Breastfeeding... Ouch

I did not try to breastfeed in the beginning, I decided to breastfeed. I armed myself with tricks to increase supply, studied positioning, and ignorantly believed my instincts, and hers, would suffice. Wrong. Breastfeeding has been the most challenging experience, from the first days of her not latching. 

We have survived poor latch, mastitis, thrush (ouchhh), tongue and lip ties, fast let down, over supply, shallow latch, and cracked so super sore nipples.  And after so much effort ($ too) we are at about 75% pain free nursing and I could cry! Happy cry not pain cry! 

I've dreaded every feed, felt nauseous and nearly black out when she would latch. What a joy to sit in the quiet and feed my babe. Pain free. Peace.

This- this is why I love breastfeeding. When you see me feed my perfect baby girl you know nothing of the pain and fight we've both experienced to get here. I had hoped that negativity towards breastfeeding was gone- but it's not- and all I can think is that maybe if they knew how hard we've had to fight in order to give my baby her nourishment, maybe then they'll respect this womanly art. And maybe they won't. I don't know but I hope. 

So please, if you don't like watching moms breastfeed, don't look. If you look, look lovingly because I promise she's a nervous wreck because of the negative messages we get about feeding our babies- though I do hope this nervousness dissipates! 

Every Momma Needs a Support Group

My baby girl is asleep in my arms, and as I stare at her I can't help but reflect on the momma support group I went to today- breastfeeding group actually. It was the first time I heard women use and express words that describe precisely as I feel. It was the first time a weight began to lift from my shoulders- a guilt and a list of fears slowly lifting from me. 

I've really struggled with trying to understand why this- motherhood- is so hard. I used to be a doula, I'm an infant mental health specialist, I've been around babies and have provided parenting coaching for years. I have so much knowledge about breastfeeding, infants, and parenting- but know absolutely nothing about mothering my daughter. I know absolutely nothing about the millions of feelings, emotions, and thoughts I'm wrestling with. 

It felt validating to know that I'm not a horrible mother because of the sadness and loneliness I battle while nursing my little one for the umpteenth time. Im not evil for feeling "stuck" when she can't go longer than 2 hours between feeds. And I'm not setting her up for feeling unloved when she sees me crying when I feel more isolated than ever before. 

I love this baby girl more than I can put into words, but the emotions and roller coaster of feelings has been very overwhelming. As a mother, my thoughts are completely on her 24-7 and that has been debilitating at times. I am so grateful for the women that shared today and those that gave encouragement. I know baby girl and I will be just fine, and that we will find our own rhythm very soon. 

One thing is for sure- I miss my mom, so so much. I know she'd be such a help. I also know she's with me all the time within me and my girl. I couldn't be more grateful for my hubby and my family, as well. Motherhood takes a village and I'm just trying to find mine! ❤️

The Fears

I've never experienced true anxiety, that is until I say a "plus" sign on a pregnancy test, and I quickly became terrified of everything I felt and experienced, worried my greatest gift could be taken from me.

Since feeling bambino move, a lot of my anxieties have dissipated. When i worry I haven't felt a kick or a flutter in awhile, another one happens and I'm reminded of the miracle growing within.

Despite the anxieties, the illness, the exhaustion, and the ailments- I can't imagine a more magical experience in life.  I look at myself in the mirror and am a bit terrified- but when I think of the little person I will meet in just 12ish weeks I'm awestruck once again. I'm so grateful God has chosen me to mother a child. And I'm so so blessed. 

Pregnant Daughters Need their Mothers

Dear mom,

I have so many questions. I need your help to become a momma, a momma as good as you. I need your help to keep me sane, calm, and assured. I crave your reassurance, your approval, your confidence in me.

Did you worry when I was in your belly? Did every hour come with a fleeting fear of my well being? Did you feel sick for weeks while I depended on you to nourish me? Did you throw up so hard you burst a vessel in your eye? Because I did... And it scared me. You would have known how to reassure me.

