Every Momma Needs a Support Group

My baby girl is asleep in my arms, and as I stare at her I can't help but reflect on the momma support group I went to today- breastfeeding group actually. It was the first time I heard women use and express words that describe precisely as I feel. It was the first time a weight began to lift from my shoulders- a guilt and a list of fears slowly lifting from me. 

I've really struggled with trying to understand why this- motherhood- is so hard. I used to be a doula, I'm an infant mental health specialist, I've been around babies and have provided parenting coaching for years. I have so much knowledge about breastfeeding, infants, and parenting- but know absolutely nothing about mothering my daughter. I know absolutely nothing about the millions of feelings, emotions, and thoughts I'm wrestling with. 

It felt validating to know that I'm not a horrible mother because of the sadness and loneliness I battle while nursing my little one for the umpteenth time. Im not evil for feeling "stuck" when she can't go longer than 2 hours between feeds. And I'm not setting her up for feeling unloved when she sees me crying when I feel more isolated than ever before. 

I love this baby girl more than I can put into words, but the emotions and roller coaster of feelings has been very overwhelming. As a mother, my thoughts are completely on her 24-7 and that has been debilitating at times. I am so grateful for the women that shared today and those that gave encouragement. I know baby girl and I will be just fine, and that we will find our own rhythm very soon. 

One thing is for sure- I miss my mom, so so much. I know she'd be such a help. I also know she's with me all the time within me and my girl. I couldn't be more grateful for my hubby and my family, as well. Motherhood takes a village and I'm just trying to find mine! ❤️

The Fears

I've never experienced true anxiety, that is until I say a "plus" sign on a pregnancy test, and I quickly became terrified of everything I felt and experienced, worried my greatest gift could be taken from me.

Since feeling bambino move, a lot of my anxieties have dissipated. When i worry I haven't felt a kick or a flutter in awhile, another one happens and I'm reminded of the miracle growing within.

Despite the anxieties, the illness, the exhaustion, and the ailments- I can't imagine a more magical experience in life.  I look at myself in the mirror and am a bit terrified- but when I think of the little person I will meet in just 12ish weeks I'm awestruck once again. I'm so grateful God has chosen me to mother a child. And I'm so so blessed. 

Pregnant Daughters Need their Mothers

Dear mom,

I have so many questions. I need your help to become a momma, a momma as good as you. I need your help to keep me sane, calm, and assured. I crave your reassurance, your approval, your confidence in me.

Did you worry when I was in your belly? Did every hour come with a fleeting fear of my well being? Did you feel sick for weeks while I depended on you to nourish me? Did you throw up so hard you burst a vessel in your eye? Because I did... And it scared me. You would have known how to reassure me.

When did you feel me kick inside you? Did you worry as you awaited those initial confirmations of my "okayness"? Did you smile and become elated at the thought of me doing gymnastics? Did you pee 100 times a day, and at least 82 times a night? 

How did you convince my dad to be empathetic? To meet your needs as you fought to keep me safe, not to mention my sister alive and your grades up. How did you handle those moments when the world/your job/your husband needs more from you than you could physically give? How did you navigate a marriage in the midst of a monumental life change? I'm doing my best, I promise, but I need your guidance...

Did your changing body make you fearful, or empowered? I know your boobs must have become ginormous because mine are terrifying. Was it easy for you to witness the lines and cellulite appear in trade for the life you were creating? How did you accept the change in your womanhood? 

What did you dream? What were your nightmares? What were YOUR questions? What were your fears, momma, because I have too many to count...

Regrets and Reflections - birthday #2

2 nights. 2 nights where my dad was out of town traveling and my mom stayed in the hospital alone. I didn't stay with her overnight. I visited during the day, after work/class/teaching but then returned to my warm cozy bed at night. I know she would have been mad had I stayed, but would she have also felt safer? More protected? More relaxed and less afraid? 

Countless naps in her hospital room, and I wonder if I didn't try hard enough to boost her energy, her mind. I wonder if I could have brought more positivity in that room and a little less of my then over burdened heart. Did I show her she was a priority? Did I show her she was my world? 

