Zookeeper's Wife

I know I'm basically a year behind, but I'm a mom and I use that excuse widely. 

If you're looking for an emotionally, eye opening, heart wrenching, thought provoking movie look absolutely no further. The zookeepers wife proves to be all of the above and more. 

It has always been hard for me to imagine the Nazi era, but I have been working hard to educate myself over the last years to better understand the histories of people around me. I still struggle to wrap my mind around the ingrained hatred that worked to motivate Word War II, and honestly I don't want to understand it. But, I do want to understand what led to it so that I can be best educated in how to prevent this level of hatred again.

I recently read Small Little Things by Jodi Picoult, and it too opened my eyes to experiences of racism for PoC. While I may be "woke" to the reality of these things existing, I am privileged in the sense that it isn't my daily life. 

I can't help but take a step back and reflect. How am I actively working against hatred? How am I pursuing a society of equity? How will I continue to respond as the hatred seems to be more vocal, more blatant, and more celebrated than ever before in my short life? These are questions that are quite literally keeping me up tonight. This movie. Oh my heart. This REALITY of so many- these babies being loaded in a train to be killed because of their looks and their beliefs. And a family who risked their marriage, safety, lives, and children to help others. 300+ people were saved because of their sacrifice. What will I sacrifice? What do I sacrifice? How could it be more? 

Worthington Farmer's Market

Having lived in Columbus for over 4 years, you'd think I would've taken advantage of the Worthington Farmer's Market... but we really haven't! I was so glad that a good friend and her baby (born just a few weeks before Annabeth) were willing to join Annabeth and I on Saturday as we explored all that the market has to offer!

One thing that I loved so much was that with parking at the Worthington United Methodist Church, you start exploring the market on the South East corner of the markets. Walking north, you explore some fantastic vendors- including coffee that you could smell a block away, natural honey, so many veggies, and more (like Peace Love and Little Donuts!).  Keep walking north and you pass my FAVORITE Columbus brunch spot, The Whitney House (omg the sausage). 

Then you hit the best part of the market... the park where the Columbus Folk Music Society was playing music.  The had a blanket with a large basket of kids music toys. My toddler, like many others, was absolutely enamored by the event.  She seriously had a blast.  Once she was ready to hop back in her Moby Sling, we walked south on the West side of High Street.  

The West side of the street boasted some of the most fragrant strawberries ever! My friend bought some and said they were amazing. There was even a few meat vendors selling local, organic products.  I loved the salsa and dip vendors with samples, as well!

One of the best parts of this Farmer's Market is how family friendly it truly is! There were so many families (and so many babywearers, too!) and puppies as well.  Annabeth absolutely loves going anywhere that she can people watch and this was seriously a fantastic Saturday morning event. Next time, I plan to bring a grocery bag and a list so that I'm more prepared to stock up on items I know we'll use the most!

What are your favorite Farmer's Markets in Columbus? Who are your favorite vendors?

Pumping

Someone recently asked me if I work while I pump. 😂😂😂 is all my response could be. Then they said "don't they make hands free bras". 😂😂😂 again. I replied (though it was none of her business) that I use one. She then commented, "oh so you social media and pump". My face moved from polite to RBF real quick. 

While she didn't deserve an explanation, I really should've just invited her into a pump sess. Yes I use that GD "hands free" - zipper device. So for a few seconds I get to take a deep breath and think about my baby while praying I make enough milk for her today. It's a crazy thing to have such an over supply with her and struggle to express enough for her... Pumps suck to put it lightly(and pun-ly). 

After a few deep breaths and yes, maybe scrolling through my thousands of pictures of my peanut to help my let down - that's when it becomes a comedy. Pumping is a two hand sport which is why I need the hands free bra. Seriously. No one told me I'd be twisting and squeezing the bejeezus out of my once cute tits to get the milk out- isn't that why it has suction? The LC used such cute language- "breast massage" and "compression". No. It's legit squeezing, as in bruises the next day. But if I don't do that I'm left feeling engorged and wouldn't have enough for peanut so that's what we do.

Long story short- no I don't work while I pump (minus the occasional vocera call with an awkward humming in the background). And those pictures of peaceful pumps are lies.  

She Sees Me

This little baby. This tiny little 12 lbs of love. She sees me. There are these intense intimate moments where she stares info my eyes, and I swear she sees the hurt, the pain, and the sadness that I still hold onto- and she heals it one look at a time. Sometimes it's in the quiet of the night as she nurses. Other times it when I'm rocking her to sleep, or singing her songs. But I swear- she sees my soul. 

And so of course, as a mom would, I worry. She knows that pain isn't to do with her right? She knows she makes me so happy and proud, right? 

I have a strong believe that babies join us from heaven. I strongly believe she knows my mommy, my grandma, my papaw as well as I do. And when she stares into my eyes I can't help but believe my mommy asked her to. Asked her to love me like I love my momma. I really do believe our babies are our greatest connection to God and our loved ones that have passed.

I'm going to try to not worry and just soak up these gazes, snuggles, and moments. ❤️

This Work

Let's be honest; leaving Annabeth every morning is so much harder than I ever dreamed it would be. My mind races each morning- what if she needs me? What if I miss a milestone? What if she's fussy all day for the nanny? What if she knows I leave her and she hates me for it? There's a spectrum of understandable worry to the truly irrational, of course.

