Zookeeper's Wife

I know I'm basically a year behind, but I'm a mom and I use that excuse widely. 

If you're looking for an emotionally, eye opening, heart wrenching, thought provoking movie look absolutely no further. The zookeepers wife proves to be all of the above and more. 

It has always been hard for me to imagine the Nazi era, but I have been working hard to educate myself over the last years to better understand the histories of people around me. I still struggle to wrap my mind around the ingrained hatred that worked to motivate Word War II, and honestly I don't want to understand it. But, I do want to understand what led to it so that I can be best educated in how to prevent this level of hatred again.

I recently read Small Little Things by Jodi Picoult, and it too opened my eyes to experiences of racism for PoC. While I may be "woke" to the reality of these things existing, I am privileged in the sense that it isn't my daily life. 

I can't help but take a step back and reflect. How am I actively working against hatred? How am I pursuing a society of equity? How will I continue to respond as the hatred seems to be more vocal, more blatant, and more celebrated than ever before in my short life? These are questions that are quite literally keeping me up tonight. This movie. Oh my heart. This REALITY of so many- these babies being loaded in a train to be killed because of their looks and their beliefs. And a family who risked their marriage, safety, lives, and children to help others. 300+ people were saved because of their sacrifice. What will I sacrifice? What do I sacrifice? How could it be more? 

A Married Woman

Well it is official (and I am late).  We were married on the COLDEST day October 4th has ever seen, a day with snow and hail, gray skies, and of course, a very happy new couple.  We were supposed to be married outside, but were instead married in a very romantic indoor ceremony that could not have been more perfect.  We felt surrounded by love and could not have dreamed of a better "party" to celebrate our love for one another. 

Here are some of my FAVORITE moments from the "Best Day Ever"

1. jumping on the bed with your favorite ladies is a MUST on your wedding day! I feel so blessed that the "getting ready" part of the day was honestly stress free! I was nervous and couldn't eat much, but we certainly weren't running around doing anything and I wasn't worried about things not getting done.  It helped to have the best wedding planner (Cynthia @ Bosc and Brie!) and great friends who oversaw some things for us at the venue.


2. riding the trolley to the venue was seriously a blast! I was getting nervous (not about marrying my man, but silly me was so stressed about wanting my guests to LOVE my wedding and I was stressing about it being perfect for OTHERS) and this great trolley (Columbus Trolley) had some mood lighting and jammed out some jams for us! It was the best, basically. (mood lighting not pictured...)

 

 

 3. Walking down the aisle with my dad was basically the best thing that could have happened, and at precisely the right time.  I was, again, nervous about all the people who would be looking at me and judging me (I'm not skinny enough, my dress isn't pretty enough, etc etc stupid girl worries) and my dad gave the best advice "when we turn the corner, you don't look at anyone in that room.  You find christopher, lock your eyes on him, and never move them".  Wow! I listened like the straight A student that I am, and it was the best decision I made! 

4. Seeing my groom was such a thrill.  I had missed him all day and was so excited to be standing by him.  Our ceremony was seriously the most romantic thing ever.  We wrote our own vows (please please do this) and it was an incredible thing to hear the man I love tell me how he loves me.  The other best part of the ceremony was my dear friend Katie singing such an important song to me.  It is the song I sang to my mother while she was on Hospice in our family home, over and over and over again.  And a song that continues to help me see that God is Love, and from Him comes all Love.  I loved singing it to my groom, and honestly during these few minutes I forgot the hundreds of people watching us.  

5. The dances were SO fun! I loved rocking out with my dad, and snuggling close to my man friend.  I loved gettin' down with my girls, and twirling my favorite little boys.  The dance floor was certainly where to be.

 

Basically it was just fantastic.  Hope everyone loved our wedding as much as we did!!

Elitist?

I am a Columbus Bride, about 100 days from our wedding, and in the thick of the final detail preparations.  In the last week we have finalized items for our cake, ordered invitations, purchased bridal party gifts, and more.  It seems that as our to-do list dwindles, so do our bank accounts...

In my line of work, I encounter individuals living well below the poverty level on a daily basis.  I was spending time with one woman who mentioned that she and her now-husband were married recently and spent about $500 on their wedding.  While that is a large chunk of change for this family (and me..) I was flabergasted- mostly because while I feel we are cutting corners everywhere in regards to our wedding planning, everything is THOUSANDS, not just a few bucks here and there. 

Now obviously the events are not comparable, but it did get me thinking about how the wedding industry is meant only for the elite.  The upper middle class, and frankly not even that. 

Just to give you an idea of average costs here

In meeting with vendors, I can't tell you how many times I was told that people would not meet with me because my budget was too low, or would tell me that they cannot do what I want because of my "limited" budget.  Mind you, we are spending a small fortune on this day and have been prepared to do so all along...so their version of a limited budget does not even begin to align with my idea of a limited budget.