Maybe 3 or 4 days where I simply could not visit her in the hospital. 2 from illness, 1 or 2 (I struggle to remember) because my exhaustion clouded my empathy. Did I make her feel unimportant? When I feel tired in my life now, I nap away the pain it brings me. The guilt I carry for the exhaustion I felt while being my mothers caregiver seems to be never ending. I wish sleep cured the guilt, as well.

Her pain was unbearable to witness, but her fear of what she would miss was worse. My crystal clear memories of her eye pain, her mouth sores, her itchy peeling skin, and her general discomfort haunt me. Her muscle weakness and her inability to control her bowels. Her sense of shame crushed my little girl heart. Did I do enough to show her that her fight was beyond brave? Did I do enough to show her that her pain and eagerness to fight was inspiring and beautiful? 

My mother was ready to talk about her life ending well before we were. And I feel we robbed her of "memory making" with each of us. Why wouldn't I tell her the wedding dress style I wanted? My dream wedding venue? Cake or colors? Why didn't I ask what I should name my little ones? Why did our unwillingness to let her go prevent her from going with peace in her heart? Or did it? 

When I think of how I was as a caregiver [poor], I worry if I will also be this way as a mother. Will I silently pray for naps to come and play time to end? Will I wish away their little lives so that I can get a break from the exhaustion? Will I chose my own comfort over theirs? Will I neglect them, alone at night, so that I can be cozy? 

My one, and only, grace is that I did have my mother, while for way too short a time, I had her to guide, demonstrate, and teach me what compassion and love look like. I pray that God, the true grace, will never let her memories and lessons weaken. And I thank him for her life, and for giving me a family and a husband to walk through these deep valleys with. 

I love you mommy. Happy 48th birthday- on Friday. 

Better If You Were Here

I lost my mother 20 months ago. And while the world and even family and friends largely expect me to be "healed" of my pain and grief, not a day, hour, event goes by where I don't think "wow, this is fun- but not as fun as it could or should Be". I know I am not the only one who has lost a mother, or parent, child, friend, or more- and I know my pain does not trump another's, but my pain is daunting and exhausting. Like I imagine yours may be, too.

My mother knew exactly what to say at any given moment. Feeling fat? She could encourage you to love yourself while encouraging you to be the best you. Huge zit? She could help you laugh off how much it stands out because really- it's not important. Hate your job? She'd let you vent and would remind you of how lucky your employer is.

These little moments are what I miss the most. There are dozens of moments each day that I want to hear her voice, her guidance, her wisdom. My mom was so young- but had lived so many lives. She knew a little bit of everything, and could and did answer all of my questions- which was a lot. She actually used to mock my siblings and I for how many questions we asked her! We assumed she knew everything so why not ask!

I also find myself missing how much she held so many people together. The dad I had with my mom is no longer here, nor myself nor my siblings. While that's not a "bad" thing necessarily, I just miss who we all were when she was here. Softer, gentler, joyful people we often were.

I miss family. I prided myself and identified my family as one of my biggest strengths in college entrance essays and job interviews. I now feel like a child from a broken home, because mine now is. Again, this is no ones fault and not necessarily "bad" just really sad and hard to accept. My siblings and I will likely be celebrating our last true family Christmas with our dad this year, and by last I only mean the last time with our fun silly Polen traditions. Everyone grows up and families change, but mine had to change too soon. Our family vacations may(?) still exist but they exist differently and less excitedly. Again, not bad, but different.

I believe all adults experience pain with their shift from nuclear family to their own family, but when that shift is forced upon them, it's challenging. My clinical mind analyzes this all the time while my heart just aches.

What's even more disheartening is that my mom would know exactly how to walk each of us through this experience and process. She'd guide my dad through how to embark on his new adventure with a new family while also keeping our family close. She'd help my sister navigate decisions she has been faced with regarding her job and life. She'd help my brother by talking through his college plans and dreams. She'd guide me through my marriage and hopeful mommy hood. She would know how to help us navigate our individual lives in the midst of our communal pain. But she is the one that's gone.

What I hold onto is that I know she spent enough time with me to teach me so many things, and I need to hold onto that as I face decisions and trials. I hope my siblings and dad do that, too.

