Thank You Momma

It has been a year since my mom died.  An entire year.  And in that year I graduated with my master's degree, I moved to Columbus, I got a job, I got engaged, my brother started dating a senior,  scored a 29 on his ACT (!), Brittany continued to excel in her career, she travels like a boss, my dad has worked his ass off, and continues to try and provide stability and normalcy for us all. We all have struggled to keep our heads up and move about our days/weeks/months.  We survived the first year of holidays, birthdays, and life celebrations.  We didn't do it willingly but we made it. A year.

As a mental health provider I find myself questioning where I am at in the grief process all of the time.  The truth is that I have no clue where I am at in the process because I feel it ALL. Grief=sad, mad, scared, feeling guilty, and sad, and depressed, hopeless, and repeat.  Nothing makes sense and nothing feels hopeful.  Something that has held onto me stronger than I expected is how guilty I feel daily.  Why didn't I say X? Why was I so rude when I was 15? Why didn't I ask her more questions? Why was I so freaking tired and why did I spend time sleeping instead of soaking up her love? Why didn't I apologize more? Why wasn't I more selfless? Why did I deserve her love?

The guilt is consuming.  I don't think I am unique in feeling this way, either.  It is the by-product of simply not having enough time with her.  It is so super common for adult children to apologize to their parents once they are parents themselves.  I didn't get that chance.  It is so super common for adult children to fully understand their parents love once they are older and wiser.  I didn't get the chance to become wiser.  I feel robbed.  And mostly, what is so difficult, is to know that truly, everyone who knew her was robbed.

I also feel the need to grieve for my mom.  Grieve what she is missing, on her behalf since she would have done anything (AND DID EVERYTHING) to stay with us just a little bit longer.  While on hospice she was dreaming aloud one day and whispered that she had to get better for us.  I have no idea what she was dreaming but I imagine she was arguing with God about his [stupid] decision to take her from us.  She wanted to be here.  She NEVER prioritized her feelings over our need (which was also hard).  She is missing out on so much.  And we don't quite know how to navigate the "so much" without her guidance.

In my line of work, and in life in general, I come across really bad moms a lot.  Moms  who prioritze their looks, feelings, livlihood over their kids.  Who eat the last bite when the kids are starving, who social media rather than talk to their kids, who would rather vacation alone than with their family, who scream hate towards their struggling kiddos rather than love them.  There are moms who encourage their kids to hate themselves, who preach they are ugly, and who preach low self worth.  There are moms who are truly evil and wish horror onto their kids and love the attention they get when their kids are sick (seriously, it happens).  I'm telling you-there are really bad moms. 

And then there are just "ok" moms. The ones who whine on social media every day about their kids.  Who whine about their toddlers and whine about their 20 year olds.  There are the moms that scream and hit their kids, and the moms that just don't care about their kids feelings.  And even the decent moms, but they just don't do everything in their power to be a GREAT mom.

My mom was none of those things. She did everything for us and wanted the world for us, and fought to get us the world.  She grew up with us and helped us navigate every decision and turn we came upon.  And mostly, she never put herself first, it was always about us.  At times I feel so guilty about this, but I also understand that her greatest joy was to love others.

My mom would have loved being the mother of the bride (and groom!) while there are other women who complain about this, or who don't take the time to help their kids in this stage of life.  My mom would have been thrilled to have grandkids and would have helped out more than I could've ask for, and other grandma's complain about their grandkids and detest spending time with them.  People seriously take it for granted that they GET to have these experiences, they are blessed to be here to see their children grow up.  Not all moms get to do that.

And before you think I am mom-bashing, I am not.  If you are lucky enough to still have your mom, 50 or 99, stop complaining about how bad she is at being a mom and take her for what she is. Learn from her, ask questions, and mostly, THANK HER. If you are a bad mom (no hate) try to think about what your priorities are. What legacy are you leaving behind?

And if you thought I was the only one who sees my mom through such rosy glasses read these words from my dad, clearly she impacted us all in this way.

