Elitist?

I am a Columbus Bride, about 100 days from our wedding, and in the thick of the final detail preparations.  In the last week we have finalized items for our cake, ordered invitations, purchased bridal party gifts, and more.  It seems that as our to-do list dwindles, so do our bank accounts...

In my line of work, I encounter individuals living well below the poverty level on a daily basis.  I was spending time with one woman who mentioned that she and her now-husband were married recently and spent about $500 on their wedding.  While that is a large chunk of change for this family (and me..) I was flabergasted- mostly because while I feel we are cutting corners everywhere in regards to our wedding planning, everything is THOUSANDS, not just a few bucks here and there. 

Now obviously the events are not comparable, but it did get me thinking about how the wedding industry is meant only for the elite.  The upper middle class, and frankly not even that. 

Just to give you an idea of average costs here

In meeting with vendors, I can't tell you how many times I was told that people would not meet with me because my budget was too low, or would tell me that they cannot do what I want because of my "limited" budget.  Mind you, we are spending a small fortune on this day and have been prepared to do so all along...so their version of a limited budget does not even begin to align with my idea of a limited budget.

I guess what I am pondering, is why this is.  Weddings are now an entire industry, billions of dollars are poured into the industry every year.  And while I am certainly a contributor to that, I worry about the message we are sending to people when the cost of these items are so high.  I'm not sure what that means, to have the majority of the country to not have access to having a wedding, in any sense of the word.

 I am just not sure if that sits right with me... mostly because I am so excited about my wedding and how it will all come together, but I also feel so conflicted about perpetuating a cycle of pushing down the poor to be poor and building up the rich to be rich, so to speak.  And I worry that if people like me are continuing to be willing to pay these unreasonable prices, then they will continue to rise, continuing to separate who can and cannot have this experience.

Father's Day- The Late Edition

I am so grateful for so many things about my father, and I was lucky enough to actually see him on Father's
Day this year, as well.  We spent the weekend at the lake enjoying the Mastercraft, the Sunshine, and each others company.

Recently, my sister and I were talking about how different things are now that we are older and will continue having our own individual responsibilities, lives, and families.  At the same time, I feel so lucky to have such an amazing family that enjoys spending time together.  I think this is more unique than I have realized.  And it is my mom and my dad who have created a family that enjoys each other, it is all owed to them.

Here are some of the unique ways my dad has built a loving, close family:

- Family vacations and time away from "life" with the five of us was always so important to my dad.  If you know him, you know that he works the most insane hours and has the most stressful of jobs.  That being said, I cannot even remember a year where we didn't have some sort of a family vacation to spend time together.  These vacations have always been so precious to
us all, and it is something I still look forward to every year.  I am so grateful that he took the time, away from work, and the money, away from other things, to prioritize our family.

- My dad's job has moved us several times, and obviously to a great and unique experience in Argentina.  Not only am I grateful that he was presented with the opportunity to move there, but I am so grateful that my parents were brave enough to move our entire family (including teenage daughters and my toddler of a brother).  We really didn't even know where Argentina was (I remember us looking at it on the globe when my parent's told us we were moving there).  I cannot imagine how scary that was as parents, and how much pressure my dad had to have felt to move us there.  He wanted it to be a positive experience for us, and worked hard at making it one.  And it honestly was the best decision- we all have such incredible memories of living there and it was truly such a gift.  Hard to believe we moved back to the US 10 years ago this month.

- At work I spend a lot of time helping new moms understand that your children learn by what you do, not by what you say (it's true yall).  I cannot imagine working as hard as my dad does, but I have been able to see how his hard work has contributed to my family being blessed with such amazing experiences.  I have seen how by just working harder, and doing more, you can change the course of your life.  A work ethic is not something you can teach, and there are certainly individuals that are comfortable where they are, and have no desire for more.  But his incessant desire to better himself and work harder for our family has inspired me in more ways than I could ever explain.  His desire for us to have more than he, and experience more than he, has showcased such a sacrificial love and giving attitude that I can only hope to mimic when I have children.  I am so grateful that I have parents who never let me settle, and always encouraged me to dream bigger.

- The thing that I feel is most unique about my father, is how selflessly and beautifully he loved my mother.  It is now so rare to see marriages centered around a love for each other, and I cannot express how much this reality has shaped my life.  My parents were married when they were both so young, and became parents when even younger.  When my dad talked about their wedding day to us last year when looking at their wedding pictures, he confessed that he had absolutely no idea what would become of them that day.  He feared the worst but hoped for the best.  He talked about his love for my mom, and how much she changed his heart, and his life, and how much she truly was his world.  As a kid I remember having friends' whose parents faught incessantly, or who were even divorced, and feeling scared that it would happen to my parents.  At the same time I felt constantly reassured by their relationship because of how they interacted with one another, and the respect that existed between the two of them.

Nothing showed his love for my mom as much as the way he cared for her during her illness, up to her last hours.  When we had moved her to hospice, and she was ill in our home, we created a make-shift bedroom for her in our living room.  We left the love-seat in the room to allow people to sit and visit with her.  My dad "slept" on that loveseat, despite my mom's attempts to get him back into his bed.  One (maybe two?) nights he slept on the couch across the hall simply because she was very annoyed by his snoring, but he refused to be too far from her.  He spent countless nights in the hospital with her, learned everything there is to know about caring for her IV, her medicines, her illness.  He risked his job in many ways by taking time to accompany her to important appointments, and to be present during difficult procedures.  He never gave up hope, and was willing to do anything and everything to save her life.  Not only did he care for my mother physically, but it was beautiful to hear my mom speak about their nights in the hospital together, time where they could talk uninterrupted.  It was such a painful process for all of us, but if I can take anything from that, it was how beautifully my father treated my mother. 


