Engaged!

Wanna know something crazy? The last blog post I made was the day before we got engaged! And I simply had no idea what was about to come!

We went to Michigan the weekend of the 23rd to spend some time with my brother while my dad was over seas working.  My sister came up as well because she was planning to work from Michigan the following week.

Christopher and I knew we wanted to go to Spicer's Orchard to go shopping for some of our favorite wine- cranberry!!  He had mentioned that he wanted to go apple picking, and I agreed with him though I figured there would be no apples to pick since it is WINTER and was literally 10 degrees that weekend.

Well we made it to the Orchard, and I guess Christopher mumbled t
hat all the trees are dead under his breath as we pulled up to the Orchard (Brittany and Zach we
re with us).  We went into the orchard to get the wine, some cider, and some donuts for the non-gluten intolerant.  We put everything in the c
ar and were ready to go! Except Christopher kept asking if we were going to walk around.  I was very non-cooperative because it was FREEZING.  Brittany convinced me to walk over to the cider viewing window--but it was closed.  So then I was ready.  But Christopher was not! He wondered off into the apple trees, in the snow.  I eventually followed, found a frozen apple and threw it at the ground-- ready to get going! (Brittany was silently hoping i would not be a bitch at this moment!).  Christopher eventually grabbed my arm, told me he loved me and told me that I am his best friend.  He got on one knee in the snow, and asked me to marry him.  It all happened so QUICK! I was just totally not expecting it and NEVER clued into it!  It was so perfect.  I was so happy to be surprised, to have my siblings there, and to have the man of my dreams ask me to be his wife.

It was such a joy to call our family and friends- though our family already knew! He had spoken to my dad the week prior, and had told his family as well.  It felt incredible to feel celebrated by our loved ones.

It was very hard for me to not be able to tell my mom, to show her my ring, and to celebrate this incredible time of my life with her.  It can be so incredibly hard to explain to other people just how difficult it is to not have my momma here anymore.  Our family is unlike a lot that I know--we talk all the time, tell each other the good and the bad, share in victories and losses, and are there for one another no matter what.  I miss that about my mom.  She was the number one cheerleader in our family.  No matter what, she was there- physically or figuratively- whenever I needed her.   And in moments of stress or intense joy, she is who I want.  Not because I don't have other people in my life to turn to, but because for my entire life she was THAT person for me.  I love my mom so much, and I miss her more each and every day.

Moms and Babies

Every day I am working, I am working with moms and babies.  I get to see the sickest babies, or the most impoverished mommas on a daily basis.  I see families who have horribly disrupted attachment, but also families who love each other passionately and are trying to do right by their kids, to be the generation that changes for the family. 

Please watch this video if you have time.  It is an incredible story of a mommy and daddy loving the littlest of little one in our chaotic world.  Watch how the love for this boy saves him, and changes their lives as a family forever.  Stories like this one give me Hope in love. 

Working Woman

I have been working now for almost five months as a social worker with Children's Hospital--doing home visits through a prenatal through age three parent support and abuse prevention program.  And yes, I often get asked what I do.  Oh and yes, I often get told that "it must be nice to make your own schedule".  Oh and yes, I do often get told LOTS of things about what people expect my clientele to be like. 

It has been hard for me to internally balance what I see every single day through my job and what the media, pop culture, and even history have taught the public (and my friends and family) about who I am likely serving.  Not to mention, our highly divided country is becoming more and more difficult to navigate as my job requires me to help my families navigate the process of seeking assistance, enrolling in federal programs, and helping them understand that the lies the media and news speak of those who get assistance ARE NOT true. 

There- I said it- the way the news portrays my food stamps receiving, Medicaid getting, WIC assisted families is ABSURD, INACCURATE, HURTFUL, and SHAMING.

And these are some reasons why:

- Welfare Fraud is the main reason most people have negative views of welfare.  Why do you hear about welfare fraud? Because it is good news to report  to taxpaying viewers that their money is being wasted when one woman, for example, is claiming 38 children (who do not exist) getting benefits for all of them (this did happen).  It is also good news when women (recently in columbus) were selling WIC formula for cash.  (ask why sh
e did that? well she did that because she had extra left over and she thought it would be a good way to get cash for a beamer. Oh just kidding--to have cash to pay utilities). 