I guess what I am pondering, is why this is.  Weddings are now an entire industry, billions of dollars are poured into the industry every year.  And while I am certainly a contributor to that, I worry about the message we are sending to people when the cost of these items are so high.  I'm not sure what that means, to have the majority of the country to not have access to having a wedding, in any sense of the word.

 I am just not sure if that sits right with me... mostly because I am so excited about my wedding and how it will all come together, but I also feel so conflicted about perpetuating a cycle of pushing down the poor to be poor and building up the rich to be rich, so to speak.  And I worry that if people like me are continuing to be willing to pay these unreasonable prices, then they will continue to rise, continuing to separate who can and cannot have this experience.

Father's Day- The Late Edition

I am so grateful for so many things about my father, and I was lucky enough to actually see him on Father's
Day this year, as well.  We spent the weekend at the lake enjoying the Mastercraft, the Sunshine, and each others company.

Recently, my sister and I were talking about how different things are now that we are older and will continue having our own individual responsibilities, lives, and families.  At the same time, I feel so lucky to have such an amazing family that enjoys spending time together.  I think this is more unique than I have realized.  And it is my mom and my dad who have created a family that enjoys each other, it is all owed to them.

Here are some of the unique ways my dad has built a loving, close family:

- Family vacations and time away from "life" with the five of us was always so important to my dad.  If you know him, you know that he works the most insane hours and has the most stressful of jobs.  That being said, I cannot even remember a year where we didn't have some sort of a family vacation to spend time together.  These vacations have always been so precious to
us all, and it is something I still look forward to every year.  I am so grateful that he took the time, away from work, and the money, away from other things, to prioritize our family.

- My dad's job has moved us several times, and obviously to a great and unique experience in Argentina.  Not only am I grateful that he was presented with the opportunity to move there, but I am so grateful that my parents were brave enough to move our entire family (including teenage daughters and my toddler of a brother).  We really didn't even know where Argentina was (I remember us looking at it on the globe when my parent's told us we were moving there).  I cannot imagine how scary that was as parents, and how much pressure my dad had to have felt to move us there.  He wanted it to be a positive experience for us, and worked hard at making it one.  And it honestly was the best decision- we all have such incredible memories of living there and it was truly such a gift.  Hard to believe we moved back to the US 10 years ago this month.

- At work I spend a lot of time helping new moms understand that your children learn by what you do, not by what you say (it's true yall).  I cannot imagine working as hard as my dad does, but I have been able to see how his hard work has contributed to my family being blessed with such amazing experiences.  I have seen how by just working harder, and doing more, you can change the course of your life.  A work ethic is not something you can teach, and there are certainly individuals that are comfortable where they are, and have no desire for more.  But his incessant desire to better himself and work harder for our family has inspired me in more ways than I could ever explain.  His desire for us to have more than he, and experience more than he, has showcased such a sacrificial love and giving attitude that I can only hope to mimic when I have children.  I am so grateful that I have parents who never let me settle, and always encouraged me to dream bigger.

- The thing that I feel is most unique about my father, is how selflessly and beautifully he loved my mother.  It is now so rare to see marriages centered around a love for each other, and I cannot express how much this reality has shaped my life.  My parents were married when they were both so young, and became parents when even younger.  When my dad talked about their wedding day to us last year when looking at their wedding pictures, he confessed that he had absolutely no idea what would become of them that day.  He feared the worst but hoped for the best.  He talked about his love for my mom, and how much she changed his heart, and his life, and how much she truly was his world.  As a kid I remember having friends' whose parents faught incessantly, or who were even divorced, and feeling scared that it would happen to my parents.  At the same time I felt constantly reassured by their relationship because of how they interacted with one another, and the respect that existed between the two of them.

Nothing showed his love for my mom as much as the way he cared for her during her illness, up to her last hours.  When we had moved her to hospice, and she was ill in our home, we created a make-shift bedroom for her in our living room.  We left the love-seat in the room to allow people to sit and visit with her.  My dad "slept" on that loveseat, despite my mom's attempts to get him back into his bed.  One (maybe two?) nights he slept on the couch across the hall simply because she was very annoyed by his snoring, but he refused to be too far from her.  He spent countless nights in the hospital with her, learned everything there is to know about caring for her IV, her medicines, her illness.  He risked his job in many ways by taking time to accompany her to important appointments, and to be present during difficult procedures.  He never gave up hope, and was willing to do anything and everything to save her life.  Not only did he care for my mother physically, but it was beautiful to hear my mom speak about their nights in the hospital together, time where they could talk uninterrupted.  It was such a painful process for all of us, but if I can take anything from that, it was how beautifully my father treated my mother. 


They say that daddy's teach their daughter about who men are and should be.  I feel lucky to have found a man in my life that has some of the strengths I admire so much in my father.  If anything, I have been able to have strict standards, knowing that there are a few of those good guys out there, somewhere.  I feel lucky to have found one.

