Pumping

Someone recently asked me if I work while I pump. 😂😂😂 is all my response could be. Then they said "don't they make hands free bras". 😂😂😂 again. I replied (though it was none of her business) that I use one. She then commented, "oh so you social media and pump". My face moved from polite to RBF real quick. 

While she didn't deserve an explanation, I really should've just invited her into a pump sess. Yes I use that GD "hands free" - zipper device. So for a few seconds I get to take a deep breath and think about my baby while praying I make enough milk for her today. It's a crazy thing to have such an over supply with her and struggle to express enough for her... Pumps suck to put it lightly(and pun-ly). 

After a few deep breaths and yes, maybe scrolling through my thousands of pictures of my peanut to help my let down - that's when it becomes a comedy. Pumping is a two hand sport which is why I need the hands free bra. Seriously. No one told me I'd be twisting and squeezing the bejeezus out of my once cute tits to get the milk out- isn't that why it has suction? The LC used such cute language- "breast massage" and "compression". No. It's legit squeezing, as in bruises the next day. But if I don't do that I'm left feeling engorged and wouldn't have enough for peanut so that's what we do.

Long story short- no I don't work while I pump (minus the occasional vocera call with an awkward humming in the background). And those pictures of peaceful pumps are lies.  

She Sees Me

This little baby. This tiny little 12 lbs of love. She sees me. There are these intense intimate moments where she stares info my eyes, and I swear she sees the hurt, the pain, and the sadness that I still hold onto- and she heals it one look at a time. Sometimes it's in the quiet of the night as she nurses. Other times it when I'm rocking her to sleep, or singing her songs. But I swear- she sees my soul. 

And so of course, as a mom would, I worry. She knows that pain isn't to do with her right? She knows she makes me so happy and proud, right? 

I have a strong believe that babies join us from heaven. I strongly believe she knows my mommy, my grandma, my papaw as well as I do. And when she stares into my eyes I can't help but believe my mommy asked her to. Asked her to love me like I love my momma. I really do believe our babies are our greatest connection to God and our loved ones that have passed.

I'm going to try to not worry and just soak up these gazes, snuggles, and moments. ❤️

This Work

Let's be honest; leaving Annabeth every morning is so much harder than I ever dreamed it would be. My mind races each morning- what if she needs me? What if I miss a milestone? What if she's fussy all day for the nanny? What if she knows I leave her and she hates me for it? There's a spectrum of understandable worry to the truly irrational, of course.

But the hardest (actually I hate choosing absolutes)- one of the hardest things about leaving is arriving to work with babies and their mommas. Sick babies, and their mommas.

My passion has long been moms and babies- their bond, their love, their relationship. I've been blessed in my education and in my career to have worked with moms and babies extensively. I've sat with moms through the tears, laughs, and aches of motherhood. I've held, fed, changed baby after baby- and have even seen many travel and arrive earth side! I've held hands with families rejoicing in milestones met, goals achieved, and birthdays celebrated. 

But; I have also hugged weeping mothers, steadied broken hearted dads, and have said goodbye to fresh infants. I have held the hands of mothers grieving their child's illness, and their child. I've answered those impossible questions- "is he suffering?" "What do I do now?" "How do I leave without her?". I have sat in silence, watching husband and wife- mom and dad- say goodbye to life they created. 

It is a blessing. A privledge that families have allowed me into their most intimate relationships- have welcomed me into their best and their worst days- as well as all of those days in between. This work is an honor and I do not take that lightly.

Being a mother is impossibly hard. And let's be real- I honestly have no idea what I'm doing most hours of the day. But one thing I hope to teach sweet Annabeth is that people- all people- are the most valuable resource we have. I hope that I can teach her the importance of fighting for relationships, advocating for those in need, and holding the hand of those in grief. Again- I have no idea what I'm doing. These are just my hopes. 

All this being said- I have serious work to do in finding balance between my baby and my job. But I know that balance can exist, and I know that the work I do will help my daughter in so many ways. My job isn't special nor am I- but I sincerely hope that it is what it is for a purpose greater than me.