But the hardest (actually I hate choosing absolutes)- one of the hardest things about leaving is arriving to work with babies and their mommas. Sick babies, and their mommas.

My passion has long been moms and babies- their bond, their love, their relationship. I've been blessed in my education and in my career to have worked with moms and babies extensively. I've sat with moms through the tears, laughs, and aches of motherhood. I've held, fed, changed baby after baby- and have even seen many travel and arrive earth side! I've held hands with families rejoicing in milestones met, goals achieved, and birthdays celebrated. 

But; I have also hugged weeping mothers, steadied broken hearted dads, and have said goodbye to fresh infants. I have held the hands of mothers grieving their child's illness, and their child. I've answered those impossible questions- "is he suffering?" "What do I do now?" "How do I leave without her?". I have sat in silence, watching husband and wife- mom and dad- say goodbye to life they created. 

It is a blessing. A privledge that families have allowed me into their most intimate relationships- have welcomed me into their best and their worst days- as well as all of those days in between. This work is an honor and I do not take that lightly.

Being a mother is impossibly hard. And let's be real- I honestly have no idea what I'm doing most hours of the day. But one thing I hope to teach sweet Annabeth is that people- all people- are the most valuable resource we have. I hope that I can teach her the importance of fighting for relationships, advocating for those in need, and holding the hand of those in grief. Again- I have no idea what I'm doing. These are just my hopes. 

All this being said- I have serious work to do in finding balance between my baby and my job. But I know that balance can exist, and I know that the work I do will help my daughter in so many ways. My job isn't special nor am I- but I sincerely hope that it is what it is for a purpose greater than me. 

Breastfeeding... Ouch

I did not try to breastfeed in the beginning, I decided to breastfeed. I armed myself with tricks to increase supply, studied positioning, and ignorantly believed my instincts, and hers, would suffice. Wrong. Breastfeeding has been the most challenging experience, from the first days of her not latching. 

We have survived poor latch, mastitis, thrush (ouchhh), tongue and lip ties, fast let down, over supply, shallow latch, and cracked so super sore nipples.  And after so much effort ($ too) we are at about 75% pain free nursing and I could cry! Happy cry not pain cry! 

I've dreaded every feed, felt nauseous and nearly black out when she would latch. What a joy to sit in the quiet and feed my babe. Pain free. Peace.

This- this is why I love breastfeeding. When you see me feed my perfect baby girl you know nothing of the pain and fight we've both experienced to get here. I had hoped that negativity towards breastfeeding was gone- but it's not- and all I can think is that maybe if they knew how hard we've had to fight in order to give my baby her nourishment, maybe then they'll respect this womanly art. And maybe they won't. I don't know but I hope. 

So please, if you don't like watching moms breastfeed, don't look. If you look, look lovingly because I promise she's a nervous wreck because of the negative messages we get about feeding our babies- though I do hope this nervousness dissipates! 

Every Momma Needs a Support Group

My baby girl is asleep in my arms, and as I stare at her I can't help but reflect on the momma support group I went to today- breastfeeding group actually. It was the first time I heard women use and express words that describe precisely as I feel. It was the first time a weight began to lift from my shoulders- a guilt and a list of fears slowly lifting from me. 

I've really struggled with trying to understand why this- motherhood- is so hard. I used to be a doula, I'm an infant mental health specialist, I've been around babies and have provided parenting coaching for years. I have so much knowledge about breastfeeding, infants, and parenting- but know absolutely nothing about mothering my daughter. I know absolutely nothing about the millions of feelings, emotions, and thoughts I'm wrestling with. 

It felt validating to know that I'm not a horrible mother because of the sadness and loneliness I battle while nursing my little one for the umpteenth time. Im not evil for feeling "stuck" when she can't go longer than 2 hours between feeds. And I'm not setting her up for feeling unloved when she sees me crying when I feel more isolated than ever before. 

I love this baby girl more than I can put into words, but the emotions and roller coaster of feelings has been very overwhelming. As a mother, my thoughts are completely on her 24-7 and that has been debilitating at times. I am so grateful for the women that shared today and those that gave encouragement. I know baby girl and I will be just fine, and that we will find our own rhythm very soon. 

One thing is for sure- I miss my mom, so so much. I know she'd be such a help. I also know she's with me all the time within me and my girl. I couldn't be more grateful for my hubby and my family, as well. Motherhood takes a village and I'm just trying to find mine! ❤️

The Fears

I've never experienced true anxiety, that is until I say a "plus" sign on a pregnancy test, and I quickly became terrified of everything I felt and experienced, worried my greatest gift could be taken from me.

Since feeling bambino move, a lot of my anxieties have dissipated. When i worry I haven't felt a kick or a flutter in awhile, another one happens and I'm reminded of the miracle growing within.

Despite the anxieties, the illness, the exhaustion, and the ailments- I can't imagine a more magical experience in life.  I look at myself in the mirror and am a bit terrified- but when I think of the little person I will meet in just 12ish weeks I'm awestruck once again. I'm so grateful God has chosen me to mother a child. And I'm so so blessed. 

Pregnant Daughters Need their Mothers

Dear mom,

I have so many questions. I need your help to become a momma, a momma as good as you. I need your help to keep me sane, calm, and assured. I crave your reassurance, your approval, your confidence in me.