I am not applauding welfare fraud at all.  But the cases are few and far between the REAL benefactors of these programs (1.5-2.5% of cases).  The media can easily sell these stories because it helps the public continue to stigmatize and shame the users of these programs.

- Do you realize that even WITH benefits, most of the families I work with do not have beds to sleep on, do not have secured housing, do not have money left over for the momma and poppa by the end of the month, and often times do not have enough clothing for any of the family members.  My families are constantly having to rely on places that give out donations (did you know food pantries provide often expired food).  Just because a family is getting assistance does NOT mean they are living well.

- Medicaid is "free" medical coverage for women, children, families who fall below 100-200% of the federal poverty level (changes based on who you are and where you live).  Well, folks, if I were to get pregnant in the state of Ohio before I am married--my salary would qualify me for Medicaid.  Would I apply? HELL YES.  Why? Because it would guarantee me and fake baby the best of healthcare.  With my salary alone could I still get that with the Health coverage I have? Possibly, but mostly because I have a good fake baby daddy.  Alone I would not in any way.  Here's my point-- The benefits are available and it makes sense to use them-- they are designed to help families temporarily, and designed to make sure babies have the best start they can possibly get. 

- Something to remember is that while the programs are helpful, it can be nearly impossible to get out of the cycle of needing assistance. Why? Because the income levels are set so low that if you are even making minimum wage full time, your benefits will be stopped, likely including your childcare (title XX) benefits--making it impossible to still work and make that little.  You cannot raise a kid and pay all of your bills on that little with no assistance.


The families I work for represent the greater whole-- almost 40 million Americans recieve some type of assistance from the government.  And we as a country SHAME that to no end.  We make it seem like families are CHOOSING this life, and we also make it appear to be an enjoyable thing.  What is disgusting to me is what this really means for us as a whole: We shake our heads in disgust at the thought of helping other people-- children, moms and dads.  How awful is it that we as a nation do not want to take care of the people who are our next door neig
hbors, your kids peers, or the people sitting in the pew behind you.  We as a nation LAUGH at a president who has tried VERY hard to ensure these benefits for these families.  What does that make us as people? 

I always get told the "bootstraps" quote when I open this conversation--people just need to find a way to make things work.  But when babies are born into poverty, do not complete middle school (let alone high school or college), and may not even be able to read.  Tell me, how are they supposed to make things work without a little help?  Oh so they shouldn't have kids?  Well tell me, how the HELL are they supposed to learn about birth control if we keep it so god damn hush hush and keep shutting down our Planned Parenthoods and non-profit health centers. 

You can choose to belief what you would like.  But take a moment to think about what type of person you WANT to be.  What values do you WANT to convey to those around you? 

Pink does NOT equal Breast Cancer Treatment/Prevention

The month of October is my favorite time of year, I think.  I also REALLY love the dead of summer where it is blazing hot, everything is in bloom, and boating is the most frequent thing on my mind.

Anyways, October.  I love the leaves, the crunchy ones and the bright ones on the trees.  I love the beginning of boot and jacket season.  I love cozy fires, warm houses, and hot tea.  You know what I don't love? The stupid PINK Breast Cancer campaign. 

