A Whirlwind of Change and Seasons

Wow, my last post was in January-- a time where my life was CONSUMED with studying, interning, missing my long distance Carolina boyfriend, and my favorite activity, taking care of my beloved mother.  Hours in the hospital, checking on her during lunch brea
ks and after interning all day, and hours in the evenings at home, helping her with her creams, medicines, IVs, getting her comfortable, her ipad charged, making sure her rice-a-roni was cooked just right-- and most of all, just soaking her all in. 

Everything has changed.  We, my family, has experienced deep seasons of sorrow, grief, loss, despair, anger, mistrust, confusion, worry, you name it, one of us have felt it.  My mother joined my grandma Dixie on April 3rd, 2013.  She dictated how the end of her life would be, and that was an incredible thing to witness.  She was in her home, surrounded by all of us, her sister and
mother visited, the pastor visited, she was baptized, her friends sat with her during the days, she was able to get some things in order as she wanted (those cook books NEEDED to be organized as the girls would never use most of them! and it meant a lot to her to download all of her favorite kids songs and make a play list for her future grand children. we listened to that play list on some of her last days).  My mom was in control, but what was most difficult was having to watch her switch her mindset from being in control of her cure and recovery, to being in control of her death and progression to the next life.  And even though it was an honor to watch her be so brave and be by her side, it was the worst thing imaginable to have to watch that transition from recovery mindset to heaven focused mindset.

Something I will thank God for every day is the fact that my mom was with us for a very long time given the gravity of her battle (now on most days, I follow that thanks with a "but yes, you still suck for taking my mom").  My mom almost left us 10 days prior to when she passed away.  We were blessed with TEN days of time in our HOME where she was lucid for most of those days where her schedule was dictated by her, not her medications, not her doctors visits, nothing but her.  I remember one day, specifically, when she was doing SO well we had talked about going back to the hospital just because her strength surprised us after such a low point one saturday, and she expressed such freedom about being in her home.  It was honestly the most reassuring thing she could have said, as I knew then, she was comfortable, content, she was OK.  She was being taken care of by some one MUCH bigger than me. 

She demonstrated this by describing what was happening that one saturday we thought we were losing her.  She was talking to me, and I think her friend Kim, too.  She described being able to hear what we were saying to us, and she remembered everything (us reading the bible to her, us singing to her, etc), but not being able to talk or answer.  She said she felt like she was just being pulled away from her body.  I asked if she was scared, and she said no, not at all...I had a completely peaceful feeling all over.  I knew it was going to be okay, she explained.  She didn't like not being able to respond, but she wasn't scared.  What a way for God to show her that he is going to care for her.  Something I told my mom a lot during her last days was that I was praying that God would scoop her ailing body into his strong arms and restore her strength, and erase her pain.  I felt that that prayer was safest as I wished he would do that on earth but I KNEW he would in heaven.

We also told my mom she would have lots of jet ski's to ride in heaven, and even some with stripper poles if so desired (a joke from her days of stripping nightgowns in her sleep). 

I miss my mom, achingly so.  But I try so very hard to think of ways to honor her memory each and every day.  Here we are, June 26.  Brittany just had a birthday! we all went to celebrate with her in Carmel, Indiana! Man o Man is she so good at decorating! Christopher and I are living together in Dublin, OH -- no more long distance--EVER.  I graduated with my MSW, passed the clinical exam, and am a Licensed social worker...with a JOB starting after our annual Cumberland trip next week.  Zachary just got back from a 10 day school trip to Spain, it was about a 4-1 girl-guy ratio, I think he had fun...  And dad is loving his Job, and trying to stay busy and active.  Christopher is working for nationwide again, missing Charleston a bit, but I help make up for it I think :)  We are all trying to keep our heads above water.  And the best way us Polen's do that is by getting on a boat--that's where we are headed next week!

Pure Hell

I hope my mom has no memory of the last few days, and I hope that one day my dad and I can forget them too.  In all honesty, when I think of the pain she has endured, and what her body has gone through, it is simply hard to hold it together.  It is unbearable to watch someone I love so much in so much agony as she fights so hard with such tenacity to save her life.  My mom has something in her I haven't found in another human being, it's an ability to be gracefully in pain, and absolutely beautiful despite being in complete agony.  I will never understand where her strength comes from but I can't begin to express my gratitude.  Because if she wasn't willing to fight this hard, and endure this pain, she wouldn't be choosing to fight for her life.

