage that is meant for eternity.  It symbolizes a forever bond, love, and commitment.  There is nothing quite like a wedding, in that it consists of two imperfect people declaring an unconditional love and acceptance of one another for life.  They are certainly important.

2. "OMG I would NEVER do that/Spend that/choose that"
- Good for you, but this is not about you.  It is not your place to judge the bride's choices and taste.  If a bride and her groom want to spend $50k on their wedding, why does that matter to you? It in no way means you should spend that too, but you do not have the right to judge. And the invitations they pick are PERFECT for them, no one cares if you would choose them. Same with colors, bridesmaids dresses, ceremony readings, etc.  This wedding is not about you, but is about the Bride and Groom.  And while I agree that the money spent and decorative details at the wedding do not dictate the success of the marriage, it is important that the Bride and Groom celebrate their love and union in the way that is important to them.

3. "Well that is not the traditional way"
- This one I love. Well I hate it. But I love how much I hate it.  Each bride is different, each groom is different, and while weddings are certainly a tradition, the trend now (and what I found most beautiful about weddings) is to personalize the day and experience to symbolize each individual joining in this marriage.  Whether it be the processional order, the table arrangements, the veil, the music, or the invites; let the Bride and Groom choose what speaks to them most and stop telling them that their choices are not traditional, because n
o one cares.

4. "How are you planning to lose weight"
- I have gotten this from family, work clients, and strangers.  Since when does having a wedding mean I need to change every single thing about myself? (note: some encouraged plastic surgery).  While I have absolutely been trying to lose a few pounds, and have incorporated strength and cardio training into my life, it is so inappropriate that people assume that I am trying to get "skinny" just for my wedding.  Does no one care about healthy anymore?  It bothers me that people find that a more important to ask than how I am emotionally preparing for my marriage (I have never been asked that).  When brides in your life are trying to lose weight, absolutely encourage them, but make sure that they know that they will be radiating and beautiful regardless of their size because of the joy and happiness of the love they share. 

5. "Do I have to help with that?"

but seriously

- This is such a common issue I have heard from other brides.  So many assume that much of the wedding simply takes care of itself, while in reality weddings come together with lots and lots of work.  And while some people are extremely generous and offer to help with every detail, there are others who frequently ask if they are "required" to help or if they really need to help with X or Y detail.  How is a bride to respond?  I usually say NO, as I am not going to shove my wedding down anyone's throat, not to mention if people don't want to help, it is no fun making them do it.  So my advice? If a bride asks for help, help her.  If she doesn't, no need to check in on her need for your help unless you are genuinely offering.

6. "Why are you doing that/it that way/not that?"
- This is in line with the fact that it is none of your business, bitches.  Weddings are such a beautiful opportunity to have a personal representation of the Bride and Groom, and they owe no one a justification for their decisions regarding their day. 

7. "Please don't do THAT at your wedding! I HATE that..."
- This cracks me up.  Because not only are you telling a Bride that you don't like a certain tradition or event at a wedding, you are requesting that the Bride omit it from HER day to please you.  Think about it... for us, we are going to have about 200 people at our wedding... if I took requests from each, could you imagine the nightmare? Not mention, can we all just agree to recognize that the wedding is not about anyone but the bride, groom, and respective families.

8. "Have you started you teeth whitening regimen?"
- This favorite of mine came from theknot.com emails back when we had about 9 months until our wedding.  How silly of the knot to think that I was able to even begin to think about small details like that so far in advance! You would be shocked at what others have said to me in regards to the beauty prep process for my wedding.  People have asked if I'm sticking with my blonde hair, if I am going to get botox (see #4), and if I am going to get everything waxed for the day of. Why is it people's business? And why can people just not ask open ended questions... "what are you doing with your hair?" "do you have a beauty prep schedule?" just for example.

lol

9. "You are just wasting so much money"
- Well, to be honest, we are spending so much money, but why does that mean we are wasting it? Like #1 and #2, each person is going to do things a little different, from small weddings to huge weddings, everything differs.  BUT
please stop assuming that the money we and other couples spend on their wedding AND honeymoon is a waste.  I cannot wait to be old and gray with my man and think back to what will likely be our only extravagant vacation before kids.  What a special and once in a lifetime experience this wedding and honeymoon will be for us!  When talking to your friends, be empathetic by acknowledging the financial burden of weddings, but be encouraging and non judgmental by letting them know they can make the best decisions for themselves.