Did you worry when I was in your belly? Did every hour come with a fleeting fear of my well being? Did you feel sick for weeks while I depended on you to nourish me? Did you throw up so hard you burst a vessel in your eye? Because I did... And it scared me. You would have known how to reassure me.

When did you feel me kick inside you? Did you worry as you awaited those initial confirmations of my "okayness"? Did you smile and become elated at the thought of me doing gymnastics? Did you pee 100 times a day, and at least 82 times a night? 

How did you convince my dad to be empathetic? To meet your needs as you fought to keep me safe, not to mention my sister alive and your grades up. How did you handle those moments when the world/your job/your husband needs more from you than you could physically give? How did you navigate a marriage in the midst of a monumental life change? I'm doing my best, I promise, but I need your guidance...

Did your changing body make you fearful, or empowered? I know your boobs must have become ginormous because mine are terrifying. Was it easy for you to witness the lines and cellulite appear in trade for the life you were creating? How did you accept the change in your womanhood? 

What did you dream? What were your nightmares? What were YOUR questions? What were your fears, momma, because I have too many to count...

Regrets and Reflections - birthday #2

2 nights. 2 nights where my dad was out of town traveling and my mom stayed in the hospital alone. I didn't stay with her overnight. I visited during the day, after work/class/teaching but then returned to my warm cozy bed at night. I know she would have been mad had I stayed, but would she have also felt safer? More protected? More relaxed and less afraid? 

Countless naps in her hospital room, and I wonder if I didn't try hard enough to boost her energy, her mind. I wonder if I could have brought more positivity in that room and a little less of my then over burdened heart. Did I show her she was a priority? Did I show her she was my world? 

Maybe 3 or 4 days where I simply could not visit her in the hospital. 2 from illness, 1 or 2 (I struggle to remember) because my exhaustion clouded my empathy. Did I make her feel unimportant? When I feel tired in my life now, I nap away the pain it brings me. The guilt I carry for the exhaustion I felt while being my mothers caregiver seems to be never ending. I wish sleep cured the guilt, as well.

Her pain was unbearable to witness, but her fear of what she would miss was worse. My crystal clear memories of her eye pain, her mouth sores, her itchy peeling skin, and her general discomfort haunt me. Her muscle weakness and her inability to control her bowels. Her sense of shame crushed my little girl heart. Did I do enough to show her that her fight was beyond brave? Did I do enough to show her that her pain and eagerness to fight was inspiring and beautiful? 

My mother was ready to talk about her life ending well before we were. And I feel we robbed her of "memory making" with each of us. Why wouldn't I tell her the wedding dress style I wanted? My dream wedding venue? Cake or colors? Why didn't I ask what I should name my little ones? Why did our unwillingness to let her go prevent her from going with peace in her heart? Or did it? 

When I think of how I was as a caregiver [poor], I worry if I will also be this way as a mother. Will I silently pray for naps to come and play time to end? Will I wish away their little lives so that I can get a break from the exhaustion? Will I chose my own comfort over theirs? Will I neglect them, alone at night, so that I can be cozy? 

My one, and only, grace is that I did have my mother, while for way too short a time, I had her to guide, demonstrate, and teach me what compassion and love look like. I pray that God, the true grace, will never let her memories and lessons weaken. And I thank him for her life, and for giving me a family and a husband to walk through these deep valleys with. 

I love you mommy. Happy 48th birthday- on Friday. 

Better If You Were Here

I lost my mother 20 months ago. And while the world and even family and friends largely expect me to be "healed" of my pain and grief, not a day, hour, event goes by where I don't think "wow, this is fun- but not as fun as it could or should Be". I know I am not the only one who has lost a mother, or parent, child, friend, or more- and I know my pain does not trump another's, but my pain is daunting and exhausting. Like I imagine yours may be, too.

My mother knew exactly what to say at any given moment. Feeling fat? She could encourage you to love yourself while encouraging you to be the best you. Huge zit? She could help you laugh off how much it stands out because really- it's not important. Hate your job? She'd let you vent and would remind you of how lucky your employer is.

These little moments are what I miss the most. There are dozens of moments each day that I want to hear her voice, her guidance, her wisdom. My mom was so young- but had lived so many lives. She knew a little bit of everything, and could and did answer all of my questions- which was a lot. She actually used to mock my siblings and I for how many questions we asked her! We assumed she knew everything so why not ask!

I also find myself missing how much she held so many people together. The dad I had with my mom is no longer here, nor myself nor my siblings. While that's not a "bad" thing necessarily, I just miss who we all were when she was here. Softer, gentler, joyful people we often were.

I miss family. I prided myself and identified my family as one of my biggest strengths in college entrance essays and job interviews. I now feel like a child from a broken home, because mine now is. Again, this is no ones fault and not necessarily "bad" just really sad and hard to accept. My siblings and I will likely be celebrating our last true family Christmas with our dad this year, and by last I only mean the last time with our fun silly Polen traditions. Everyone grows up and families change, but mine had to change too soon. Our family vacations may(?) still exist but they exist differently and less excitedly. Again, not bad, but different.

I believe all adults experience pain with their shift from nuclear family to their own family, but when that shift is forced upon them, it's challenging. My clinical mind analyzes this all the time while my heart just aches.