On a last note, to show you how much my mom loved my dad, one of her friends who was treated poorly by her husband and later divorced, was told by my mom that she needs a "Vic".  I hope she finds one...

It's The...

Sights
The rainbows you send, the sunsets you help paint, the clothes you wore
Sounds
The voices that mimic yours, the memories that are on replay in my mind, the songs you loved, the truth you spoke
Smells
Onion breath, the lake water, your home, your "flower" perfume, the foods you made
Wisdom
The lessons you taught, the kindness you instilled, the encouragement you gave, the courage you built

They were right- you never will "leave" me- I just have to pay closer attention to see and hear you. Your continued presence offers the extra, much needed, comfort to get through to the next day-week-month-year without your arms embracing me. Those hugs, those words, the comfort of your smell -- no words explain my hearts yearning for these. It is but God that must teach me how to carry you with me each day.

I carry your heart
I carry it in my heart

Thank You Momma

It has been a year since my mom died.  An entire year.  And in that year I graduated with my master's degree, I moved to Columbus, I got a job, I got engaged, my brother started dating a senior,  scored a 29 on his ACT (!), Brittany continued to excel in her career, she travels like a boss, my dad has worked his ass off, and continues to try and provide stability and normalcy for us all. We all have struggled to keep our heads up and move about our days/weeks/months.  We survived the first year of holidays, birthdays, and life celebrations.  We didn't do it willingly but we made it. A year.

As a mental health provider I find myself questioning where I am at in the grief process all of the time.  The truth is that I have no clue where I am at in the process because I feel it ALL. Grief=sad, mad, scared, feeling guilty, and sad, and depressed, hopeless, and repeat.  Nothing makes sense and nothing feels hopeful.  Something that has held onto me stronger than I expected is how guilty I feel daily.  Why didn't I say X? Why was I so rude when I was 15? Why didn't I ask her more questions? Why was I so freaking tired and why did I spend time sleeping instead of soaking up her love? Why didn't I apologize more? Why wasn't I more selfless? Why did I deserve her love?

The guilt is consuming.  I don't think I am unique in feeling this way, either.  It is the by-product of simply not having enough time with her.  It is so super common for adult children to apologize to their parents once they are parents themselves.  I didn't get that chance.  It is so super common for adult children to fully understand their parents love once they are older and wiser.  I didn't get the chance to become wiser.  I feel robbed.  And mostly, what is so difficult, is to know that truly, everyone who knew her was robbed.

I also feel the need to grieve for my mom.  Grieve what she is missing, on her behalf since she would have done anything (AND DID EVERYTHING) to stay with us just a little bit longer.  While on hospice she was dreaming aloud one day and whispered that she had to get better for us.  I have no idea what she was dreaming but I imagine she was arguing with God about his [stupid] decision to take her from us.  She wanted to be here.  She NEVER prioritized her feelings over our need (which was also hard).  She is missing out on so much.  And we don't quite know how to navigate the "so much" without her guidance.

In my line of work, and in life in general, I come across really bad moms a lot.  Moms  who prioritze their looks, feelings, livlihood over their kids.  Who eat the last bite when the kids are starving, who social media rather than talk to their kids, who would rather vacation alone than with their family, who scream hate towards their struggling kiddos rather than love them.  There are moms who encourage their kids to hate themselves, who preach they are ugly, and who preach low self worth.  There are moms who are truly evil and wish horror onto their kids and love the attention they get when their kids are sick (seriously, it happens).  I'm telling you-there are really bad moms. 

And then there are just "ok" moms. The ones who whine on social media every day about their kids.  Who whine about their toddlers and whine about their 20 year olds.  There are the moms that scream and hit their kids, and the moms that just don't care about their kids feelings.  And even the decent moms, but they just don't do everything in their power to be a GREAT mom.

My mom was none of those things. She did everything for us and wanted the world for us, and fought to get us the world.  She grew up with us and helped us navigate every decision and turn we came upon.  And mostly, she never put herself first, it was always about us.  At times I feel so guilty about this, but I also understand that her greatest joy was to love others.

My mom would have loved being the mother of the bride (and groom!) while there are other women who complain about this, or who don't take the time to help their kids in this stage of life.  My mom would have been thrilled to have grandkids and would have helped out more than I could've ask for, and other grandma's complain about their grandkids and detest spending time with them.  People seriously take it for granted that they GET to have these experiences, they are blessed to be here to see their children grow up.  Not all moms get to do that.

And before you think I am mom-bashing, I am not.  If you are lucky enough to still have your mom, 50 or 99, stop complaining about how bad she is at being a mom and take her for what she is. Learn from her, ask questions, and mostly, THANK HER. If you are a bad mom (no hate) try to think about what your priorities are. What legacy are you leaving behind?