A Married Woman

Well it is official (and I am late).  We were married on the COLDEST day October 4th has ever seen, a day with snow and hail, gray skies, and of course, a very happy new couple.  We were supposed to be married outside, but were instead married in a very romantic indoor ceremony that could not have been more perfect.  We felt surrounded by love and could not have dreamed of a better "party" to celebrate our love for one another. 

Here are some of my FAVORITE moments from the "Best Day Ever"

1. jumping on the bed with your favorite ladies is a MUST on your wedding day! I feel so blessed that the "getting ready" part of the day was honestly stress free! I was nervous and couldn't eat much, but we certainly weren't running around doing anything and I wasn't worried about things not getting done.  It helped to have the best wedding planner (Cynthia @ Bosc and Brie!) and great friends who oversaw some things for us at the venue.


2. riding the trolley to the venue was seriously a blast! I was getting nervous (not about marrying my man, but silly me was so stressed about wanting my guests to LOVE my wedding and I was stressing about it being perfect for OTHERS) and this great trolley (Columbus Trolley) had some mood lighting and jammed out some jams for us! It was the best, basically. (mood lighting not pictured...)

 

 

 3. Walking down the aisle with my dad was basically the best thing that could have happened, and at precisely the right time.  I was, again, nervous about all the people who would be looking at me and judging me (I'm not skinny enough, my dress isn't pretty enough, etc etc stupid girl worries) and my dad gave the best advice "when we turn the corner, you don't look at anyone in that room.  You find christopher, lock your eyes on him, and never move them".  Wow! I listened like the straight A student that I am, and it was the best decision I made! 

4. Seeing my groom was such a thrill.  I had missed him all day and was so excited to be standing by him.  Our ceremony was seriously the most romantic thing ever.  We wrote our own vows (please please do this) and it was an incredible thing to hear the man I love tell me how he loves me.  The other best part of the ceremony was my dear friend Katie singing such an important song to me.  It is the song I sang to my mother while she was on Hospice in our family home, over and over and over again.  And a song that continues to help me see that God is Love, and from Him comes all Love.  I loved singing it to my groom, and honestly during these few minutes I forgot the hundreds of people watching us.  

5. The dances were SO fun! I loved rocking out with my dad, and snuggling close to my man friend.  I loved gettin' down with my girls, and twirling my favorite little boys.  The dance floor was certainly where to be.

 

Basically it was just fantastic.  Hope everyone loved our wedding as much as we did!!

10 Things to Never say to a Bride-to-Be

In the midst of this wedding planning season of my life, I have learned so so much about wedding etiquette, planning etiquette, and how to and how not to be a supportive person for a Bride.  At times I think about the friends who are already married, and worry that I may have said some of the following things to them (SORRY!), as I think most of us do not think of these things and how it affects the person you are speaking it to.  That being said, I hope you find this list helpful when speaking to your friend, sister, daughter, daughter-in-law, etc who is preparing for their BIG day!.

1. "Weddings are not important anyway"
- Um, what? YOU may not find having a wedding important, but weddings are, by nature, important.  Not only is it a holy sacrament with historical and religious importance, but it marks the first day of a marriage that is meant for eternity.  It symbolizes a forever bond, love, and commitment.  There is nothing quite like a wedding, in that it consists of two imperfect people declaring an unconditional love and acceptance of one another for life.  They are certainly important.

2. "OMG I would NEVER do that/Spend that/choose that"
- Good for you, but this is not about you.  It is not your place to judge the bride's choices and taste.  If a bride and her groom want to spend $50k on their wedding, why does that matter to you? It in no way means you should spend that too, but you do not have the right to judge. And the invitations they pick are PERFECT for them, no one cares if you would choose them. Same with colors, bridesmaids dresses, ceremony readings, etc.  This wedding is not about you, but is about the Bride and Groom.  And while I agree that the money spent and decorative details at the wedding do not dictate the success of the marriage, it is important that the Bride and Groom celebrate their love and union in the way that is important to them.