What's even more disheartening is that my mom would know exactly how to walk each of us through this experience and process. She'd guide my dad through how to embark on his new adventure with a new family while also keeping our family close. She'd help my sister navigate decisions she has been faced with regarding her job and life. She'd help my brother by talking through his college plans and dreams. She'd guide me through my marriage and hopeful mommy hood. She would know how to help us navigate our individual lives in the midst of our communal pain. But she is the one that's gone.

What I hold onto is that I know she spent enough time with me to teach me so many things, and I need to hold onto that as I face decisions and trials. I hope my siblings and dad do that, too.

A Married Woman

Well it is official (and I am late).  We were married on the COLDEST day October 4th has ever seen, a day with snow and hail, gray skies, and of course, a very happy new couple.  We were supposed to be married outside, but were instead married in a very romantic indoor ceremony that could not have been more perfect.  We felt surrounded by love and could not have dreamed of a better "party" to celebrate our love for one another. 

Here are some of my FAVORITE moments from the "Best Day Ever"

1. jumping on the bed with your favorite ladies is a MUST on your wedding day! I feel so blessed that the "getting ready" part of the day was honestly stress free! I was nervous and couldn't eat much, but we certainly weren't running around doing anything and I wasn't worried about things not getting done.  It helped to have the best wedding planner (Cynthia @ Bosc and Brie!) and great friends who oversaw some things for us at the venue.


2. riding the trolley to the venue was seriously a blast! I was getting nervous (not about marrying my man, but silly me was so stressed about wanting my guests to LOVE my wedding and I was stressing about it being perfect for OTHERS) and this great trolley (Columbus Trolley) had some mood lighting and jammed out some jams for us! It was the best, basically. (mood lighting not pictured...)

 

 

 3. Walking down the aisle with my dad was basically the best thing that could have happened, and at precisely the right time.  I was, again, nervous about all the people who would be looking at me and judging me (I'm not skinny enough, my dress isn't pretty enough, etc etc stupid girl worries) and my dad gave the best advice "when we turn the corner, you don't look at anyone in that room.  You find christopher, lock your eyes on him, and never move them".  Wow! I listened like the straight A student that I am, and it was the best decision I made! 

4. Seeing my groom was such a thrill.  I had missed him all day and was so excited to be standing by him.  Our ceremony was seriously the most romantic thing ever.  We wrote our own vows (please please do this) and it was an incredible thing to hear the man I love tell me how he loves me.  The other best part of the ceremony was my dear friend Katie singing such an important song to me.  It is the song I sang to my mother while she was on Hospice in our family home, over and over and over again.  And a song that continues to help me see that God is Love, and from Him comes all Love.  I loved singing it to my groom, and honestly during these few minutes I forgot the hundreds of people watching us.  

5. The dances were SO fun! I loved rocking out with my dad, and snuggling close to my man friend.  I loved gettin' down with my girls, and twirling my favorite little boys.  The dance floor was certainly where to be.

 

Basically it was just fantastic.  Hope everyone loved our wedding as much as we did!!

10 Things to Never say to a Bride-to-Be

In the midst of this wedding planning season of my life, I have learned so so much about wedding etiquette, planning etiquette, and how to and how not to be a supportive person for a Bride.  At times I think about the friends who are already married, and worry that I may have said some of the following things to them (SORRY!), as I think most of us do not think of these things and how it affects the person you are speaking it to.  That being said, I hope you find this list helpful when speaking to your friend, sister, daughter, daughter-in-law, etc who is preparing for their BIG day!.

1. "Weddings are not important anyway"
- Um, what? YOU may not find having a wedding important, but weddings are, by nature, important.  Not only is it a holy sacrament with historical and religious importance, but it marks the first day of a marriage that is meant for eternity.  It symbolizes a forever bond, love, and commitment.  There is nothing quite like a wedding, in that it consists of two imperfect people declaring an unconditional love and acceptance of one another for life.  They are certainly important.

2. "OMG I would NEVER do that/Spend that/choose that"
- Good for you, but this is not about you.  It is not your place to judge the bride's choices and taste.  If a bride and her groom want to spend $50k on their wedding, why does that matter to you? It in no way means you should spend that too, but you do not have the right to judge. And the invitations they pick are PERFECT for them, no one cares if you would choose them. Same with colors, bridesmaids dresses, ceremony readings, etc.  This wedding is not about you, but is about the Bride and Groom.  And while I agree that the money spent and decorative details at the wedding do not dictate the success of the marriage, it is important that the Bride and Groom celebrate their love and union in the way that is important to them.

3. "Well that is not the traditional way"
- This one I love. Well I hate it. But I love how much I hate it.  Each bride is different, each groom is different, and while weddings are certainly a tradition, the trend now (and what I found most beautiful about weddings) is to personalize the day and experience to symbolize each individual joining in this marriage.  Whether it be the processional order, the table arrangements, the veil, the music, or the invites; let the Bride and Groom choose what speaks to them most and stop telling them that their choices are not traditional, because n
o one cares.

4. "How are you planning to lose weight"
- I have gotten this from family, work clients, and strangers.  Since when does having a wedding mean I need to change every single thing about myself? (note: some encouraged plastic surgery).  While I have absolutely been trying to lose a few pounds, and have incorporated strength and cardio training into my life, it is so inappropriate that people assume that I am trying to get "skinny" just for my wedding.  Does no one care about healthy anymore?  It bothers me that people find that a more important to ask than how I am emotionally preparing for my marriage (I have never been asked that).  When brides in your life are trying to lose weight, absolutely encourage them, but make sure that they know that they will be radiating and beautiful regardless of their size because of the joy and happiness of the love they share. 