1. Not because I don't support breast cancer research.
2. Not because I hate Pink.

I hate it for several reasons

1. Why do we assume Pink=women=breast cancer.  Men get breast cancer too.  And lots of women hate feeling labeled by pink.
2. It feels SO inappropriate to me how many "save the tatas" "barbells for boobs" "booze for boobs" etc events there are.  We are not pouring billions into research for BOOBS.  We are researching for LIVES.  The women, the men afflicted by the disease.  Do we as a nation forget that most people with breast cancer LOSE their breasts?  How insensitive is it to be behind propaganda that FOCUSES on the boobs when a large percentage of these patients have LOST theirs. 
3.  The money. Oh the money.  Can we please consider, for a moment, that Donatos is donating only 25 cents each pizza from their pink-ness campaign.  I mean really?  Or that Nike only donates "a percentage" well what the fuck percentage friends?  Why are we willing to pay more for a pink product when so little is actually going to the cause? because it is popular! And who benefits-- BIG COMPANIES -- not women, men, or BOOBS.
4. There are few things I hate more than NFL Pink.  While I know it has raised funds, let's be real.  NFL could not be a more masculine setting and they are wearing pink for the boobs.  How much more Disney Princess -- the prince will rescue me can we get.  It is nauseating.  Not to mention the teams, Nike, Addidas, etc make millions off of making pink versions of their gear.  That money is not spent on research.  It's profit people. 
5.  Consumer philanthropy makes people lazy...they bought that pink spatula so now they don't need to volunteer, they don't need to donate to cancer research.  Well this is just crap.  I mean it's real, but it is also real stupid.  These color campaigns have led to LESS money in the hands of those doing the research because people believe they have already done their share.  Well the fact of the matter is that you didn't do your share...and people's lives actually depend on your assistance for researching better treatments and actual prevention.  

While I get that awareness is good--yes, everyone knows pink=breast cancer, this isn't the awareness we should be wanting.  We want money given to research institutes.  Money given to non-profits that provide cancer screenings, assistance for cancer afflicted families, and more.  This is what is NOT happening.

Lastly, my last rant is this: Why are we so focused on breast cancer when it isn't the most common? When it is NOT nearly the most deadly?  We have made excellent strides in treatment, but still know nothing about other cancers, like my mom's.  I can tell you why-- we are a sex obsessed culture.  Get this, the two most funded cancers? Prostate and Breast. This is no accident.  What is an accident is that all this pink stuff makes people believe breast cancer is their biggest risk of death, or even the most likely type of cancer they will get--but it IS NOT. 

What I beg of you is to 1. read this article by a breast cancer survivor.  and 2. please think twice before supporting every single companies pink campaign--and instead support research and non-profits actually doing the work. 

We Pass the Time with Food and Flavor

We have made it to October 7th.  I didn't know if I would, to be honest.  Dark days and times, moments and hours have filled the past months of life.  And at the same time laughter and warmth, and smiles and fullness.  October 3rd marked six long yet remarkably fast months without my mother.  I was sitting in counseling that morning expressing to my therapist just how SICK I am of missing and longing for her presence, her comfort, her touch, her voice.  I am tired of yearning for her reassurance, her phone calls, her texts, her emails.  I am tired of the flashbacks and nightmares of the horrorible things she went through last year.  I am tired of the fact that my mom is dead.

Similar to as someone might say they are sick of being sick, I am simply sick of grieving.  And this six month mark does nothing more but remind me of the many more "six months'" that I will have to grieve her absence, that I will have to witness her loss on the faces' of my family.  Six months is but a drop in the bucket when looking at the span of a lifetime but then why the hell does it feel as if I had to scrape by to make it here?

I have learned that we rarely give ourselves enough grace or slack or room to fuck up.  What I have learned is this: I am a horrible griever! I am horrible at it because grieving is a horrible thing to HAVE to do! But I HAVE to do it because my life will crumble if I do not face the reality that is my mother is no longer here...and the irony is that my mother would be the one to HELP me in the event that I would crumble (not that others wouldn't).  Mom's are the people we turn to to tell us the brutal truth, to comfort us and help us walk into our first day of work, who help us fix mistakes, laugh at mistakes, and point out our mistakes.  And learning to rely on others and myself for those things will never be easy.  But if I do not learn how to, my life will not continue on in a way that she would have wanted.

Learning all of these things has been difficult. Not only for me but for my bestest pal and manfriend.  I am not only learning this stuff on my own but trying to learn how we can be a team in this process, too.  So in the midst of the stress I was going to run a half marathon! Because what better way to think and process and de-stress than some exercise?? But then I broke my foot (it's really fine, but yes broken).  So Instead I've been baking and making us fat.  But again, grace.  (honestly, Christopher runs all the time and isn't fat and I exercise on a monthly schedule--lol).