And if you thought I was the only one who sees my mom through such rosy glasses read these words from my dad, clearly she impacted us all in this way.

"She loved you guys so much and dedicated her entire life to help you become the women that you are.  The way to continue to Honor her is to keep her in your memory and to have pride in who you are.  That is what she always wanted and of course to be Happy.
She taught me more than any book could have on how to live and love.  Her ability to have humor and Choose to be Happy combined with her incredibly deep love for all if us;  allowed her to fight to the last minutes."

Zero Dark Thirty

A couple weeks ago, Christopher and I watched the film Zero Dark Thirty. He had recorded it onto the DVR and we watched it one evening before he left for a business trip.  Though I read the description of the film I seriously had NO idea what I was getting in for.

The movie portrays the time between 9-11 and the killing of Osama Bin Laden (yeah, not a light topic for the day).  It shows the work of CIA operatives who were interrogating known accomplices of Bin Laden-- in pre no-torture days at that.  The opening scenes are some of the most repulsive scenes I have ever allowed myself to watch.  I felt nauseous, dizzy, and conflicted.

These operatives were doing their job, and doing it well.  They were in places such as Pakistan where they were hated on, threatened, shot at, and bombed in order to discover information that would lead to the eventual take down of Bin Laden.  That is medal-worthy work, people.  And thank GOD for the men and women (holla at you, kick ass girl in the movie)

But at the same time, their work was degraded, in-humane, and down right disgusting.  They were hitting, kicking, starving, depriving, water boarding and everything in between.  On top of that, they used tactics such as shaming, nudity, using dog collars and more to embarrras and strip away every last ounce of humanness from these individuals. 

Now, keep in mind, the individuals being tortured were likely terrorists. And I say likely because most of the people they are seen interrogating (torturing rather) were not necessarily terrorists but had been seen with a terrorist at one point or another.  A serious case of in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I was left with a deep sense of WHY? Why do we respond to hate (terrorism) with more hate (torture)? Why do we respond to cries for help (from those being tortured) with silence (or more pain infliction).  Why does it seem natural to inflict such pain, shame, and torture on any human being regardless of their crime?

Now I preface my reactions with the fact that I am not an eye for an eye type of person.  I believe in redemption and rehabilitation.  Would terrorists choose terrorism if they had other choices? I like to believe that they would NOT.  And I can appreciate that for the families who lost loved ones in any of the Al Queda terrorist attacks that it feels good knowing the men to blame were tortured, injured, shamed, and caused pain.  But I beg you to consider WHY that makes you feel better. Not because I judge you, not because it is wrong, but is that actually how you feel, and questioning your beliefs is never a bad thing.

Something that also struck me was that the movie critically proclaimed the "no-torture" rulings that Obama put in place.  It was so interesting for me (So so pro no-torture) to see this from the point of view of the people who had been doing the torturing. 

Lastly I will leave you with a link to an article about the movie that is much more eloquent than mine!

Have you Noticed?

Maybe you have already noticed these things, but maybe not...

There are fire hydrants EVERYWHERE.  literally. start paying attention. There is a fire hydrant like every 100 yards.  There are over 30,000 of them in Columbus.  30 THOUSAND. 

Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful. But can you imagine what life was like for the employees who put in all 30 thousand of those babies?  Nuts. just nuts.

This, I have never seen.

Also have you noticed how streets which used to be black top are now white gray top now that it is cold.  And I mean not the snow making it white..but the ground is white.  I guess it is the salt.  But like why? how? Salt chunks on top of black top make white gray top?

Okay and then what about grocery store shenanigans like how they display APPLES.  so Christopher likes gala apples which is nice because they are usually cheaper than some other apple guys.  Well the gala apples were next to some apples with a made up name that were much more than the gala apples.  Well i accidentally got one of those dudes and paid more than i should have for my 3 lbs of apples.  I call BS.


And what about some other weird things in grocery stores.  Where the hell is the velveeta? The pepperoni? The summer sausage? Like for real where do they hide all of this shit?

And lastly, since I am currently planning a wedding, have you ever noticed the entire INDUSTRY that is built around people saying "i do".  It is nutso.  I am often struck with the fact that Christopher and I's life will not really change after we say "we do".  We already live together, we already know we love each other and we already live our lives together.  While I love that those things are true, and I know I want to get married, why is an industry built around a few hours of celebrating the signage of a document? legally binding and life long as it may be, my romantic side is getting taken over by my cynicism I guess.  I can explain the romance and beauty of a wedding to you, yet am still taken a back by the HUGE billion dollar industry weddings are.

Engaged!

Wanna know something crazy? The last blog post I made was the day before we got engaged! And I simply had no idea what was about to come!

We went to Michigan the weekend of the 23rd to spend some time with my brother while my dad was over seas working.  My sister came up as well because she was planning to work from Michigan the following week.

