Regrets and Reflections - birthday #2

2 nights. 2 nights where my dad was out of town traveling and my mom stayed in the hospital alone. I didn't stay with her overnight. I visited during the day, after work/class/teaching but then returned to my warm cozy bed at night. I know she would have been mad had I stayed, but would she have also felt safer? More protected? More relaxed and less afraid? 

Countless naps in her hospital room, and I wonder if I didn't try hard enough to boost her energy, her mind. I wonder if I could have brought more positivity in that room and a little less of my then over burdened heart. Did I show her she was a priority? Did I show her she was my world? 

Maybe 3 or 4 days where I simply could not visit her in the hospital. 2 from illness, 1 or 2 (I struggle to remember) because my exhaustion clouded my empathy. Did I make her feel unimportant? When I feel tired in my life now, I nap away the pain it brings me. The guilt I carry for the exhaustion I felt while being my mothers caregiver seems to be never ending. I wish sleep cured the guilt, as well.

Her pain was unbearable to witness, but her fear of what she would miss was worse. My crystal clear memories of her eye pain, her mouth sores, her itchy peeling skin, and her general discomfort haunt me. Her muscle weakness and her inability to control her bowels. Her sense of shame crushed my little girl heart. Did I do enough to show her that her fight was beyond brave? Did I do enough to show her that her pain and eagerness to fight was inspiring and beautiful? 

My mother was ready to talk about her life ending well before we were. And I feel we robbed her of "memory making" with each of us. Why wouldn't I tell her the wedding dress style I wanted? My dream wedding venue? Cake or colors? Why didn't I ask what I should name my little ones? Why did our unwillingness to let her go prevent her from going with peace in her heart? Or did it? 

When I think of how I was as a caregiver [poor], I worry if I will also be this way as a mother. Will I silently pray for naps to come and play time to end? Will I wish away their little lives so that I can get a break from the exhaustion? Will I chose my own comfort over theirs? Will I neglect them, alone at night, so that I can be cozy? 

My one, and only, grace is that I did have my mother, while for way too short a time, I had her to guide, demonstrate, and teach me what compassion and love look like. I pray that God, the true grace, will never let her memories and lessons weaken. And I thank him for her life, and for giving me a family and a husband to walk through these deep valleys with. 

I love you mommy. Happy 48th birthday- on Friday.