I have been on a pumpkin kick given that it is fall of course....

Pumpkin Snickerdoodles -- Gluten Free of course were a big hit!

I changed this recipe quite a bit though-- I combined the requested flour amounts and used Namaste's baking blend, and didn't use shortening.  They were incredible.  Added a quarter cup butter. 

Pumpkin layered bread was my favorite though...Delicious!

Again I used Namaste's flour blend. I dropped an egg yolk in, so 2 whole eggs, 1 egg white. I just used raw sugar instead of stevia or sugar as it was cheapest.  This recipe is a perfect example of finding a non-gluten free yummy recipe and easily converting it by using a baking blend flour mix!  By doing that I didn't have to add any xantham gum (which is pricey!).

Next on the list is Pumpkin bread with caramel cream cheese frosting!

Who would not love that! I mean come on!!!

We also made some delicious, gooey, caramel chocolate brownies, I'll be honest, they were mostly from a box.  I just added unknown amounts of caramel and butter to the mix!  (and eggs as directed!)  SO SO Good!!  I have yet to find a homemade brownie recipe that I like as good as boxed brownies, and hence I stick with boxed!  I meant to put a pretzel crust on the bottom but totally forgot...oops!  Next time :)

We stopped by an orchard in Lebanon this weekend (ain't got nothin on Spicer's) and picked up some apples and I'm hoping to make caramel apple pie this week! Sounds incredible, right?

Social Justice Pump Up

So we (Christopher and I) are training for the Columbus Half Marathon.  Shocking, right? I don't think you could meet someone who hates running more than I do.  But it's going okay actually.  We did 6 miles this Saturday...and I actually did it! I would still rather swim 6 miles than run them, but I did it! Shockingly! And I am slow, like really slow, like I think most people walk faster than I "run", but I don't really care because I'm running.  and for long amounts of times and long amounts of distances.

Anywho.  How do I make it on these long runs you ask? Well I count songs.  Like a mile is 3 songs.  And  my six mile run on Saturday was 17 songs (and 3 pandora commercials and a break from when it wanted to boot me off for inactivity).  Pretty sweet, right?  Now I try to think of other things too so that I don't obsess over the countdown, but still, I count songs.  It gives me a visual when looking at distance/time covered makes me discouraged.

But some songs are like legit pumper-uppers, and other songs are just passing the time songs.  My favorite right now you ask? Same Love- Mackelmore and Mary Lambert!  Seriously an incredible song!

 "The right wing conservatives think it's a decision
And you can be cured with some treatment and religion
Man-made rewiring of a predisposition
Playing God, aw nah here we go
America the brave still fears what we don't know
And God loves all his children, is somehow forgotten
But we paraphrase a book written thirty-five-hundred years ago"

 "When I was at church they taught me something else
If you preach hate at the service those words aren't anointed
That holy water that you soak in has been poisoned
When everyone else is more comfortable remaining voiceless
Rather than fighting for humans that have had their rights stolen
I might not be the same, but that's not important
No freedom till we're equal, damn right I support it"

What incredible lyrics!  I mean seriously, we should be reminded of the fact that there is no FREEDOM for ANY of us until we can ALL experience FREEDOM.  And we as a society LOVE to turn our heads, our eyes, our ears, our hearts away from the reality of the hate that we have today, but it is UNDENIABLE.

Today in the news we see a judge FINALLY making a statement about New York search policy that has been applied mostly to the hispanic and black communitites.  FINALLY.  Our black babies are still DYING TWICE AS MUCH as our white babies (EVEN when we control for things like education level, income level).  What will it take for us to realize that HATE has consequences? That racism is ingrained into our minds and societies? That our freedom means NOTHING when other's cannot experience it?

In the news today we also hear of a STATE FAIR (Missouri) having a rodeo where there is an individual with an Obama mask, and the announcer was enticing the audience saying that the bull would run down Obama, take him down.  While the govenor has thankfully spoken out against this, how do you imagine black individuals in the audience feeling while watching a stunt like this? How do you imagine this display of racism is going to affect little minds that are just learning about the world? Because, let's not be ignorant, and finally recognize that it WILL Affect them.  