5. "Do I have to help with that?"

but seriously

- This is such a common issue I have heard from other brides.  So many assume that much of the wedding simply takes care of itself, while in reality weddings come together with lots and lots of work.  And while some people are extremely generous and offer to help with every detail, there are others who frequently ask if they are "required" to help or if they really need to help with X or Y detail.  How is a bride to respond?  I usually say NO, as I am not going to shove my wedding down anyone's throat, not to mention if people don't want to help, it is no fun making them do it.  So my advice? If a bride asks for help, help her.  If she doesn't, no need to check in on her need for your help unless you are genuinely offering.

6. "Why are you doing that/it that way/not that?"
- This is in line with the fact that it is none of your business, bitches.  Weddings are such a beautiful opportunity to have a personal representation of the Bride and Groom, and they owe no one a justification for their decisions regarding their day. 

7. "Please don't do THAT at your wedding! I HATE that..."
- This cracks me up.  Because not only are you telling a Bride that you don't like a certain tradition or event at a wedding, you are requesting that the Bride omit it from HER day to please you.  Think about it... for us, we are going to have about 200 people at our wedding... if I took requests from each, could you imagine the nightmare? Not mention, can we all just agree to recognize that the wedding is not about anyone but the bride, groom, and respective families.

8. "Have you started you teeth whitening regimen?"
- This favorite of mine came from theknot.com emails back when we had about 9 months until our wedding.  How silly of the knot to think that I was able to even begin to think about small details like that so far in advance! You would be shocked at what others have said to me in regards to the beauty prep process for my wedding.  People have asked if I'm sticking with my blonde hair, if I am going to get botox (see #4), and if I am going to get everything waxed for the day of. Why is it people's business? And why can people just not ask open ended questions... "what are you doing with your hair?" "do you have a beauty prep schedule?" just for example.

lol

9. "You are just wasting so much money"
- Well, to be honest, we are spending so much money, but why does that mean we are wasting it? Like #1 and #2, each person is going to do things a little different, from small weddings to huge weddings, everything differs.  BUT
please stop assuming that the money we and other couples spend on their wedding AND honeymoon is a waste.  I cannot wait to be old and gray with my man and think back to what will likely be our only extravagant vacation before kids.  What a special and once in a lifetime experience this wedding and honeymoon will be for us!  When talking to your friends, be empathetic by acknowledging the financial burden of weddings, but be encouraging and non judgmental by letting them know they can make the best decisions for themselves.

10. Avoiding the wedding..
- Best for Last. SO many people want to talk about our wedding with us, but there are others that hurry off the phone at the mention of it, or glaze over when we mention it.  And even more who simply have fallen off the face of the earth since we got engaged.  And while we try really hard to make most of our conversations with others NOT wedding related, every single day we are making decisions and discussing our wedding, making it hard to never mention it.  If you are not a wedding person,  or for some reason cannot join in the excitement with the happy couple, just play pretend for a few moments.  It is most likely a you issue and not the couple's issue.  That being said if the couple is obnoxious about their wedding...TELL THEM. I hope my friends would do that for me.

What things have been said to you as a bride-to-be?

Elitist?

I am a Columbus Bride, about 100 days from our wedding, and in the thick of the final detail preparations.  In the last week we have finalized items for our cake, ordered invitations, purchased bridal party gifts, and more.  It seems that as our to-do list dwindles, so do our bank accounts...

In my line of work, I encounter individuals living well below the poverty level on a daily basis.  I was spending time with one woman who mentioned that she and her now-husband were married recently and spent about $500 on their wedding.  While that is a large chunk of change for this family (and me..) I was flabergasted- mostly because while I feel we are cutting corners everywhere in regards to our wedding planning, everything is THOUSANDS, not just a few bucks here and there. 

Now obviously the events are not comparable, but it did get me thinking about how the wedding industry is meant only for the elite.  The upper middle class, and frankly not even that. 

Just to give you an idea of average costs here

In meeting with vendors, I can't tell you how many times I was told that people would not meet with me because my budget was too low, or would tell me that they cannot do what I want because of my "limited" budget.  Mind you, we are spending a small fortune on this day and have been prepared to do so all along...so their version of a limited budget does not even begin to align with my idea of a limited budget.

I guess what I am pondering, is why this is.  Weddings are now an entire industry, billions of dollars are poured into the industry every year.  And while I am certainly a contributor to that, I worry about the message we are sending to people when the cost of these items are so high.  I'm not sure what that means, to have the majority of the country to not have access to having a wedding, in any sense of the word.

 I am just not sure if that sits right with me... mostly because I am so excited about my wedding and how it will all come together, but I also feel so conflicted about perpetuating a cycle of pushing down the poor to be poor and building up the rich to be rich, so to speak.  And I worry that if people like me are continuing to be willing to pay these unreasonable prices, then they will continue to rise, continuing to separate who can and cannot have this experience.

Father's Day- The Late Edition

I am so grateful for so many things about my father, and I was lucky enough to actually see him on Father's
Day this year, as well.  We spent the weekend at the lake enjoying the Mastercraft, the Sunshine, and each others company.

