Wow, my last post was in January-- a time where my life was CONSUMED with studying, interning, missing my long distance Carolina boyfriend, and my favorite activity, taking care of my beloved mother. Hours in the hospital, checking on her during lunch brea
ks and after interning all day, and hours in the evenings at home, helping her with her creams, medicines, IVs, getting her comfortable, her ipad charged, making sure her rice-a-roni was cooked just right-- and most of all, just soaking her all in.
Everything has changed. We, my family, has experienced deep seasons of sorrow, grief, loss, despair, anger, mistrust, confusion, worry, you name it, one of us have felt it. My mother joined my grandma Dixie on April 3rd, 2013. She dictated how the end of her life would be, and that was an incredible thing to witness. She was in her home, surrounded by all of us, her sister and
mother visited, the pastor visited, she was baptized, her friends sat with her during the days, she was able to get some things in order as she wanted (those cook books NEEDED to be organized as the girls would never use most of them! and it meant a lot to her to download all of her favorite kids songs and make a play list for her future grand children. we listened to that play list on some of her last days). My mom was in control, but what was most difficult was having to watch her switch her mindset from being in control of her cure and recovery, to being in control of her death and progression to the next life. And even though it was an honor to watch her be so brave and be by her side, it was the worst thing imaginable to have to watch that transition from recovery mindset to heaven focused mindset.
Something I will thank God for every day is the fact that my mom was with us for a very long time given the gravity of her battle (now on most days, I follow that thanks with a "but yes, you still suck for taking my mom"). My mom almost left us 10 days prior to when she passed away. We were blessed with TEN days of time in our HOME where she was lucid for most of those days where her schedule was dictated by her, not her medications, not her doctors visits, nothing but her. I remember one day, specifically, when she was doing SO well we had talked about going back to the hospital just because her strength surprised us after such a low point one saturday, and she expressed such freedom about being in her home. It was honestly the most reassuring thing she could have said, as I knew then, she was comfortable, content, she was OK. She was being taken care of by some one MUCH bigger than me.
She demonstrated this by describing what was happening that one saturday we thought we were losing her. She was talking to me, and I think her friend Kim, too. She described being able to hear what we were saying to us, and she remembered everything (us reading the bible to her, us singing to her, etc), but not being able to talk or answer. She said she felt like she was just being pulled away from her body. I asked if she was scared, and she said no, not at all...I had a completely peaceful feeling all over. I knew it was going to be okay, she explained. She didn't like not being able to respond, but she wasn't scared. What a way for God to show her that he is going to care for her. Something I told my mom a lot during her last days was that I was praying that God would scoop her ailing body into his strong arms and restore her strength, and erase her pain. I felt that that prayer was safest as I wished he would do that on earth but I KNEW he would in heaven.
We also told my mom she would have lots of jet ski's to ride in heaven, and even some with stripper poles if so desired (a joke from her days of stripping nightgowns in her sleep).
I miss my mom, achingly so. But I try so very hard to think of ways to honor her memory each and every day. Here we are, June 26. Brittany just had a birthday! we all went to celebrate with her in Carmel, Indiana! Man o Man is she so good at decorating! Christopher and I are living together in Dublin, OH -- no more long distance--EVER. I graduated with my MSW, passed the clinical exam, and am a Licensed social worker...with a JOB starting after our annual Cumberland trip next week. Zachary just got back from a 10 day school trip to Spain, it was about a 4-1 girl-guy ratio, I think he had fun... And dad is loving his Job, and trying to stay busy and active. Christopher is working for nationwide again, missing Charleston a bit, but I help make up for it I think :) We are all trying to keep our heads above water. And the best way us Polen's do that is by getting on a boat--that's where we are headed next week!
ks and after interning all day, and hours in the evenings at home, helping her with her creams, medicines, IVs, getting her comfortable, her ipad charged, making sure her rice-a-roni was cooked just right-- and most of all, just soaking her all in.
Everything has changed. We, my family, has experienced deep seasons of sorrow, grief, loss, despair, anger, mistrust, confusion, worry, you name it, one of us have felt it. My mother joined my grandma Dixie on April 3rd, 2013. She dictated how the end of her life would be, and that was an incredible thing to witness. She was in her home, surrounded by all of us, her sister andmother visited, the pastor visited, she was baptized, her friends sat with her during the days, she was able to get some things in order as she wanted (those cook books NEEDED to be organized as the girls would never use most of them! and it meant a lot to her to download all of her favorite kids songs and make a play list for her future grand children. we listened to that play list on some of her last days). My mom was in control, but what was most difficult was having to watch her switch her mindset from being in control of her cure and recovery, to being in control of her death and progression to the next life. And even though it was an honor to watch her be so brave and be by her side, it was the worst thing imaginable to have to watch that transition from recovery mindset to heaven focused mindset.
Something I will thank God for every day is the fact that my mom was with us for a very long time given the gravity of her battle (now on most days, I follow that thanks with a "but yes, you still suck for taking my mom"). My mom almost left us 10 days prior to when she passed away. We were blessed with TEN days of time in our HOME where she was lucid for most of those days where her schedule was dictated by her, not her medications, not her doctors visits, nothing but her. I remember one day, specifically, when she was doing SO well we had talked about going back to the hospital just because her strength surprised us after such a low point one saturday, and she expressed such freedom about being in her home. It was honestly the most reassuring thing she could have said, as I knew then, she was comfortable, content, she was OK. She was being taken care of by some one MUCH bigger than me. She demonstrated this by describing what was happening that one saturday we thought we were losing her. She was talking to me, and I think her friend Kim, too. She described being able to hear what we were saying to us, and she remembered everything (us reading the bible to her, us singing to her, etc), but not being able to talk or answer. She said she felt like she was just being pulled away from her body. I asked if she was scared, and she said no, not at all...I had a completely peaceful feeling all over. I knew it was going to be okay, she explained. She didn't like not being able to respond, but she wasn't scared. What a way for God to show her that he is going to care for her. Something I told my mom a lot during her last days was that I was praying that God would scoop her ailing body into his strong arms and restore her strength, and erase her pain. I felt that that prayer was safest as I wished he would do that on earth but I KNEW he would in heaven.
We also told my mom she would have lots of jet ski's to ride in heaven, and even some with stripper poles if so desired (a joke from her days of stripping nightgowns in her sleep).
I miss my mom, achingly so. But I try so very hard to think of ways to honor her memory each and every day. Here we are, June 26. Brittany just had a birthday! we all went to celebrate with her in Carmel, Indiana! Man o Man is she so good at decorating! Christopher and I are living together in Dublin, OH -- no more long distance--EVER. I graduated with my MSW, passed the clinical exam, and am a Licensed social worker...with a JOB starting after our annual Cumberland trip next week. Zachary just got back from a 10 day school trip to Spain, it was about a 4-1 girl-guy ratio, I think he had fun... And dad is loving his Job, and trying to stay busy and active. Christopher is working for nationwide again, missing Charleston a bit, but I help make up for it I think :) We are all trying to keep our heads above water. And the best way us Polen's do that is by getting on a boat--that's where we are headed next week!
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