We have made it to October 7th. I didn't know if I would, to be honest. Dark days and times, moments and hours have filled the past months of life. And at the same time laughter and warmth, and smiles and fullness. October 3rd marked six long yet remarkably fast months without my mother. I was sitting in counseling that morning expressing to my therapist just how SICK I am of missing and longing for her presence, her comfort, her touch, her voice. I am tired of yearning for her reassurance, her phone calls, her texts, her emails. I am tired of the flashbacks and nightmares of the horrorible things she went through last year. I am tired of the fact that my mom is dead.
Similar to as someone might say they are sick of being sick, I am simply sick of grieving. And this six month mark does nothing more but remind me of the many more "six months'" that I will have to grieve her absence, that I will have to witness her loss on the faces' of my family. Six months is but a drop in the bucket when looking at the span of a lifetime but then why the hell does it feel as if I had to scrape by to make it here?
I have learned that we rarely give ourselves enough grace or slack or room to fuck up. What I have learned is this: I am a horrible griever! I am horrible at it because grieving is a horrible thing to HAVE to do! But I HAVE to do it because my life will crumble if I do not face the reality that is my mother is no longer here...and the irony is that my mother would be the one to HELP me in the event that I would crumble (not that others wouldn't). Mom's are the people we turn to to tell us the brutal truth, to comfort us and help us walk into our first day of work, who help us fix mistakes, laugh at mistakes, and point out our mistakes. And learning to rely on others and myself for those things will never be easy. But if I do not learn how to, my life will not continue on in a way that she would have wanted.
Learning all of these things has been difficult. Not only for me but for my bestest pal and manfriend. I am not only learning this stuff on my own but trying to learn how we can be a team in this process, too. So in the midst of the stress I was going to run a half marathon! Because what better way to think and process and de-stress than some exercise?? But then I broke my foot (it's really fine, but yes broken). So Instead I've been baking and making us fat. But again, grace. (honestly, Christopher runs all the time and isn't fat and I exercise on a monthly schedule--lol).
I have been on a pumpkin kick given that it is fall of course....
Pumpkin Snickerdoodles -- Gluten Free of course were a big hit!
I changed this recipe quite a bit though-- I combined the requested flour amounts and used Namaste's baking blend, and didn't use shortening. They were incredible. Added a quarter cup butter.
Pumpkin layered bread was my favorite though...Delicious!
Again I used Namaste's flour blend. I dropped an egg yolk in, so 2 whole eggs, 1 egg white. I just used raw sugar instead of stevia or sugar as it was cheapest. This recipe is a perfect example of finding a non-gluten free yummy recipe and easily converting it by using a baking blend flour mix! By doing that I didn't have to add any xantham gum (which is pricey!).
Next on the list is Pumpkin bread with caramel cream cheese frosting!
Who would not love that! I mean come on!!!
We also made some delicious, gooey, caramel chocolate brownies, I'll be honest, they were mostly from a box. I just added unknown amounts of caramel and butter to the mix! (and eggs as directed!) SO SO Good!! I have yet to find a homemade brownie recipe that I like as good as boxed brownies, and hence I stick with boxed! I meant to put a pretzel crust on the bottom but totally forgot...oops! Next time :)
We stopped by an orchard in Lebanon this weekend (ain't got nothin on Spicer's) and picked up some apples and I'm hoping to make caramel apple pie this week! Sounds incredible, right?
Similar to as someone might say they are sick of being sick, I am simply sick of grieving. And this six month mark does nothing more but remind me of the many more "six months'" that I will have to grieve her absence, that I will have to witness her loss on the faces' of my family. Six months is but a drop in the bucket when looking at the span of a lifetime but then why the hell does it feel as if I had to scrape by to make it here?I have learned that we rarely give ourselves enough grace or slack or room to fuck up. What I have learned is this: I am a horrible griever! I am horrible at it because grieving is a horrible thing to HAVE to do! But I HAVE to do it because my life will crumble if I do not face the reality that is my mother is no longer here...and the irony is that my mother would be the one to HELP me in the event that I would crumble (not that others wouldn't). Mom's are the people we turn to to tell us the brutal truth, to comfort us and help us walk into our first day of work, who help us fix mistakes, laugh at mistakes, and point out our mistakes. And learning to rely on others and myself for those things will never be easy. But if I do not learn how to, my life will not continue on in a way that she would have wanted.
Learning all of these things has been difficult. Not only for me but for my bestest pal and manfriend. I am not only learning this stuff on my own but trying to learn how we can be a team in this process, too. So in the midst of the stress I was going to run a half marathon! Because what better way to think and process and de-stress than some exercise?? But then I broke my foot (it's really fine, but yes broken). So Instead I've been baking and making us fat. But again, grace. (honestly, Christopher runs all the time and isn't fat and I exercise on a monthly schedule--lol).
I have been on a pumpkin kick given that it is fall of course....
Pumpkin Snickerdoodles -- Gluten Free of course were a big hit!
I changed this recipe quite a bit though-- I combined the requested flour amounts and used Namaste's baking blend, and didn't use shortening. They were incredible. Added a quarter cup butter.
Again I used Namaste's flour blend. I dropped an egg yolk in, so 2 whole eggs, 1 egg white. I just used raw sugar instead of stevia or sugar as it was cheapest. This recipe is a perfect example of finding a non-gluten free yummy recipe and easily converting it by using a baking blend flour mix! By doing that I didn't have to add any xantham gum (which is pricey!).
Next on the list is Pumpkin bread with caramel cream cheese frosting! Who would not love that! I mean come on!!!
We also made some delicious, gooey, caramel chocolate brownies, I'll be honest, they were mostly from a box. I just added unknown amounts of caramel and butter to the mix! (and eggs as directed!) SO SO Good!! I have yet to find a homemade brownie recipe that I like as good as boxed brownies, and hence I stick with boxed! I meant to put a pretzel crust on the bottom but totally forgot...oops! Next time :)
We stopped by an orchard in Lebanon this weekend (ain't got nothin on Spicer's) and picked up some apples and I'm hoping to make caramel apple pie this week! Sounds incredible, right?
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