It has been a year since my mom died. An entire year. And in that year I graduated with my master's degree, I moved to Columbus, I got a job, I got engaged, my brother started dating a senior, scored a 29 on his ACT (!), Brittany continued to excel in her career, she travels like a boss, my dad has worked his ass off, and continues to try and provide stability and normalcy for us all. We all have struggled to keep our heads up and move about our days/weeks/months. We survived the first year of holidays, birthdays, and life celebrations. We didn't do it willingly but we made it. A year.
As a mental health provider I find myself questioning where I am at in the grief process all of the time. The truth is that I have no clue where I am at in the process because I feel it ALL. Grief=sad, mad, scared, feeling guilty, and sad, and depressed, hopeless, and repeat. Nothing makes sense and nothing feels hopeful. Something that has held onto me stronger than I expected is how guilty I feel daily. Why didn't I say X? Why was I so rude when I was 15? Why didn't I ask her more questions? Why was I so freaking tired and why did I spend time sleeping instead of soaking up her love? Why didn't I apologize more? Why wasn't I more selfless? Why did I deserve her love?
The guilt is consuming. I don't think I am unique in feeling this way, either. It is the by-product of simply not having enough time with her. It is so super common for adult children to apologize to their parents once they are parents themselves. I didn't get that chance. It is so super common for adult children to fully understand their parents love once they are older and wiser. I didn't get the chance to become wiser. I feel robbed. And mostly, what is so difficult, is to know that truly, everyone who knew her was robbed.
I also feel the need to grieve for my mom. Grieve what she is missing, on her behalf since she would have done anything (AND DID EVERYTHING) to stay with us just a little bit longer. While on hospice she was dreaming aloud one day and whispered that she had to get better for us. I have no idea what she was dreaming but I imagine she was arguing with God about his [stupid] decision to take her from us. She wanted to be here. She NEVER prioritized her feelings over our need (which was also hard). She is missing out on so much. And we don't quite know how to navigate the "so much" without her guidance.
In my line of work, and in life in general, I come across really bad moms a lot. Moms who prioritze their looks, feelings, livlihood over their kids. Who eat the last bite when the kids are starving, who social media rather than talk to their kids, who would rather vacation alone than with their family, who scream hate towards their struggling kiddos rather than love them. There are moms who encourage their kids to hate themselves, who preach they are ugly, and who preach low self worth. There are moms who are truly evil and wish horror onto their kids and love the attention they get when their kids are sick (seriously, it happens). I'm telling you-there are really bad moms.
And then there are just "ok" moms. The ones who whine on social media every day about their kids. Who whine about their toddlers and whine about their 20 year olds. There are the moms that scream and hit their kids, and the moms that just don't care about their kids feelings. And even the decent moms, but they just don't do everything in their power to be a GREAT mom.
My mom was none of those things. She did everything for us and wanted the world for us, and fought to get us the world. She grew up with us and helped us navigate every decision and turn we came upon. And mostly, she never put herself first, it was always about us. At times I feel so guilty about this, but I also understand that her greatest joy was to love others.
My mom would have loved being the mother of the bride (and groom!) while there are other women who complain about this, or who don't take the time to help their kids in this stage of life. My mom would have been thrilled to have grandkids and would have helped out more than I could've ask for, and other grandma's complain about their grandkids and detest spending time with them. People seriously take it for granted that they GET to have these experiences, they are blessed to be here to see their children grow up. Not all moms get to do that.
And before you think I am mom-bashing, I am not. If you are lucky enough to still have your mom, 50 or 99, stop complaining about how bad she is at being a mom and take her for what she is. Learn from her, ask questions, and mostly, THANK HER. If you are a bad mom (no hate) try to think about what your priorities are. What legacy are you leaving behind?
And if you thought I was the only one who sees my mom through such rosy glasses read these words from my dad, clearly she impacted us all in this way.
"She loved you guys so much and dedicated her entire life to help you become the women that you are. The way to continue to Honor her is to keep her in your memory and to have pride in who you are. That is what she always wanted and of course to be Happy.