Christopher and I knew we wanted to go to Spicer's Orchard to go shopping for some of our favorite wine- cranberry!!  He had mentioned that he wanted to go apple picking, and I agreed with him though I figured there would be no apples to pick since it is WINTER and was literally 10 degrees that weekend.

Well we made it to the Orchard, and I guess Christopher mumbled t
hat all the trees are dead under his breath as we pulled up to the Orchard (Brittany and Zach we
re with us).  We went into the orchard to get the wine, some cider, and some donuts for the non-gluten intolerant.  We put everything in the c
ar and were ready to go! Except Christopher kept asking if we were going to walk around.  I was very non-cooperative because it was FREEZING.  Brittany convinced me to walk over to the cider viewing window--but it was closed.  So then I was ready.  But Christopher was not! He wondered off into the apple trees, in the snow.  I eventually followed, found a frozen apple and threw it at the ground-- ready to get going! (Brittany was silently hoping i would not be a bitch at this moment!).  Christopher eventually grabbed my arm, told me he loved me and told me that I am his best friend.  He got on one knee in the snow, and asked me to marry him.  It all happened so QUICK! I was just totally not expecting it and NEVER clued into it!  It was so perfect.  I was so happy to be surprised, to have my siblings there, and to have the man of my dreams ask me to be his wife.

It was such a joy to call our family and friends- though our family already knew! He had spoken to my dad the week prior, and had told his family as well.  It felt incredible to feel celebrated by our loved ones.

It was very hard for me to not be able to tell my mom, to show her my ring, and to celebrate this incredible time of my life with her.  It can be so incredibly hard to explain to other people just how difficult it is to not have my momma here anymore.  Our family is unlike a lot that I know--we talk all the time, tell each other the good and the bad, share in victories and losses, and are there for one another no matter what.  I miss that about my mom.  She was the number one cheerleader in our family.  No matter what, she was there- physically or figuratively- whenever I needed her.   And in moments of stress or intense joy, she is who I want.  Not because I don't have other people in my life to turn to, but because for my entire life she was THAT person for me.  I love my mom so much, and I miss her more each and every day.

Moms and Babies

Every day I am working, I am working with moms and babies.  I get to see the sickest babies, or the most impoverished mommas on a daily basis.  I see families who have horribly disrupted attachment, but also families who love each other passionately and are trying to do right by their kids, to be the generation that changes for the family. 

Please watch this video if you have time.  It is an incredible story of a mommy and daddy loving the littlest of little one in our chaotic world.  Watch how the love for this boy saves him, and changes their lives as a family forever.  Stories like this one give me Hope in love. 

We Pass the Time with Food and Flavor

We have made it to October 7th.  I didn't know if I would, to be honest.  Dark days and times, moments and hours have filled the past months of life.  And at the same time laughter and warmth, and smiles and fullness.  October 3rd marked six long yet remarkably fast months without my mother.  I was sitting in counseling that morning expressing to my therapist just how SICK I am of missing and longing for her presence, her comfort, her touch, her voice.  I am tired of yearning for her reassurance, her phone calls, her texts, her emails.  I am tired of the flashbacks and nightmares of the horrorible things she went through last year.  I am tired of the fact that my mom is dead.

Similar to as someone might say they are sick of being sick, I am simply sick of grieving.  And this six month mark does nothing more but remind me of the many more "six months'" that I will have to grieve her absence, that I will have to witness her loss on the faces' of my family.  Six months is but a drop in the bucket when looking at the span of a lifetime but then why the hell does it feel as if I had to scrape by to make it here?

I have learned that we rarely give ourselves enough grace or slack or room to fuck up.  What I have learned is this: I am a horrible griever! I am horrible at it because grieving is a horrible thing to HAVE to do! But I HAVE to do it because my life will crumble if I do not face the reality that is my mother is no longer here...and the irony is that my mother would be the one to HELP me in the event that I would crumble (not that others wouldn't).  Mom's are the people we turn to to tell us the brutal truth, to comfort us and help us walk into our first day of work, who help us fix mistakes, laugh at mistakes, and point out our mistakes.  And learning to rely on others and myself for those things will never be easy.  But if I do not learn how to, my life will not continue on in a way that she would have wanted.

Learning all of these things has been difficult. Not only for me but for my bestest pal and manfriend.  I am not only learning this stuff on my own but trying to learn how we can be a team in this process, too.  So in the midst of the stress I was going to run a half marathon! Because what better way to think and process and de-stress than some exercise?? But then I broke my foot (it's really fine, but yes broken).  So Instead I've been baking and making us fat.  But again, grace.  (honestly, Christopher runs all the time and isn't fat and I exercise on a monthly schedule--lol).

I have been on a pumpkin kick given that it is fall of course....

Pumpkin Snickerdoodles -- Gluten Free of course were a big hit!