10. Avoiding the wedding..
- Best for Last. SO many people want to talk about our wedding with us, but there are others that hurry off the phone at the mention of it, or glaze over when we mention it.  And even more who simply have fallen off the face of the earth since we got engaged.  And while we try really hard to make most of our conversations with others NOT wedding related, every single day we are making decisions and discussing our wedding, making it hard to never mention it.  If you are not a wedding person,  or for some reason cannot join in the excitement with the happy couple, just play pretend for a few moments.  It is most likely a you issue and not the couple's issue.  That being said if the couple is obnoxious about their wedding...TELL THEM. I hope my friends would do that for me.

What things have been said to you as a bride-to-be?

Elitist?

I am a Columbus Bride, about 100 days from our wedding, and in the thick of the final detail preparations.  In the last week we have finalized items for our cake, ordered invitations, purchased bridal party gifts, and more.  It seems that as our to-do list dwindles, so do our bank accounts...

In my line of work, I encounter individuals living well below the poverty level on a daily basis.  I was spending time with one woman who mentioned that she and her now-husband were married recently and spent about $500 on their wedding.  While that is a large chunk of change for this family (and me..) I was flabergasted- mostly because while I feel we are cutting corners everywhere in regards to our wedding planning, everything is THOUSANDS, not just a few bucks here and there. 

Now obviously the events are not comparable, but it did get me thinking about how the wedding industry is meant only for the elite.  The upper middle class, and frankly not even that. 

Just to give you an idea of average costs here

In meeting with vendors, I can't tell you how many times I was told that people would not meet with me because my budget was too low, or would tell me that they cannot do what I want because of my "limited" budget.  Mind you, we are spending a small fortune on this day and have been prepared to do so all along...so their version of a limited budget does not even begin to align with my idea of a limited budget.

I guess what I am pondering, is why this is.  Weddings are now an entire industry, billions of dollars are poured into the industry every year.  And while I am certainly a contributor to that, I worry about the message we are sending to people when the cost of these items are so high.  I'm not sure what that means, to have the majority of the country to not have access to having a wedding, in any sense of the word.

 I am just not sure if that sits right with me... mostly because I am so excited about my wedding and how it will all come together, but I also feel so conflicted about perpetuating a cycle of pushing down the poor to be poor and building up the rich to be rich, so to speak.  And I worry that if people like me are continuing to be willing to pay these unreasonable prices, then they will continue to rise, continuing to separate who can and cannot have this experience.

Happy New Year--2013!

Never have I been so grateful to leave a year behind me!  I have had a countdown to 2013 since September, and I am so glad to be saying goodbye to 2012 tonight, though I am not saying good-riddens exactly how I had planned.  I have been fighting a silly cold since right after christmas and am not able to visit my mom in the hospital.  My mom and dad will be ringing in the new year together in the hospital, and Zach and I will be ringing it in here at home, that is, if I can stay awake!

2012 has been rough for many reasons; countless health battles for my mother, countless emotional struggles that my family has had to overcome including the death of my my papaw, and simply watching my mom fight so hard every single day.  On top of that I have had long work/school days, my dad has as well making schedules complicated, my sister is likely VERY sick of her car and the drive from MI to IN, and Zach is likely sick of people asking him how he is doing and asking him about his grades.  My boyfriend moved across the country to SC and I miss him all of the time. BUT there have been GREAT things too...

Great 4th of July memories at the boat, great Seabrook memories, an incredible man I have truly fallen in love with, a family that I will forever be grateful for, a brother who is now driving an AWESOME jeep, a mother who has shown me what strength really is, a papaw who left this earth not before showing me what generosity is, a life of endless learning. 

I am really hoping for a 2013 that is full of health, prosperity, generosity in this nation, beauty, happy changes, and man and I living in the same zipcode!!!

My 2012 final thoughts is something that has struck me lately, which is how often people tell my momma to keep fighting, or to stay strong, and while I understand that these words are meant in good faith, they are actually quite inconsiderate.  Well I think they are, I haven't had the courage to ask her what she thinks because I would likely cry.  I think they are inconsiderate simply because it takes her strength to wake up, to move her legs from side to side, to move in her bed, when she has to ASK to get up, to take her 20+ pills twice a day, etc etc etc.  The strength she has is more than any of us have, and she already has that strength...AND that strength has nothing to do with the outcome of her illness.  She is fighting, as are the doctors, as is her family, but the outcome of her illness, her prognosis, if you will, should never be a reflection on her; and words like "keep fighting" or "stay strong" implies that she has the option to not do that for one, and two that the result of not doing that would be failure.  I'm sure people may disagree, but I feel that applauding her strength and incredible tenacity would be much more appropriate, I just don't think we as a culture know these things unless you have experienced it personally.