Recently, my sister and I were talking about how different things are now that we are older and will continue having our own individual responsibilities, lives, and families.  At the same time, I feel so lucky to have such an amazing family that enjoys spending time together.  I think this is more unique than I have realized.  And it is my mom and my dad who have created a family that enjoys each other, it is all owed to them.

Here are some of the unique ways my dad has built a loving, close family:

- Family vacations and time away from "life" with the five of us was always so important to my dad.  If you know him, you know that he works the most insane hours and has the most stressful of jobs.  That being said, I cannot even remember a year where we didn't have some sort of a family vacation to spend time together.  These vacations have always been so precious to
us all, and it is something I still look forward to every year.  I am so grateful that he took the time, away from work, and the money, away from other things, to prioritize our family.

- My dad's job has moved us several times, and obviously to a great and unique experience in Argentina.  Not only am I grateful that he was presented with the opportunity to move there, but I am so grateful that my parents were brave enough to move our entire family (including teenage daughters and my toddler of a brother).  We really didn't even know where Argentina was (I remember us looking at it on the globe when my parent's told us we were moving there).  I cannot imagine how scary that was as parents, and how much pressure my dad had to have felt to move us there.  He wanted it to be a positive experience for us, and worked hard at making it one.  And it honestly was the best decision- we all have such incredible memories of living there and it was truly such a gift.  Hard to believe we moved back to the US 10 years ago this month.

- At work I spend a lot of time helping new moms understand that your children learn by what you do, not by what you say (it's true yall).  I cannot imagine working as hard as my dad does, but I have been able to see how his hard work has contributed to my family being blessed with such amazing experiences.  I have seen how by just working harder, and doing more, you can change the course of your life.  A work ethic is not something you can teach, and there are certainly individuals that are comfortable where they are, and have no desire for more.  But his incessant desire to better himself and work harder for our family has inspired me in more ways than I could ever explain.  His desire for us to have more than he, and experience more than he, has showcased such a sacrificial love and giving attitude that I can only hope to mimic when I have children.  I am so grateful that I have parents who never let me settle, and always encouraged me to dream bigger.

- The thing that I feel is most unique about my father, is how selflessly and beautifully he loved my mother.  It is now so rare to see marriages centered around a love for each other, and I cannot express how much this reality has shaped my life.  My parents were married when they were both so young, and became parents when even younger.  When my dad talked about their wedding day to us last year when looking at their wedding pictures, he confessed that he had absolutely no idea what would become of them that day.  He feared the worst but hoped for the best.  He talked about his love for my mom, and how much she changed his heart, and his life, and how much she truly was his world.  As a kid I remember having friends' whose parents faught incessantly, or who were even divorced, and feeling scared that it would happen to my parents.  At the same time I felt constantly reassured by their relationship because of how they interacted with one another, and the respect that existed between the two of them.

Nothing showed his love for my mom as much as the way he cared for her during her illness, up to her last hours.  When we had moved her to hospice, and she was ill in our home, we created a make-shift bedroom for her in our living room.  We left the love-seat in the room to allow people to sit and visit with her.  My dad "slept" on that loveseat, despite my mom's attempts to get him back into his bed.  One (maybe two?) nights he slept on the couch across the hall simply because she was very annoyed by his snoring, but he refused to be too far from her.  He spent countless nights in the hospital with her, learned everything there is to know about caring for her IV, her medicines, her illness.  He risked his job in many ways by taking time to accompany her to important appointments, and to be present during difficult procedures.  He never gave up hope, and was willing to do anything and everything to save her life.  Not only did he care for my mother physically, but it was beautiful to hear my mom speak about their nights in the hospital together, time where they could talk uninterrupted.  It was such a painful process for all of us, but if I can take anything from that, it was how beautifully my father treated my mother. 


They say that daddy's teach their daughter about who men are and should be.  I feel lucky to have found a man in my life that has some of the strengths I admire so much in my father.  If anything, I have been able to have strict standards, knowing that there are a few of those good guys out there, somewhere.  I feel lucky to have found one.

On a last note, to show you how much my mom loved my dad, one of her friends who was treated poorly by her husband and later divorced, was told by my mom that she needs a "Vic".  I hope she finds one...

It's The...

Sights
The rainbows you send, the sunsets you help paint, the clothes you wore
Sounds
The voices that mimic yours, the memories that are on replay in my mind, the songs you loved, the truth you spoke
Smells
Onion breath, the lake water, your home, your "flower" perfume, the foods you made
Wisdom
The lessons you taught, the kindness you instilled, the encouragement you gave, the courage you built

They were right- you never will "leave" me- I just have to pay closer attention to see and hear you. Your continued presence offers the extra, much needed, comfort to get through to the next day-week-month-year without your arms embracing me. Those hugs, those words, the comfort of your smell -- no words explain my hearts yearning for these. It is but God that must teach me how to carry you with me each day.

I carry your heart
I carry it in my heart

Thank You Momma

It has been a year since my mom died.  An entire year.  And in that year I graduated with my master's degree, I moved to Columbus, I got a job, I got engaged, my brother started dating a senior,  scored a 29 on his ACT (!), Brittany continued to excel in her career, she travels like a boss, my dad has worked his ass off, and continues to try and provide stability and normalcy for us all. We all have struggled to keep our heads up and move about our days/weeks/months.  We survived the first year of holidays, birthdays, and life celebrations.  We didn't do it willingly but we made it. A year.