3. "Well that is not the traditional way"
- This one I love. Well I hate it. But I love how much I hate it.  Each bride is different, each groom is different, and while weddings are certainly a tradition, the trend now (and what I found most beautiful about weddings) is to personalize the day and experience to symbolize each individual joining in this marriage.  Whether it be the processional order, the table arrangements, the veil, the music, or the invites; let the Bride and Groom choose what speaks to them most and stop telling them that their choices are not traditional, because n
o one cares.

4. "How are you planning to lose weight"
- I have gotten this from family, work clients, and strangers.  Since when does having a wedding mean I need to change every single thing about myself? (note: some encouraged plastic surgery).  While I have absolutely been trying to lose a few pounds, and have incorporated strength and cardio training into my life, it is so inappropriate that people assume that I am trying to get "skinny" just for my wedding.  Does no one care about healthy anymore?  It bothers me that people find that a more important to ask than how I am emotionally preparing for my marriage (I have never been asked that).  When brides in your life are trying to lose weight, absolutely encourage them, but make sure that they know that they will be radiating and beautiful regardless of their size because of the joy and happiness of the love they share. 

5. "Do I have to help with that?"

but seriously

- This is such a common issue I have heard from other brides.  So many assume that much of the wedding simply takes care of itself, while in reality weddings come together with lots and lots of work.  And while some people are extremely generous and offer to help with every detail, there are others who frequently ask if they are "required" to help or if they really need to help with X or Y detail.  How is a bride to respond?  I usually say NO, as I am not going to shove my wedding down anyone's throat, not to mention if people don't want to help, it is no fun making them do it.  So my advice? If a bride asks for help, help her.  If she doesn't, no need to check in on her need for your help unless you are genuinely offering.

6. "Why are you doing that/it that way/not that?"
- This is in line with the fact that it is none of your business, bitches.  Weddings are such a beautiful opportunity to have a personal representation of the Bride and Groom, and they owe no one a justification for their decisions regarding their day. 

7. "Please don't do THAT at your wedding! I HATE that..."
- This cracks me up.  Because not only are you telling a Bride that you don't like a certain tradition or event at a wedding, you are requesting that the Bride omit it from HER day to please you.  Think about it... for us, we are going to have about 200 people at our wedding... if I took requests from each, could you imagine the nightmare? Not mention, can we all just agree to recognize that the wedding is not about anyone but the bride, groom, and respective families.

8. "Have you started you teeth whitening regimen?"
- This favorite of mine came from theknot.com emails back when we had about 9 months until our wedding.  How silly of the knot to think that I was able to even begin to think about small details like that so far in advance! You would be shocked at what others have said to me in regards to the beauty prep process for my wedding.  People have asked if I'm sticking with my blonde hair, if I am going to get botox (see #4), and if I am going to get everything waxed for the day of. Why is it people's business? And why can people just not ask open ended questions... "what are you doing with your hair?" "do you have a beauty prep schedule?" just for example.

lol

9. "You are just wasting so much money"
- Well, to be honest, we are spending so much money, but why does that mean we are wasting it? Like #1 and #2, each person is going to do things a little different, from small weddings to huge weddings, everything differs.  BUT
please stop assuming that the money we and other couples spend on their wedding AND honeymoon is a waste.  I cannot wait to be old and gray with my man and think back to what will likely be our only extravagant vacation before kids.  What a special and once in a lifetime experience this wedding and honeymoon will be for us!  When talking to your friends, be empathetic by acknowledging the financial burden of weddings, but be encouraging and non judgmental by letting them know they can make the best decisions for themselves.

10. Avoiding the wedding..
- Best for Last. SO many people want to talk about our wedding with us, but there are others that hurry off the phone at the mention of it, or glaze over when we mention it.  And even more who simply have fallen off the face of the earth since we got engaged.  And while we try really hard to make most of our conversations with others NOT wedding related, every single day we are making decisions and discussing our wedding, making it hard to never mention it.  If you are not a wedding person,  or for some reason cannot join in the excitement with the happy couple, just play pretend for a few moments.  It is most likely a you issue and not the couple's issue.  That being said if the couple is obnoxious about their wedding...TELL THEM. I hope my friends would do that for me.

What things have been said to you as a bride-to-be?