Victoria's Secret

I love Victoria's Secret.  Not because of anything other than the fact that they have great sales ALL the time, send me free underwear, and oh yeah, they make my favorite underwear....Remember?  But what I don't realize about Victoria's Secret is that it must sell more for Valentine's Day than for anything else.  How do I know this? I made the mistake of going on Valentine's Day because I needed a pick-me-up and buying underwear is just that!

Things that I saw:
- There were more men buying lingerie than women.  Actually there were only 2 women other than me in the store.  The PACKED store.
- This tells us two things: men procrastinate, and men buy women lingerie for Valentine's Day
- There was a high-school aged couple shopping for lingerie....TOGETHER.  So so so awkward.  I would never do that even if I had a ring to legitimize the activity.  Just too much scandalousness, and awkwardness, and she was asking if he could come in the dressing room with her and just gross.
- What this tells us is that high schoolers have no fear.  Brighton is tiny.  They could have ran in to teachers, parents, friends, anyone!
- The store was incredibly picked over.  Even my underwear choices were limited.
- This tells us that it had been a busy week for this establishment.
- Their swim suit tops don't come in Large in the store or in extra large at all.
- I can't wear swim suits.

#160: Grateful for shopping experiences
#161: Grateful for good laughs
#162: Grateful for good conversations that are longer than you realize
#163: Grateful for UHS and free health services.
#164: Grateful for doctors who are proactive and nice.

Feminism

I am loving teaching...seriously.  And what I am loving the most is seeing the wheels in the minds of so many start to turn; grasping the concepts of feminism and grasping how feminism has, and will continue to, impact their lives.

So few people truly understand what feminism is, and what it represents.  It has a reputation of standing for man-hating, femi-nazi's, and wanting women to rule the world...when in reality feminism represents a fight for equality, for all people based on gender, sex, sexual orientation, race, SES and more.  Feminism represents the voice of so many, and has been the movement that has made voting by females possible, reproductive choice possible, and has allowed women to enter the workforce. 

Some of my students are so tied to the social constructed gender norms for men and women, and watching their walls come down surrounding this is incredibly rewarding.  Men don't have to be the bread winners, and women are not made for nurturing and mothering alone.  We all have gifts, talents, and dreams...and who we are on paper should never stop us from achieving our dreams!

#124: I am proud to be a feminist, and grateful to live in a time and country where saying that does not put me in danger.
#125: Grateful for my role in opening the minds of so many. 
#126: Loving the fact that my students were emailing me about the Roe anniversary this weekend.  Proud moments.
#127: Excited for the day where shame behind feminism, abortion and women's rights disappears.
#128: Male feminists are sexy.  Grateful they exist.
#129: Freedom to be the woman I want to be is huge.  I am always worried about becoming too domesticated or too stereotypically womanly...but in reality I am free to be who I want to be...and if I love children, cooking, cleaning, laundry, working, and playing...well so be it :)
#130: Free Speech

Interesting

I love Ellen.  She is funny, makes me laugh, helps mornings go by, and stands up for some incredibly causes.  On her show the other day was this beauty of a commercial.  The commercial is actually from a new TLC show "Virgin Diaries" that follows couples who have "saved themselves for marriage".  Since I know several couples who have done just that, I find the show both interesting and a train wreck waiting to happen.  While the show sheds light on this ever-shrinking population, it is also making a spectacle of these couples, mocking them in a way.  Watch this video for example...

There were serious outcry's from this commercial in particular, so TLC released a new one that addresses some of the dialogue that the couples engage in where they discuss their reasons for waiting, their excitement, and their "plans" for the wedding night (kinda awkward, honestly). 

Regardless of how I feel about not having sex until marriage, which honestly I can't say my feelings on this are set in stone, I am kinda disturbed by how many people are laughing at this couples' first kiss.  I can only imagine the excitement that led to the kiss, and the embarrassment that they are feeling now...

Is it fair to make fun of these couples who take waiting for sex to heart?  I get mad when religious groups require such practices, so shouldn't I also fight for the rights of these couples to practice their beliefs in privacy?  Then again, they chose to put their lives on TV.  Did they chose the mockery or the exposure? 

So interesting!

#87: Grateful my life is not on camera.  Privacy is a beautiful thing.
#88: Country Christmas Special.  Beautiful, peaceful, and a great reminder of the joy in the season.