As a mental health provider I find myself questioning where I am at in the grief process all of the time.  The truth is that I have no clue where I am at in the process because I feel it ALL. Grief=sad, mad, scared, feeling guilty, and sad, and depressed, hopeless, and repeat.  Nothing makes sense and nothing feels hopeful.  Something that has held onto me stronger than I expected is how guilty I feel daily.  Why didn't I say X? Why was I so rude when I was 15? Why didn't I ask her more questions? Why was I so freaking tired and why did I spend time sleeping instead of soaking up her love? Why didn't I apologize more? Why wasn't I more selfless? Why did I deserve her love?

The guilt is consuming.  I don't think I am unique in feeling this way, either.  It is the by-product of simply not having enough time with her.  It is so super common for adult children to apologize to their parents once they are parents themselves.  I didn't get that chance.  It is so super common for adult children to fully understand their parents love once they are older and wiser.  I didn't get the chance to become wiser.  I feel robbed.  And mostly, what is so difficult, is to know that truly, everyone who knew her was robbed.

I also feel the need to grieve for my mom.  Grieve what she is missing, on her behalf since she would have done anything (AND DID EVERYTHING) to stay with us just a little bit longer.  While on hospice she was dreaming aloud one day and whispered that she had to get better for us.  I have no idea what she was dreaming but I imagine she was arguing with God about his [stupid] decision to take her from us.  She wanted to be here.  She NEVER prioritized her feelings over our need (which was also hard).  She is missing out on so much.  And we don't quite know how to navigate the "so much" without her guidance.

In my line of work, and in life in general, I come across really bad moms a lot.  Moms  who prioritze their looks, feelings, livlihood over their kids.  Who eat the last bite when the kids are starving, who social media rather than talk to their kids, who would rather vacation alone than with their family, who scream hate towards their struggling kiddos rather than love them.  There are moms who encourage their kids to hate themselves, who preach they are ugly, and who preach low self worth.  There are moms who are truly evil and wish horror onto their kids and love the attention they get when their kids are sick (seriously, it happens).  I'm telling you-there are really bad moms. 

And then there are just "ok" moms. The ones who whine on social media every day about their kids.  Who whine about their toddlers and whine about their 20 year olds.  There are the moms that scream and hit their kids, and the moms that just don't care about their kids feelings.  And even the decent moms, but they just don't do everything in their power to be a GREAT mom.

My mom was none of those things. She did everything for us and wanted the world for us, and fought to get us the world.  She grew up with us and helped us navigate every decision and turn we came upon.  And mostly, she never put herself first, it was always about us.  At times I feel so guilty about this, but I also understand that her greatest joy was to love others.

My mom would have loved being the mother of the bride (and groom!) while there are other women who complain about this, or who don't take the time to help their kids in this stage of life.  My mom would have been thrilled to have grandkids and would have helped out more than I could've ask for, and other grandma's complain about their grandkids and detest spending time with them.  People seriously take it for granted that they GET to have these experiences, they are blessed to be here to see their children grow up.  Not all moms get to do that.

And before you think I am mom-bashing, I am not.  If you are lucky enough to still have your mom, 50 or 99, stop complaining about how bad she is at being a mom and take her for what she is. Learn from her, ask questions, and mostly, THANK HER. If you are a bad mom (no hate) try to think about what your priorities are. What legacy are you leaving behind?

And if you thought I was the only one who sees my mom through such rosy glasses read these words from my dad, clearly she impacted us all in this way.

"She loved you guys so much and dedicated her entire life to help you become the women that you are.  The way to continue to Honor her is to keep her in your memory and to have pride in who you are.  That is what she always wanted and of course to be Happy.
She taught me more than any book could have on how to live and love.  Her ability to have humor and Choose to be Happy combined with her incredibly deep love for all if us;  allowed her to fight to the last minutes."

THE dress

From the time you are a little girl to the time you are all grown up, women wear hundreds (thousands?) of dresses.  That being said, there is ONE dress that simply outdoes them all..

your WEDDING DRESS of course!

Back in January I started my hunt.  I went a handful of places in the Dublin Ohio area, and each boutique/store had its pros and cons.  As a bride who has never tried on a wedding gown before, I was so unsure of what to expect and simply had no idea what I was getting myself into.  When we went the first time I specifically remember a consultant explaining the layout of the store and remember my eyes getting wider and wider.  My sister offered a needed "calm down" comment and I was able to regroup and dive in. 

Wendy's
Do you want to go somewhere with a humongous selection of popular, decently priced designers? Ok, so go to Wendy's.  Do you want to go somewhere you may end up with an evil older woman named "Sue" who will ridicule you and be obnoxious the whole time? Ok, so go to Wendy's.  I decided to go to Wendy's because in my search of salons, they by far offered the largest range of designers.  I appreciated that I could try on a gazillion styles and designers at one place. And I got to, sort of.

We walked through and pulled dresses, but Sue, my consultant, would frequently tell me that the dresses I pulled were not right for me.  That being said I definitely fell in love with a dress here.  It was hard though because the majority of dresses I tried on here, I loved.  It was overwhelming as there were way too many brides trying on at that time, and I had a consultant who cared more about figuring out why my mom wasn't there (yeah, not delicate at all to the immense sense of emptiness that not having my mom there left me with) and with figuring out if I was a "trier or a buyer".  Well, pretty sure you have to try before you buy lady.  Oh and she also may have attempted to assault my sister had she taken a picture.