"She loved you guys so much and dedicated her entire life to help you become the women that you are.  The way to continue to Honor her is to keep her in your memory and to have pride in who you are.  That is what she always wanted and of course to be Happy.
She taught me more than any book could have on how to live and love.  Her ability to have humor and Choose to be Happy combined with her incredibly deep love for all if us;  allowed her to fight to the last minutes."

We Pass the Time with Food and Flavor

We have made it to October 7th.  I didn't know if I would, to be honest.  Dark days and times, moments and hours have filled the past months of life.  And at the same time laughter and warmth, and smiles and fullness.  October 3rd marked six long yet remarkably fast months without my mother.  I was sitting in counseling that morning expressing to my therapist just how SICK I am of missing and longing for her presence, her comfort, her touch, her voice.  I am tired of yearning for her reassurance, her phone calls, her texts, her emails.  I am tired of the flashbacks and nightmares of the horrorible things she went through last year.  I am tired of the fact that my mom is dead.

Similar to as someone might say they are sick of being sick, I am simply sick of grieving.  And this six month mark does nothing more but remind me of the many more "six months'" that I will have to grieve her absence, that I will have to witness her loss on the faces' of my family.  Six months is but a drop in the bucket when looking at the span of a lifetime but then why the hell does it feel as if I had to scrape by to make it here?

I have learned that we rarely give ourselves enough grace or slack or room to fuck up.  What I have learned is this: I am a horrible griever! I am horrible at it because grieving is a horrible thing to HAVE to do! But I HAVE to do it because my life will crumble if I do not face the reality that is my mother is no longer here...and the irony is that my mother would be the one to HELP me in the event that I would crumble (not that others wouldn't).  Mom's are the people we turn to to tell us the brutal truth, to comfort us and help us walk into our first day of work, who help us fix mistakes, laugh at mistakes, and point out our mistakes.  And learning to rely on others and myself for those things will never be easy.  But if I do not learn how to, my life will not continue on in a way that she would have wanted.

Learning all of these things has been difficult. Not only for me but for my bestest pal and manfriend.  I am not only learning this stuff on my own but trying to learn how we can be a team in this process, too.  So in the midst of the stress I was going to run a half marathon! Because what better way to think and process and de-stress than some exercise?? But then I broke my foot (it's really fine, but yes broken).  So Instead I've been baking and making us fat.  But again, grace.  (honestly, Christopher runs all the time and isn't fat and I exercise on a monthly schedule--lol).

I have been on a pumpkin kick given that it is fall of course....

Pumpkin Snickerdoodles -- Gluten Free of course were a big hit!

I changed this recipe quite a bit though-- I combined the requested flour amounts and used Namaste's baking blend, and didn't use shortening.  They were incredible.  Added a quarter cup butter. 

Pumpkin layered bread was my favorite though...Delicious!

Again I used Namaste's flour blend. I dropped an egg yolk in, so 2 whole eggs, 1 egg white. I just used raw sugar instead of stevia or sugar as it was cheapest.  This recipe is a perfect example of finding a non-gluten free yummy recipe and easily converting it by using a baking blend flour mix!  By doing that I didn't have to add any xantham gum (which is pricey!).

Next on the list is Pumpkin bread with caramel cream cheese frosting!

Who would not love that! I mean come on!!!

We also made some delicious, gooey, caramel chocolate brownies, I'll be honest, they were mostly from a box.  I just added unknown amounts of caramel and butter to the mix!  (and eggs as directed!)  SO SO Good!!  I have yet to find a homemade brownie recipe that I like as good as boxed brownies, and hence I stick with boxed!  I meant to put a pretzel crust on the bottom but totally forgot...oops!  Next time :)

We stopped by an orchard in Lebanon this weekend (ain't got nothin on Spicer's) and picked up some apples and I'm hoping to make caramel apple pie this week! Sounds incredible, right?