I changed this recipe quite a bit though-- I combined the requested flour amounts and used Namaste's baking blend, and didn't use shortening.  They were incredible.  Added a quarter cup butter. 

Pumpkin layered bread was my favorite though...Delicious!

Again I used Namaste's flour blend. I dropped an egg yolk in, so 2 whole eggs, 1 egg white. I just used raw sugar instead of stevia or sugar as it was cheapest.  This recipe is a perfect example of finding a non-gluten free yummy recipe and easily converting it by using a baking blend flour mix!  By doing that I didn't have to add any xantham gum (which is pricey!).

Next on the list is Pumpkin bread with caramel cream cheese frosting!

Who would not love that! I mean come on!!!

We also made some delicious, gooey, caramel chocolate brownies, I'll be honest, they were mostly from a box.  I just added unknown amounts of caramel and butter to the mix!  (and eggs as directed!)  SO SO Good!!  I have yet to find a homemade brownie recipe that I like as good as boxed brownies, and hence I stick with boxed!  I meant to put a pretzel crust on the bottom but totally forgot...oops!  Next time :)

We stopped by an orchard in Lebanon this weekend (ain't got nothin on Spicer's) and picked up some apples and I'm hoping to make caramel apple pie this week! Sounds incredible, right?

I'm Dating a Marathoner!

That's right, world, my man is a sexy as all get out marathoning man! Christopher's parents were kind enough to allow me to hitch a ride with them to Charleston Friday morning (I drove to their house late Thursday). We arrived around 5:30 and I was greeted with a very happy Boomer, and a little later, a very happy Christopher.

He was so nervous, whether he realized it or not! But he did fantastic!!! He finished all 26.2 miles and ran from charleston to north charleston while also getting a bit of a tour of the city! It was such an incredible feeling watching him accomplish a goal that he has been working towards for several months now. I was so proud, anxious, and in awe of his endurance and strength. It was so fun watching his family be so supportive as well... And basically it was a great experience to watch him cross the finish line with people that love him watching on. I love him so much!

I have realized more and more that I have been blessed with a man that is strong, intelligent, and passionate. We bicker at times because we have different ideals on certain things, but I know he will support me, and he knows I will support him. And in the end, that is what I care about. I feel lucky... But I also feel dreadfully sad that I had to say goodbye to him this morning after spending a wonderful weekend with him! It gets harder each time and I think he has gotten used to the fact that I cannot say "I love you" or "goodbye" because I'm just trying not to cry!!

All in all what a great weekend being loved on, loving on him and celebrating his accomplishments!!

Happy New Year--2013!

Never have I been so grateful to leave a year behind me!  I have had a countdown to 2013 since September, and I am so glad to be saying goodbye to 2012 tonight, though I am not saying good-riddens exactly how I had planned.  I have been fighting a silly cold since right after christmas and am not able to visit my mom in the hospital.  My mom and dad will be ringing in the new year together in the hospital, and Zach and I will be ringing it in here at home, that is, if I can stay awake!

2012 has been rough for many reasons; countless health battles for my mother, countless emotional struggles that my family has had to overcome including the death of my my papaw, and simply watching my mom fight so hard every single day.  On top of that I have had long work/school days, my dad has as well making schedules complicated, my sister is likely VERY sick of her car and the drive from MI to IN, and Zach is likely sick of people asking him how he is doing and asking him about his grades.  My boyfriend moved across the country to SC and I miss him all of the time. BUT there have been GREAT things too...

Great 4th of July memories at the boat, great Seabrook memories, an incredible man I have truly fallen in love with, a family that I will forever be grateful for, a brother who is now driving an AWESOME jeep, a mother who has shown me what strength really is, a papaw who left this earth not before showing me what generosity is, a life of endless learning. 

I am really hoping for a 2013 that is full of health, prosperity, generosity in this nation, beauty, happy changes, and man and I living in the same zipcode!!!

My 2012 final thoughts is something that has struck me lately, which is how often people tell my momma to keep fighting, or to stay strong, and while I understand that these words are meant in good faith, they are actually quite inconsiderate.  Well I think they are, I haven't had the courage to ask her what she thinks because I would likely cry.  I think they are inconsiderate simply because it takes her strength to wake up, to move her legs from side to side, to move in her bed, when she has to ASK to get up, to take her 20+ pills twice a day, etc etc etc.  The strength she has is more than any of us have, and she already has that strength...AND that strength has nothing to do with the outcome of her illness.  She is fighting, as are the doctors, as is her family, but the outcome of her illness, her prognosis, if you will, should never be a reflection on her; and words like "keep fighting" or "stay strong" implies that she has the option to not do that for one, and two that the result of not doing that would be failure.  I'm sure people may disagree, but I feel that applauding her strength and incredible tenacity would be much more appropriate, I just don't think we as a culture know these things unless you have experienced it personally.