Alfred Angelo
Seriously the only thing that comes to mind when I think of this store is the Disney Princess line.  And that may be something you're into, but oh hell no.  I may have loved snow white, little mermaid and belle as a child but I don't need a wedding dress inspired by them.

The nice thing about Alfred Angelo? Though it is a large chain like David's (we'll get there) their quality of material and style options were much better.  They have great bridesmaids and mother dresses too.

Ivy Bridal
Are you looking for a dark, quiet, expensive, unique bridal experience? This one is for YOU!  My sister loved the dresses here, I did not.  Well that may be too harsh.  I thought some were absolutely beautiful.  Their prices were intense and they are definitely kind of snooty when it comes to their designers.  They pride themselves on the rare designers they carry.  Which is cool, but I am just not hipster enough I guess. 

Oh and also, if you are larger than a size 4 good luck getting into their dresses.  I unfortunately am larger than a size 4 right now and some of the dresses just would not go on even enough to get the full picture.  Most of the other stores had a range of sizes or at least a size 8 to accommodate some of us gals with large gals, if you get what I'm saying. 

David's Bridal
Seriously intense.  My Sister and I went here with my Aunt and Grandma and it was a madhouse! It was hard to stay positive and in the bridal mode when there was so much going on in every direction I looked.  I was hoping to find a certain style to try on for comparison sake and they didn't have anything similar, which is fine, but all of the consultants just bombarded me telling me they would definitely find me a dress, forcing me to try on things that i hated.... it was just intense.

That being said, they have TONS of bridesmaids dresses.  They are in every states (and when your bridesmaids live in separate states that is a bonus) and very affordable.  I get very hung up on the fabric and though the bridal gowns I tried on had awful fabric quality, the bridesmaids dresses are comparable to everything else I have seen (though much more affordable). 

Also be aware that David's Bridal will sell your info to a lot of people so you will get phone calls, emails, and more from third party vendors.  David's still calls me asking me if I want to come back in for an appointment...so just be aware.

Elegant Bride
Finally! My most favorite! Well only because this is where I bought my dress :)  After being in places that have so many appointments at once and are so crowded and busy, it was refreshing to walk in and have three women all talking to me and getting a feel for my wedding, my style, and my taste.  They walked me through the store and showed me everything that they thought I would like (and more) and I got to try anything I wanted on (regardless of if they "thought" it would work for me or not).  It was literally the best experience and I loved it.

As soon as I said Yes to the Dress, though, I will admit to feeling an immediate sense of remorse.  Why? Because there are thousands of dresses out there.  What if there is one that I love even more?  That being said, I dream about this dress, think about it all of the time, and it made me feel like a bride...not just pretty, but a bride. 

What was your bridal shopping experience like? Where did you go? 

Zero Dark Thirty

A couple weeks ago, Christopher and I watched the film Zero Dark Thirty. He had recorded it onto the DVR and we watched it one evening before he left for a business trip.  Though I read the description of the film I seriously had NO idea what I was getting in for.

The movie portrays the time between 9-11 and the killing of Osama Bin Laden (yeah, not a light topic for the day).  It shows the work of CIA operatives who were interrogating known accomplices of Bin Laden-- in pre no-torture days at that.  The opening scenes are some of the most repulsive scenes I have ever allowed myself to watch.  I felt nauseous, dizzy, and conflicted.

These operatives were doing their job, and doing it well.  They were in places such as Pakistan where they were hated on, threatened, shot at, and bombed in order to discover information that would lead to the eventual take down of Bin Laden.  That is medal-worthy work, people.  And thank GOD for the men and women (holla at you, kick ass girl in the movie)

But at the same time, their work was degraded, in-humane, and down right disgusting.  They were hitting, kicking, starving, depriving, water boarding and everything in between.  On top of that, they used tactics such as shaming, nudity, using dog collars and more to embarrras and strip away every last ounce of humanness from these individuals. 

Now, keep in mind, the individuals being tortured were likely terrorists. And I say likely because most of the people they are seen interrogating (torturing rather) were not necessarily terrorists but had been seen with a terrorist at one point or another.  A serious case of in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I was left with a deep sense of WHY? Why do we respond to hate (terrorism) with more hate (torture)? Why do we respond to cries for help (from those being tortured) with silence (or more pain infliction).  Why does it seem natural to inflict such pain, shame, and torture on any human being regardless of their crime?

Now I preface my reactions with the fact that I am not an eye for an eye type of person.  I believe in redemption and rehabilitation.  Would terrorists choose terrorism if they had other choices? I like to believe that they would NOT.  And I can appreciate that for the families who lost loved ones in any of the Al Queda terrorist attacks that it feels good knowing the men to blame were tortured, injured, shamed, and caused pain.  But I beg you to consider WHY that makes you feel better. Not because I judge you, not because it is wrong, but is that actually how you feel, and questioning your beliefs is never a bad thing.

Something that also struck me was that the movie critically proclaimed the "no-torture" rulings that Obama put in place.  It was so interesting for me (So so pro no-torture) to see this from the point of view of the people who had been doing the torturing. 

Lastly I will leave you with a link to an article about the movie that is much more eloquent than mine!