Social Justice Pump Up

So we (Christopher and I) are training for the Columbus Half Marathon.  Shocking, right? I don't think you could meet someone who hates running more than I do.  But it's going okay actually.  We did 6 miles this Saturday...and I actually did it! I would still rather swim 6 miles than run them, but I did it! Shockingly! And I am slow, like really slow, like I think most people walk faster than I "run", but I don't really care because I'm running.  and for long amounts of times and long amounts of distances.

Anywho.  How do I make it on these long runs you ask? Well I count songs.  Like a mile is 3 songs.  And  my six mile run on Saturday was 17 songs (and 3 pandora commercials and a break from when it wanted to boot me off for inactivity).  Pretty sweet, right?  Now I try to think of other things too so that I don't obsess over the countdown, but still, I count songs.  It gives me a visual when looking at distance/time covered makes me discouraged.

But some songs are like legit pumper-uppers, and other songs are just passing the time songs.  My favorite right now you ask? Same Love- Mackelmore and Mary Lambert!  Seriously an incredible song!

 "The right wing conservatives think it's a decision
And you can be cured with some treatment and religion
Man-made rewiring of a predisposition
Playing God, aw nah here we go
America the brave still fears what we don't know
And God loves all his children, is somehow forgotten
But we paraphrase a book written thirty-five-hundred years ago"

 "When I was at church they taught me something else
If you preach hate at the service those words aren't anointed
That holy water that you soak in has been poisoned
When everyone else is more comfortable remaining voiceless
Rather than fighting for humans that have had their rights stolen
I might not be the same, but that's not important
No freedom till we're equal, damn right I support it"

What incredible lyrics!  I mean seriously, we should be reminded of the fact that there is no FREEDOM for ANY of us until we can ALL experience FREEDOM.  And we as a society LOVE to turn our heads, our eyes, our ears, our hearts away from the reality of the hate that we have today, but it is UNDENIABLE.

Today in the news we see a judge FINALLY making a statement about New York search policy that has been applied mostly to the hispanic and black communitites.  FINALLY.  Our black babies are still DYING TWICE AS MUCH as our white babies (EVEN when we control for things like education level, income level).  What will it take for us to realize that HATE has consequences? That racism is ingrained into our minds and societies? That our freedom means NOTHING when other's cannot experience it?

In the news today we also hear of a STATE FAIR (Missouri) having a rodeo where there is an individual with an Obama mask, and the announcer was enticing the audience saying that the bull would run down Obama, take him down.  While the govenor has thankfully spoken out against this, how do you imagine black individuals in the audience feeling while watching a stunt like this? How do you imagine this display of racism is going to affect little minds that are just learning about the world? Because, let's not be ignorant, and finally recognize that it WILL Affect them.  

Bullying

I admitted a few months ago on Blogger that I love the Kardashian's.  Well since that post, KimK ended a 72 day marriage, KourtneyK got knocked up, and Kourtney and Khloe take NY 2 began.  Surprisingly, the Kardashian sisters have been involved in something incredibly positive in the past few days, too.

The Kardashian sisters went on Extreme MakeOver: Home Edition to support a family whose children had suffered greatly from bullying.  Though bullying has been receiving lots of attention lately in the media with the rise of bullying-related suicides, bullying is still both rampant and detrimental for children and youth.

Watch Jonah's Story.  He is full of honesty, brokenness, strength, and triumph.  His story is moving, powerful, emotional, and inspirational.  Join me in lifting his struggles and pain up to the One who can impact his life.

#89: I am grateful to be at a place in my life where I can be confident without being cocky, myself without being afraid, and free without feeling judged. 

#90: Celebrities are a confusing population to me.  They get paid to live their life, basically.  Though movie stars or musicians get paid for their goods/works, what made the Kardashians famous?  Despite this weird-ness, I am grateful that their fame and the fame of others is doing good in some ways.  Many ways, even.

#91: Christmas is upon us.  Though that means materialism, Hallmark, and money in many ways; it also means donating to those in need, making Christmas happen for families in need, and spending time decorating the house for the holidays.  I love this season.