Needing Encouragement

As we get closer to the Mayan's "end of the world" I feel myself wondering if it could be true. Well not really. But more so wondering that if this is my current reality, how much is the true end of times going to suck? If children are dying in massacres, if cops are being killed on duty, and NFL stars are making their children parent-less now; what should I expect for the end of times?

It's no surprise that I am a firm supporter of improving access to mental health resources in this nation given my profession, but I find myself being even more concerned about this issue considering the fact that I am in a country where buying an assault weapon is easier than accessing mental health services. I only need an ID and the cost of the weapon, and any big sporting goods store vs my ID, insurance, money, and obviously the fortune of living in a neighborhood with mental health services and the gumption to fight the stigma attached to said services.

When are we going to address this? So you all want your cool guns and your stupid amendment 2? Well I want my fellow neighbors to have access to resources that will better their lives, improve society and keep us safer. I don't give a shit about your stupid guns, but until we address the bigger issues in this country, it is simply unwise to continue to allow these weapons to be as accessible as they are.

I was talking with my mom, her pastor and his wife today about this. Something he said stood out to me, he said that every time he discusses mental health in church he has several individuals express gratitude re his openness in expressing mental illness not as a character flaw but as an actual disease. When is our nation going to follow suit?

Pure Hell

I hope my mom has no memory of the last few days, and I hope that one day my dad and I can forget them too.  In all honesty, when I think of the pain she has endured, and what her body has gone through, it is simply hard to hold it together.  It is unbearable to watch someone I love so much in so much agony as she fights so hard with such tenacity to save her life.  My mom has something in her I haven't found in another human being, it's an ability to be gracefully in pain, and absolutely beautiful despite being in complete agony.  I will never understand where her strength comes from but I can't begin to express my gratitude.  Because if she wasn't willing to fight this hard, and endure this pain, she wouldn't be choosing to fight for her life.

This week marks the beginning of my last YEAR OF [GRAD] SCHOOL.  In eight months (from today) I will be an MSW smarter, and maybe a few pounds lighter if I stay this busy and this addicted to Pure Barre (I'll tell you about it in another post!!!!).  Zachary starts school tomorrow, my dad went back to work today after spending all weekend with my mom (we took shifts and never left her alone, really).  It's hard to imagine leaving her alone, but at the same time I know that she is 1. Safe...the staff on the BMT is absolutely amazing and she has been cared for so well.  and 2. we knew that this was inevitable that we would have to get in a routine...and once we start it we will feel more comfortable with it.  Several of her friends have offered to come visit and sit with her and that has been a blessing for us (and probably her! She's probably sick of us!) 

At the end of the day, we knew it was going to be hard, and I can only hope that with the transplant taking place tomorrow (DAY 0) that she will feel better within a matter of weeks/months.  I'll take waiting that long in exchange for some YEARS with my momma. 

Home Again Home Again..

Well after very few days home in over a month (5 days out of 6 weeks to be exact), I am home "for good" for at least awhile.  I went on vacation in Seabrook with the Groh's, vacation with my family on the boat, I was in Ohio mourning the loss of my papaw, I was spending time with Christopher in Columbus, and most recently I helped move Christopher to Charleston.  It has been a whirlwind of six weeks and so much has happened.  I am exhausted, drained, and burned out emotionally.  It's hard to believe that I need to be gearing up for another school year and teaching year. 

Leaving Charleston was difficult for lots of reasons.  Not only was I leaving this incredible man, but I was also coming home to reality.  Whereas the traveling life lends itself to postponing reality, being home does not.  August will be a month of getting our house, my family, and my momma ready for the battle (of which she has very much started) of her life, literally.  All of our focus is on getting her healthy, and the month of August will be put to good use in getting us all ready.  It was hard coming home, but I am so ready to get my mom feeling better and to see her healthy and back up to her maximum feisty levels, though don't get me wrong, she most certainly hasn't lost her feisty spark.  Tonight she was teaching us the proper hours of phone calls.  Only between 9 and 9, and make the phone call yourself if you want it outside those hours, dammit.    

Thanks for being a part of this journey with me.  This year is bound to be full of more ups and downs, but I am still holding out for the positive and good news of 2012, and trying to find it in every day.

#272:  Remembering to be grateful!
#273: 11:11.  I absolutely love making wishes and being able to wish for positivity!
#274: Safe travels on such a CRAZY day in the airports today.  It was beyond busy!
#275: I love my family so so much and am so proud of their incredible strength.

In Rememberance

goofy papaw at bailey's bday party in 2008

Well 2012 doesn't seem to be lightening its burden on the Polen/McGarvey clan anytime soon.  After spending a day in Lebanon to celebrate Christopher's grandma's 95th birthday, my family received news the my papaw Darrell had taken a turn for the worse.  He has been courageously fighting leukemia (SLL/CLL) since last Memorial Day, but an infection had gotten into his bloodstream and with such a weak immune system from the treatment, this time things never got better as hoped.  My parents and brother came in to town from Michigan, Brittany from Indy, and our entire family was able to be at the hospital to say goodbye and I love you.  It was an emotionally draining day, and a physically exhausting day, but I am grateful my entire family was able to be there to support one another.