This week marks the beginning of my last YEAR OF [GRAD] SCHOOL.  In eight months (from today) I will be an MSW smarter, and maybe a few pounds lighter if I stay this busy and this addicted to Pure Barre (I'll tell you about it in another post!!!!).  Zachary starts school tomorrow, my dad went back to work today after spending all weekend with my mom (we took shifts and never left her alone, really).  It's hard to imagine leaving her alone, but at the same time I know that she is 1. Safe...the staff on the BMT is absolutely amazing and she has been cared for so well.  and 2. we knew that this was inevitable that we would have to get in a routine...and once we start it we will feel more comfortable with it.  Several of her friends have offered to come visit and sit with her and that has been a blessing for us (and probably her! She's probably sick of us!) 

At the end of the day, we knew it was going to be hard, and I can only hope that with the transplant taking place tomorrow (DAY 0) that she will feel better within a matter of weeks/months.  I'll take waiting that long in exchange for some YEARS with my momma. 

A Long Time Coming

Yesterday was the first day that I felt fall in the air. It totally freaked me out but also totally got me excited about the things I love about fall.  Us Polen's sure have been through a lot this summer and the fall is sure to bring its own trials, but there is something about the changing of seasons that brings triumph, hope, but also a bit of sadness. I live for summer; time on the lake, time in the sun, and lots of time with people that I love.  Fall has become a favorite time for me though in recent  years; the leaves, the cider, the doughnuts (cheat worthy), the orchard, the football, and the beginning of a new school year.  Fall has been associated with newness for so long in my life now that it is also accompanied with excitement and a bit of nervousness.  This year it is my last year of school, at least for a good while, the beginning of my medical social work experience, a new internship, a new and longer distance in my relationship and it is also the biggest fight my mom has had to face in her life.  It is sure to be a season of trial, but I am hopeful that it goes by quick and we can all look back one day proud that we got through this season of life.

Though fall is in the air for sure, I am most certainly hoping for a few more heat waves before the frigid cold hits Michigan as it always does.  In the mean time, I'll try to capture some of this warmth when it becomes impossible to think of weather above 30 in a mere few months.

Madre is enjoying her last few weeks of summer, too.  She has an insane amount of appointments in the upcoming week/s that are keeping us all busy.  She is doing s great job of staying active when she can and resting when she needs to.  She is also trying to be very patient with us all as we try to become caretakers and help out with the house, Zach, and managing the logistics of the next months.

Hope you are all enjoying summer!

Once in a Life Time

This past Saturday in Chillicothe, Ohio, my parents' hometown, my aunt Becky and grandma hosted a bone marrow registration drive.  The event was an incredible success, with 149 registering to be donors and raising $2525 so far for the Be The Match organization.  You can still donate or sign up to register by going to marrow.org or by reading more about the event on my mothers blog at carepages.org.  But from my perspective, it was absolutely incredible to see so many people pour their time, sweat and tears into supporting my mom.  When strangers were showing up and friends were showing up after driving hours to get there it started to hit me just how incredible my mother truly is.

One of the trade offs of having moved around the world with my family is really not having a home town.  This weekend was the first time I really felt like that is something I would want at some point in my life, a home base that is.  I have loved moving so much, and am cringing at the fact that I have now lived in Michigan longer than I have lived anywhere else, but having a place to refer to as my home, and a place where I can count on to support me at the drop of a hat would provide a bit of security.  I have been asked a lot about how I would want to raise my own children; if I would want them to move around or if I would want them to have a home town experience and I really have no flipping idea.  But I do know that there are trade offs with both, and that if I have to live in one place forever it better be flipping fantastic!

Saturday taught us lots of things.  It taught us how incredibly respected my mama is, how adored she is by so many.  It taught us that lots of people are praying and hoping for her match to be found quickly.  It taught us that our family is ridiculously strong, showcased by the fact that my grandpa was at the event not 24 hours after getting out of the hospital.  And it taught us that Chillicothe is the definition of community, and we have great friends there who support our family.  I am grateful for all of these things!

#266: Seeing family that I hadn't seen in years this past weekend
#267: Seeing a smile on my papa's face
#268: Hugs from lots of people who know me, though I don't know them from Adam.
#269: Catching up with old friends, cousins, family.  It's so easy to feel comfortable around everyone.
#270: Feeling better!!
#271: The strength of community.