Awkwardddd

Lots of things are awkward.  Just check out Awkward family photos and you'll find things like this to show you just how awkward life can be...



Other things that are awkward:
Your professors and dean being at the Charity Ball you danced at on Friday night, waking up the next morning to find out that you were texting the wrong person the night before, finding out that your baby brother is not such a baby anymore (Girlfriend alert), and having your dad call the sales people that are not being cooperative while your still in the store....

yep. Life has been pretty awkward lately....

#55: My dad fights for me all the time.  Even if it's really awkward, I'd rather not have to be the bad guy.
#56: I love my baby brother.  And he will never lose the baby in front of brother.
#57: We still had fun, even with our professors and dean rockin out beside us.
#58: People are very forgiving when it comes to late night texts.  Thank you.
#59: Time to blog.  Such a fun outlet. 
#60: Jon Stewart's reaction to the GOP debates this past week.

FINISHED

The craziest part about being finished?  I am totally not finished at all!  There are always new projects to work on and new 1000s of pages to read.  But honestly, making it to this time today has seemed so impossible the past few days.  Considering the hours of sleep I missed out on and the hours of my life span taken away by stress, I am just grateful that everything actually got accomplished!  While I could worry about grades and my scores on each of my assignments, I am going to choose to be content with the fact that each assignment is turned in, complete, and was completed to the best of my ability, considering the resources (ie time) that was available to me. 

Speaking of stress, I have become a bit more educated on what it can do to your body.  IT CAN MAKE YOU GAIN WEIGHT LIKE WOAH.  So secret revealing time: I have gained 12ish pounds since starting my masters program in September.  That's alot, people.  The confusing and frustrating part to this is that I am actually eating less (I'm busy, friends) and exercising more (for sanity, yo).  Now I am not saying I deserve the healthy person of the year award, but my habits are better than they were this summer, for sure.

I was talking to my doctor about headache medicines (they cause weight gain too) and she mentioned that the weight is probably because of higher levels of stress hormones in my body.  Daily stress is more damaging to your body than trauma.  For reals. And your body internalizes this daily stress via the fight or flight concept.  So when I eat, my body saves ALL of those calories for future battle.  And when I exercise, my metabolism is not boosted by as much as it used to be.  So...I have to destress......

#48: Getting through these past few days
#49: Helpful doctors who don't think I'm superficial when voicing that spontaneous weight gain is no fun
#50: Freedom to not feel ashamed about my body.  This is an every day battle, but I am confident that I will continue gaining more and more freedom in this realm.

Secret

I LOVE THE KARDASHIANS.  So embarrassing, I know.  It's absurd.  I don't even know why I like them.  But watching them provides me with so many entertained moments...

A moment on the lips is a lifetime on the hips...

told you, creepy.

Adorable little Mason...

Mame K's face lift...lol...

Bruce's creepy face lift results...

The DRAMA (understatement of the year)...




Really. It's so entertaining.  Though sometimes I feel like my brain cells decrease as I watch their dramatic, extravagant lives unfold.  Everyone needs their little secret pleasures though, and watching Kim K's wedding is one of mine...

P.s. this is tagged as acceptance so you are all motivated to STILL accept me :)

Honesty

Honesty.  It seems oh so simply, right?  You just tell the truth; you just speak what's on your mind; you simply state the actuality of a situation.  The problem is that as humans, we don't like to hurt people's feelings, we don't like to be judged, we like to be interesting, and we don't want to start fights (and sometimes we do want to do so, unnecessarily). 

bad lighting. but hair is at least shown!

I got my hair done yesterday!  I redid my highlights and got it trimmed.  I love getting my hair done because I get to talk to the hairdresser for 3 hours about whatever I want, or we can sit in silence which can also be incredibly relaxing.  I loved the fact that I could tell her anything; any truth about my life knowing that I didn't care if she judged me because I didn't know her.  It was freeing.  At the same time, part of me wanted to be someone else, someone more interesting and tell her more fascinating stories about myself.  I didn't; I told her truths about my life.  And it was freeing and refreshing.

The other thing about getting your hair done is that people feel the need to comment on it.  A guy at work today said I looked nice today.  Then a couple seconds later asked what was different about me.  Then he squealed after realizing on his own that I had my hair done.  He awkwardly said he loved it and then we went on with our days.

There are lots of things that we aren't honest about, lots of things I'm not completely honest about.  At the end of the day you pick your battles and you make the bed you lie in.  What does your bed look like?