My Most Tiredest Day

People always complain about Monday's, and let me tell ya... I don't really like them either. But I really don't think that they are the worst.  Last week on Wednesday morning I asked Christopher what day it was, and then told him that it was my most tiredest day. And I think Wednesday may be the worst of the worst.  My sister agrees.  When you wake up Wednesday you think that the week is almost done, but it really isn't.  And then that day lasts so flipping long. And then on Thursday you wake up and you feel like THAT is your most tiredest day ever.  But the good thing about Thursday is that the week is almost over.  But the tricky thing about Thursday is that by the end of the day you will often be eating dinner Thursday night thinking it SHOULD be Friday because the day before was so effing awful (damn wednesdays).






Work weeks suck ass.  Good luck y'all. 

Zucchini Bread-- Gluten Free Delicious

I started my job...and the start has been slow! Between trainings and waiting on certifications I have had so much time to research recipes and become an amazing chef! (If I do say so myself!)  We have had stir frys, pot roasts, lots of grilled delicious goodies, lots of rice and mexican dishes, and even some wonderful ZUCCHINI BREAD!  I thought I would share my Zucchini Bread recipe as it was a combination of a couple that I found, mainly borrowing from GlutenFreeGoddess.  Basically the bread is my fave though, and hopefully everyone else who has tried it has enjoyed it too :)

Oven- 350 degrees
You need a loaf pan, greased.

Ingredients:
1.5 cups Namaste GF Flour Blend
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 1/2 teaspoons cinnamon
1 cup brown sugar--no clumps
1/3 cup EVOO (or other)
2 egg whites
1/4 cup vanilla soy milk (I used light)
Good squeeze of half of a lemon (for the juice!)
1 tablespoon vanilla

as many chocolate chips as desired!

1-2 cups of fresh graded zucchini--let the zucchini soak in paper towels to drain the excess water while cooking

Mix all dry ingredients (flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, cinnamon).  Once blended add the brown sugar.  My brown sugar wanted to clump up so using your blender vary the speeds to get the clumps out, the clumps will not break down while cooking so get them out now.

Add wet ingredients (oil, egg whites, milk, lemon juice, vanilla).  Batter will be thick, so add ingredients slowly and keep pressing batter down.  Once the batter is all blended, go back to your zucchini.

Again, get as much excess moisture out of the zucchini as possible.  I then used the paper towels to separate the individual shreds before putting into the batter.  I used the blender on medium for less than 60 seconds to get more moisture out and into the batter, than used a spatula to hand mix the rest.  I then added the chocolate chips.

The bread will need to bake for about 60 minutes, maybe longer depending on how wet your zucchini was.  Test the center of your bread before taking out.

ENJOY!  

And if you are GF-- Namaste has some of the BEST products out there! From flours, to brownies, to pizza crusts--just delicious.  Watch for their products at HomeGoods-weird right? but a great deal on great great awesome products. 

Okay now I need to work!!

A Whirlwind of Change and Seasons

Wow, my last post was in January-- a time where my life was CONSUMED with studying, interning, missing my long distance Carolina boyfriend, and my favorite activity, taking care of my beloved mother.  Hours in the hospital, checking on her during lunch brea
ks and after interning all day, and hours in the evenings at home, helping her with her creams, medicines, IVs, getting her comfortable, her ipad charged, making sure her rice-a-roni was cooked just right-- and most of all, just soaking her all in. 

Everything has changed.  We, my family, has experienced deep seasons of sorrow, grief, loss, despair, anger, mistrust, confusion, worry, you name it, one of us have felt it.  My mother joined my grandma Dixie on April 3rd, 2013.  She dictated how the end of her life would be, and that was an incredible thing to witness.  She was in her home, surrounded by all of us, her sister and
mother visited, the pastor visited, she was baptized, her friends sat with her during the days, she was able to get some things in order as she wanted (those cook books NEEDED to be organized as the girls would never use most of them! and it meant a lot to her to download all of her favorite kids songs and make a play list for her future grand children. we listened to that play list on some of her last days).  My mom was in control, but what was most difficult was having to watch her switch her mindset from being in control of her cure and recovery, to being in control of her death and progression to the next life.  And even though it was an honor to watch her be so brave and be by her side, it was the worst thing imaginable to have to watch that transition from recovery mindset to heaven focused mindset.