When did you feel me kick inside you? Did you worry as you awaited those initial confirmations of my "okayness"? Did you smile and become elated at the thought of me doing gymnastics? Did you pee 100 times a day, and at least 82 times a night? 

How did you convince my dad to be empathetic? To meet your needs as you fought to keep me safe, not to mention my sister alive and your grades up. How did you handle those moments when the world/your job/your husband needs more from you than you could physically give? How did you navigate a marriage in the midst of a monumental life change? I'm doing my best, I promise, but I need your guidance...

Did your changing body make you fearful, or empowered? I know your boobs must have become ginormous because mine are terrifying. Was it easy for you to witness the lines and cellulite appear in trade for the life you were creating? How did you accept the change in your womanhood? 

What did you dream? What were your nightmares? What were YOUR questions? What were your fears, momma, because I have too many to count...

Regrets and Reflections - birthday #2

2 nights. 2 nights where my dad was out of town traveling and my mom stayed in the hospital alone. I didn't stay with her overnight. I visited during the day, after work/class/teaching but then returned to my warm cozy bed at night. I know she would have been mad had I stayed, but would she have also felt safer? More protected? More relaxed and less afraid? 

Countless naps in her hospital room, and I wonder if I didn't try hard enough to boost her energy, her mind. I wonder if I could have brought more positivity in that room and a little less of my then over burdened heart. Did I show her she was a priority? Did I show her she was my world? 

Maybe 3 or 4 days where I simply could not visit her in the hospital. 2 from illness, 1 or 2 (I struggle to remember) because my exhaustion clouded my empathy. Did I make her feel unimportant? When I feel tired in my life now, I nap away the pain it brings me. The guilt I carry for the exhaustion I felt while being my mothers caregiver seems to be never ending. I wish sleep cured the guilt, as well.

Her pain was unbearable to witness, but her fear of what she would miss was worse. My crystal clear memories of her eye pain, her mouth sores, her itchy peeling skin, and her general discomfort haunt me. Her muscle weakness and her inability to control her bowels. Her sense of shame crushed my little girl heart. Did I do enough to show her that her fight was beyond brave? Did I do enough to show her that her pain and eagerness to fight was inspiring and beautiful? 

My mother was ready to talk about her life ending well before we were. And I feel we robbed her of "memory making" with each of us. Why wouldn't I tell her the wedding dress style I wanted? My dream wedding venue? Cake or colors? Why didn't I ask what I should name my little ones? Why did our unwillingness to let her go prevent her from going with peace in her heart? Or did it? 

When I think of how I was as a caregiver [poor], I worry if I will also be this way as a mother. Will I silently pray for naps to come and play time to end? Will I wish away their little lives so that I can get a break from the exhaustion? Will I chose my own comfort over theirs? Will I neglect them, alone at night, so that I can be cozy? 

My one, and only, grace is that I did have my mother, while for way too short a time, I had her to guide, demonstrate, and teach me what compassion and love look like. I pray that God, the true grace, will never let her memories and lessons weaken. And I thank him for her life, and for giving me a family and a husband to walk through these deep valleys with. 

I love you mommy. Happy 48th birthday- on Friday. 

Better If You Were Here

I lost my mother 20 months ago. And while the world and even family and friends largely expect me to be "healed" of my pain and grief, not a day, hour, event goes by where I don't think "wow, this is fun- but not as fun as it could or should Be". I know I am not the only one who has lost a mother, or parent, child, friend, or more- and I know my pain does not trump another's, but my pain is daunting and exhausting. Like I imagine yours may be, too.

My mother knew exactly what to say at any given moment. Feeling fat? She could encourage you to love yourself while encouraging you to be the best you. Huge zit? She could help you laugh off how much it stands out because really- it's not important. Hate your job? She'd let you vent and would remind you of how lucky your employer is.

These little moments are what I miss the most. There are dozens of moments each day that I want to hear her voice, her guidance, her wisdom. My mom was so young- but had lived so many lives. She knew a little bit of everything, and could and did answer all of my questions- which was a lot. She actually used to mock my siblings and I for how many questions we asked her! We assumed she knew everything so why not ask!