Social Justice

Justice is a "hot" topic right now...it's in TV shows (grey's last season with Alex's project), on billboards and most definitely in churches and classrooms.  Part of the National Association of Social Workers Code of Ethics is to work towards social justice in everything we do, and this is something I learn about, both practically and big picture, on a daily basis.

I am working on a couple of big papers right now.  One of them is about me (a genogram basically) and one is about connecting course (welfare) work to one of the "competencies" of the NASW.  Social justice is the easiest to connect to any of my courses because SO many things are unjust...

Social Security isn't available until your 65 (or 62) but African Americans have a much shorter life span on average; therefore they receive less of what they paid earlier in life than say Asian women who have the longest life span.

Higher education (public at least) was intended to allow anyone to become as educated as they want; the poor were able to go to school just as the wealthy were.  In current times, however, both the federal and state budgets have drastically affected the funding on ALL education programs, rising tuition costs and cutting the amount of available financial aid funds.  Now, higher education is only for those with the means to get there, which often excludes the less wealthy and disproportionately excludes select ethnic groups.

 Our tax codes are completely messed up, if you didn't already know that.  We give tax cuts to billionaires and some cuts to those making less than 20K/year, but almost no cuts to the average earning American ($20-60K).  This makes it incredibly difficult for many Americans in so many ways.  Instead of taxing people proportionate to income, we tax (Read:PENALIZE) people for working a honest job making 30K a year instead of helping those families make ends meet.  And considering the last point about education, how are these families supposed to get an education leading to a better job?  And who is to say that education would even mater right now?

Basically the world is a mess. Politics are messy.  And our country (and largely the world) is in such a devastating economic situation that we have no attention being given to these justice issues outside of grassroots movements.

How will you help?

Remembering the Moment

September 11, 2001 is a day that everyone old enough to remember, does remember.  I remember the raw emotion, watching the 2nd plane hit, watching the towers fall, and watching the Pentagon and field in Pennsylvania go up in flames and smoke.  I remember the people around me, the tears, the phone calls and the intense fear that we all began to feel as more and more things unfolded on the screen in front of us.

I was living in Buenos Aires, Argentina at the time.  In some ways that made us feel safer...the attacks are in America, we are not in America.  However, the 9/11 attacks spurred other terror cells to make threats against American buildings and people in many foreign countries, including Argentina.  Our school and embassy were threatened.  Our schools became guarded not just by security guards, but by guards with machine guns (loaded).  We had to sign in and out of school grounds.  And personal safety was always on the minds of our parents.

Where were you?  Are you still able to engage with the emotion that the day evokes for so many?  I was able to spend some time today watching the memorial services that took place in DC, New York and Pennsylvania.  I was moved to tears several times.  And though I didn't know, personally, any of the 2,977 victims that died that day, I am emotionally distraught over the pure evil that sparked such an attack, moved by the outpouring of love and support in this country, moved by the tears of family members, and moved by this thing called life that we so often take for granted.

As this 10th anniversary comes to an end I am thankful for my life.  I think of so many things that could have claimed my life thus far, and of how truly blessed I am.  Just last year on September 11th I was in a rollover car accident.  Not only did my friend and I walk away with our lives, but with no broken bones or chronic injuries.  Each life is precious, each life is important, and each life has a purpose.  This weekend has truly reminded me of this. 

Wake Up Calls are Rough

Because of my post on Emotional Breakdowns you know that I am having a rough time adjusting back into the swing of life...well it's not getting much better.  And I am just not sure why.

I am a happy person, okay.  I smile a lot, make eye contact too much because I want to make amigos, and I just like to laugh lots and lots.

This made me sups happy..

I have a pretty great life.  I go to a great school have a great family and great friends.  I may have no money in the bank, but life is good.

Problem is, I am having a hard time with the fact that everything seems negative right now.  Between stupid things like AAA being dumb and me stressing about finding a subletter and stressing about student loans for grad school, everything seems negative.

Help me find positives, friends.