She taught me more than any book could have on how to live and love. Her ability to have humor and Choose to be Happy combined with her incredibly deep love for all if us; allowed her to fight to the last minutes."
As a mental health provider I find myself questioning where I am at in the grief process all of the time. The truth is that I have no clue where I am at in the process because I feel it ALL. Grief=sad, mad, scared, feeling guilty, and sad, and depressed, hopeless, and repeat. Nothing makes sense and nothing feels hopeful. Something that has held onto me stronger than I expected is how guilty I feel daily. Why didn't I say X? Why was I so rude when I was 15? Why didn't I ask her more questions? Why was I so freaking tired and why did I spend time sleeping instead of soaking up her love? Why didn't I apologize more? Why wasn't I more selfless? Why did I deserve her love?
The guilt is consuming. I don't think I am unique in feeling this way, either. It is the by-product of simply not having enough time with her. It is so super common for adult children to apologize to their parents once they are parents themselves. I didn't get that chance. It is so super common for adult children to fully understand their parents love once they are older and wiser. I didn't get the chance to become wiser. I feel robbed. And mostly, what is so difficult, is to know that truly, everyone who knew her was robbed.
I also feel the need to grieve for my mom. Grieve what she is missing, on her behalf since she would have done anything (AND DID EVERYTHING) to stay with us just a little bit longer. While on hospice she was dreaming aloud one day and whispered that she had to get better for us. I have no idea what she was dreaming but I imagine she was arguing with God about his [stupid] decision to take her from us. She wanted to be here. She NEVER prioritized her feelings over our need (which was also hard). She is missing out on so much. And we don't quite know how to navigate the "so much" without her guidance.
In my line of work, and in life in general, I come across really bad moms a lot. Moms who prioritze their looks, feelings, livlihood over their kids. Who eat the last bite when the kids are starving, who social media rather than talk to their kids, who would rather vacation alone than with their family, who scream hate towards their struggling kiddos rather than love them. There are moms who encourage their kids to hate themselves, who preach they are ugly, and who preach low self worth. There are moms who are truly evil and wish horror onto their kids and love the attention they get when their kids are sick (seriously, it happens). I'm telling you-there are really bad moms.
And then there are just "ok" moms. The ones who whine on social media every day about their kids. Who whine about their toddlers and whine about their 20 year olds. There are the moms that scream and hit their kids, and the moms that just don't care about their kids feelings. And even the decent moms, but they just don't do everything in their power to be a GREAT mom.
My mom was none of those things. She did everything for us and wanted the world for us, and fought to get us the world. She grew up with us and helped us navigate every decision and turn we came upon. And mostly, she never put herself first, it was always about us. At times I feel so guilty about this, but I also understand that her greatest joy was to love others.
My mom would have loved being the mother of the bride (and groom!) while there are other women who complain about this, or who don't take the time to help their kids in this stage of life. My mom would have been thrilled to have grandkids and would have helped out more than I could've ask for, and other grandma's complain about their grandkids and detest spending time with them. People seriously take it for granted that they GET to have these experiences, they are blessed to be here to see their children grow up. Not all moms get to do that.
And before you think I am mom-bashing, I am not. If you are lucky enough to still have your mom, 50 or 99, stop complaining about how bad she is at being a mom and take her for what she is. Learn from her, ask questions, and mostly, THANK HER. If you are a bad mom (no hate) try to think about what your priorities are. What legacy are you leaving behind?
And if you thought I was the only one who sees my mom through such rosy glasses read these words from my dad, clearly she impacted us all in this way.
"She loved you guys so much and dedicated her entire life to help you become the women that you are. The way to continue to Honor her is to keep her in your memory and to have pride in who you are. That is what she always wanted and of course to be Happy.
She taught me more than any book could have on how to live and love. Her ability to have humor and Choose to be Happy combined with her incredibly deep love for all if us; allowed her to fight to the last minutes."