I also find myself missing how much she held so many people together. The dad I had with my mom is no longer here, nor myself nor my siblings. While that's not a "bad" thing necessarily, I just miss who we all were when she was here. Softer, gentler, joyful people we often were.

I miss family. I prided myself and identified my family as one of my biggest strengths in college entrance essays and job interviews. I now feel like a child from a broken home, because mine now is. Again, this is no ones fault and not necessarily "bad" just really sad and hard to accept. My siblings and I will likely be celebrating our last true family Christmas with our dad this year, and by last I only mean the last time with our fun silly Polen traditions. Everyone grows up and families change, but mine had to change too soon. Our family vacations may(?) still exist but they exist differently and less excitedly. Again, not bad, but different.

I believe all adults experience pain with their shift from nuclear family to their own family, but when that shift is forced upon them, it's challenging. My clinical mind analyzes this all the time while my heart just aches.

What's even more disheartening is that my mom would know exactly how to walk each of us through this experience and process. She'd guide my dad through how to embark on his new adventure with a new family while also keeping our family close. She'd help my sister navigate decisions she has been faced with regarding her job and life. She'd help my brother by talking through his college plans and dreams. She'd guide me through my marriage and hopeful mommy hood. She would know how to help us navigate our individual lives in the midst of our communal pain. But she is the one that's gone.

What I hold onto is that I know she spent enough time with me to teach me so many things, and I need to hold onto that as I face decisions and trials. I hope my siblings and dad do that, too.

A Married Woman

Well it is official (and I am late).  We were married on the COLDEST day October 4th has ever seen, a day with snow and hail, gray skies, and of course, a very happy new couple.  We were supposed to be married outside, but were instead married in a very romantic indoor ceremony that could not have been more perfect.  We felt surrounded by love and could not have dreamed of a better "party" to celebrate our love for one another. 

Here are some of my FAVORITE moments from the "Best Day Ever"

1. jumping on the bed with your favorite ladies is a MUST on your wedding day! I feel so blessed that the "getting ready" part of the day was honestly stress free! I was nervous and couldn't eat much, but we certainly weren't running around doing anything and I wasn't worried about things not getting done.  It helped to have the best wedding planner (Cynthia @ Bosc and Brie!) and great friends who oversaw some things for us at the venue.


2. riding the trolley to the venue was seriously a blast! I was getting nervous (not about marrying my man, but silly me was so stressed about wanting my guests to LOVE my wedding and I was stressing about it being perfect for OTHERS) and this great trolley (Columbus Trolley) had some mood lighting and jammed out some jams for us! It was the best, basically. (mood lighting not pictured...)

 

 

 3. Walking down the aisle with my dad was basically the best thing that could have happened, and at precisely the right time.  I was, again, nervous about all the people who would be looking at me and judging me (I'm not skinny enough, my dress isn't pretty enough, etc etc stupid girl worries) and my dad gave the best advice "when we turn the corner, you don't look at anyone in that room.  You find christopher, lock your eyes on him, and never move them".  Wow! I listened like the straight A student that I am, and it was the best decision I made! 

4. Seeing my groom was such a thrill.  I had missed him all day and was so excited to be standing by him.  Our ceremony was seriously the most romantic thing ever.  We wrote our own vows (please please do this) and it was an incredible thing to hear the man I love tell me how he loves me.  The other best part of the ceremony was my dear friend Katie singing such an important song to me.  It is the song I sang to my mother while she was on Hospice in our family home, over and over and over again.  And a song that continues to help me see that God is Love, and from Him comes all Love.  I loved singing it to my groom, and honestly during these few minutes I forgot the hundreds of people watching us.  

5. The dances were SO fun! I loved rocking out with my dad, and snuggling close to my man friend.  I loved gettin' down with my girls, and twirling my favorite little boys.  The dance floor was certainly where to be.

 

Basically it was just fantastic.  Hope everyone loved our wedding as much as we did!!