Something I will thank God for every day is the fact that my mom was with us for a very long time given the gravity of her battle (now on most days, I follow that thanks with a "but yes, you still suck for taking my mom").  My mom almost left us 10 days prior to when she passed away.  We were blessed with TEN days of time in our HOME where she was lucid for most of those days where her schedule was dictated by her, not her medications, not her doctors visits, nothing but her.  I remember one day, specifically, when she was doing SO well we had talked about going back to the hospital just because her strength surprised us after such a low point one saturday, and she expressed such freedom about being in her home.  It was honestly the most reassuring thing she could have said, as I knew then, she was comfortable, content, she was OK.  She was being taken care of by some one MUCH bigger than me. 

She demonstrated this by describing what was happening that one saturday we thought we were losing her.  She was talking to me, and I think her friend Kim, too.  She described being able to hear what we were saying to us, and she remembered everything (us reading the bible to her, us singing to her, etc), but not being able to talk or answer.  She said she felt like she was just being pulled away from her body.  I asked if she was scared, and she said no, not at all...I had a completely peaceful feeling all over.  I knew it was going to be okay, she explained.  She didn't like not being able to respond, but she wasn't scared.  What a way for God to show her that he is going to care for her.  Something I told my mom a lot during her last days was that I was praying that God would scoop her ailing body into his strong arms and restore her strength, and erase her pain.  I felt that that prayer was safest as I wished he would do that on earth but I KNEW he would in heaven.

We also told my mom she would have lots of jet ski's to ride in heaven, and even some with stripper poles if so desired (a joke from her days of stripping nightgowns in her sleep). 

I miss my mom, achingly so.  But I try so very hard to think of ways to honor her memory each and every day.  Here we are, June 26.  Brittany just had a birthday! we all went to celebrate with her in Carmel, Indiana! Man o Man is she so good at decorating! Christopher and I are living together in Dublin, OH -- no more long distance--EVER.  I graduated with my MSW, passed the clinical exam, and am a Licensed social worker...with a JOB starting after our annual Cumberland trip next week.  Zachary just got back from a 10 day school trip to Spain, it was about a 4-1 girl-guy ratio, I think he had fun...  And dad is loving his Job, and trying to stay busy and active.  Christopher is working for nationwide again, missing Charleston a bit, but I help make up for it I think :)  We are all trying to keep our heads above water.  And the best way us Polen's do that is by getting on a boat--that's where we are headed next week!

I'm Dating a Marathoner!

That's right, world, my man is a sexy as all get out marathoning man! Christopher's parents were kind enough to allow me to hitch a ride with them to Charleston Friday morning (I drove to their house late Thursday). We arrived around 5:30 and I was greeted with a very happy Boomer, and a little later, a very happy Christopher.

He was so nervous, whether he realized it or not! But he did fantastic!!! He finished all 26.2 miles and ran from charleston to north charleston while also getting a bit of a tour of the city! It was such an incredible feeling watching him accomplish a goal that he has been working towards for several months now. I was so proud, anxious, and in awe of his endurance and strength. It was so fun watching his family be so supportive as well... And basically it was a great experience to watch him cross the finish line with people that love him watching on. I love him so much!

I have realized more and more that I have been blessed with a man that is strong, intelligent, and passionate. We bicker at times because we have different ideals on certain things, but I know he will support me, and he knows I will support him. And in the end, that is what I care about. I feel lucky... But I also feel dreadfully sad that I had to say goodbye to him this morning after spending a wonderful weekend with him! It gets harder each time and I think he has gotten used to the fact that I cannot say "I love you" or "goodbye" because I'm just trying not to cry!!

All in all what a great weekend being loved on, loving on him and celebrating his accomplishments!!