My mom is such a trooper.  She is so strong and such a rock.  Despite being sore from a bone marrow biopsy the day before, she was there all day on Saturday supporting her dad and her family through this horrible process. 

Cancer is no friend of our family, and seems to have had a death grip on us since 2004.  I can only dream of a day where its destructive nature no longer follows us wherever we go. 

Once in a Life Time

This past Saturday in Chillicothe, Ohio, my parents' hometown, my aunt Becky and grandma hosted a bone marrow registration drive.  The event was an incredible success, with 149 registering to be donors and raising $2525 so far for the Be The Match organization.  You can still donate or sign up to register by going to marrow.org or by reading more about the event on my mothers blog at carepages.org.  But from my perspective, it was absolutely incredible to see so many people pour their time, sweat and tears into supporting my mom.  When strangers were showing up and friends were showing up after driving hours to get there it started to hit me just how incredible my mother truly is.

One of the trade offs of having moved around the world with my family is really not having a home town.  This weekend was the first time I really felt like that is something I would want at some point in my life, a home base that is.  I have loved moving so much, and am cringing at the fact that I have now lived in Michigan longer than I have lived anywhere else, but having a place to refer to as my home, and a place where I can count on to support me at the drop of a hat would provide a bit of security.  I have been asked a lot about how I would want to raise my own children; if I would want them to move around or if I would want them to have a home town experience and I really have no flipping idea.  But I do know that there are trade offs with both, and that if I have to live in one place forever it better be flipping fantastic!

Saturday taught us lots of things.  It taught us how incredibly respected my mama is, how adored she is by so many.  It taught us that lots of people are praying and hoping for her match to be found quickly.  It taught us that our family is ridiculously strong, showcased by the fact that my grandpa was at the event not 24 hours after getting out of the hospital.  And it taught us that Chillicothe is the definition of community, and we have great friends there who support our family.  I am grateful for all of these things!

#266: Seeing family that I hadn't seen in years this past weekend
#267: Seeing a smile on my papa's face
#268: Hugs from lots of people who know me, though I don't know them from Adam.
#269: Catching up with old friends, cousins, family.  It's so easy to feel comfortable around everyone.
#270: Feeling better!!
#271: The strength of community.

Happy Earth Day!

Happy Earth Day!! I thought I would share the pretty cute Google Decorations in celebration of our Earth. 

The more exposure I have to cancers, illnesses, and ailments, I am reminded over and over again of how much we have polluted our beautiful planet.  Our industrialization, greed, and thoughtless actions have led to a sick planet and lots of sick people.  So what do we do now?

Well, we change.  "Be the change you wish to see in the world".  So, stop buying highly processed foods.  For example, pink slime, which is in most ground chuck, fast food meat, etc, is waste meat sterilized with AMMONIA.  Yeah, that's a known carcinogen.  So don't eat it.  Use your consumer power and put your money where your mouth is.

Grow your own food.  Help and support the initiatives of others to grow their own food.  Buy local, organic produce. 

A nutritionist once told me to only eat foods that are either organic or have less than 5 ingredients.  It's hard.  Try it. 

Consider your carbon footprint.  How do you get from a to b?  Who do you take with you? How can you be more environmentally friendly to protect the futures of your children and mine?

#225: The beauty that is spring time.  Blooming flowers, more sunshine, bright skies.

#226: The realization that I have so much to be grateful for.

#227: Being done with my first year of grad school.

#228: ALMOST done with my first semester of students.  Here's to hoping the grade whiners fizzle out. 

#229: Lots of relaxation time with family. 

#230: Two naps in one day.

#231: Getting closer to seeing the man I love.  Three weeks is simply too long.

#232: Clean laundry after six + plus weeks of not doing laundry.

#233: Puppy Cuddles

#234: Yoga

#235: Doing downward dog with Scarlet.  For reals.

#236: Great breakfasts with friends.  Saying goodbye isn't my fortay...but saying good luck is :)

#237: Music to match my mood.  Country music can put words to my feelings and emotions much better than I can.

#238: Baby smiles, baby giggles, baby cuddles, and simply baby time.

#239: Knowing that my words do not suffice in my expressions of love.

#240: Days off to sleep in, cuddle, relax, shop, and eat.

#241: Chocolate.  And LOTS of it.

#242: Bright Spring/Summer clothes!

#243: Bikini Season.  It's so dreaded for lots of (superficial) reasons.  But I am excited.  It means boating season. 

#244: Growth. 

#245: Love. Hugs.

Celebrate Earth Day however you want.  But think critically about how you treat your home.  And how you treat all of our futures.