They say that daddy's teach their daughter about who men are and should be.  I feel lucky to have found a man in my life that has some of the strengths I admire so much in my father.  If anything, I have been able to have strict standards, knowing that there are a few of those good guys out there, somewhere.  I feel lucky to have found one.

On a last note, to show you how much my mom loved my dad, one of her friends who was treated poorly by her husband and later divorced, was told by my mom that she needs a "Vic".  I hope she finds one...

It's The...

Sights
The rainbows you send, the sunsets you help paint, the clothes you wore
Sounds
The voices that mimic yours, the memories that are on replay in my mind, the songs you loved, the truth you spoke
Smells
Onion breath, the lake water, your home, your "flower" perfume, the foods you made
Wisdom
The lessons you taught, the kindness you instilled, the encouragement you gave, the courage you built

They were right- you never will "leave" me- I just have to pay closer attention to see and hear you. Your continued presence offers the extra, much needed, comfort to get through to the next day-week-month-year without your arms embracing me. Those hugs, those words, the comfort of your smell -- no words explain my hearts yearning for these. It is but God that must teach me how to carry you with me each day.

I carry your heart
I carry it in my heart

Thank You Momma

It has been a year since my mom died.  An entire year.  And in that year I graduated with my master's degree, I moved to Columbus, I got a job, I got engaged, my brother started dating a senior,  scored a 29 on his ACT (!), Brittany continued to excel in her career, she travels like a boss, my dad has worked his ass off, and continues to try and provide stability and normalcy for us all. We all have struggled to keep our heads up and move about our days/weeks/months.  We survived the first year of holidays, birthdays, and life celebrations.  We didn't do it willingly but we made it. A year.

As a mental health provider I find myself questioning where I am at in the grief process all of the time.  The truth is that I have no clue where I am at in the process because I feel it ALL. Grief=sad, mad, scared, feeling guilty, and sad, and depressed, hopeless, and repeat.  Nothing makes sense and nothing feels hopeful.  Something that has held onto me stronger than I expected is how guilty I feel daily.  Why didn't I say X? Why was I so rude when I was 15? Why didn't I ask her more questions? Why was I so freaking tired and why did I spend time sleeping instead of soaking up her love? Why didn't I apologize more? Why wasn't I more selfless? Why did I deserve her love?

The guilt is consuming.  I don't think I am unique in feeling this way, either.  It is the by-product of simply not having enough time with her.  It is so super common for adult children to apologize to their parents once they are parents themselves.  I didn't get that chance.  It is so super common for adult children to fully understand their parents love once they are older and wiser.  I didn't get the chance to become wiser.  I feel robbed.  And mostly, what is so difficult, is to know that truly, everyone who knew her was robbed.

I also feel the need to grieve for my mom.  Grieve what she is missing, on her behalf since she would have done anything (AND DID EVERYTHING) to stay with us just a little bit longer.  While on hospice she was dreaming aloud one day and whispered that she had to get better for us.  I have no idea what she was dreaming but I imagine she was arguing with God about his [stupid] decision to take her from us.  She wanted to be here.  She NEVER prioritized her feelings over our need (which was also hard).  She is missing out on so much.  And we don't quite know how to navigate the "so much" without her guidance.

In my line of work, and in life in general, I come across really bad moms a lot.  Moms  who prioritze their looks, feelings, livlihood over their kids.  Who eat the last bite when the kids are starving, who social media rather than talk to their kids, who would rather vacation alone than with their family, who scream hate towards their struggling kiddos rather than love them.  There are moms who encourage their kids to hate themselves, who preach they are ugly, and who preach low self worth.  There are moms who are truly evil and wish horror onto their kids and love the attention they get when their kids are sick (seriously, it happens).  I'm telling you-there are really bad moms. 

And then there are just "ok" moms. The ones who whine on social media every day about their kids.  Who whine about their toddlers and whine about their 20 year olds.  There are the moms that scream and hit their kids, and the moms that just don't care about their kids feelings.  And even the decent moms, but they just don't do everything in their power to be a GREAT mom.

My mom was none of those things. She did everything for us and wanted the world for us, and fought to get us the world.  She grew up with us and helped us navigate every decision and turn we came upon.  And mostly, she never put herself first, it was always about us.  At times I feel so guilty about this, but I also understand that her greatest joy was to love others.

My mom would have loved being the mother of the bride (and groom!) while there are other women who complain about this, or who don't take the time to help their kids in this stage of life.  My mom would have been thrilled to have grandkids and would have helped out more than I could've ask for, and other grandma's complain about their grandkids and detest spending time with them.  People seriously take it for granted that they GET to have these experiences, they are blessed to be here to see their children grow up.  Not all moms get to do that.

And before you think I am mom-bashing, I am not.  If you are lucky enough to still have your mom, 50 or 99, stop complaining about how bad she is at being a mom and take her for what she is. Learn from her, ask questions, and mostly, THANK HER. If you are a bad mom (no hate) try to think about what your priorities are. What legacy are you leaving behind?

And if you thought I was the only one who sees my mom through such rosy glasses read these words from my dad, clearly she impacted us all in this way.

"She loved you guys so much and dedicated her entire life to help you become the women that you are.  The way to continue to Honor her is to keep her in your memory and to have pride in who you are.  That is what she always wanted and of course to be Happy.
She taught me more than any book could have on how to live and love.  Her ability to have humor and Choose to be Happy combined with her incredibly deep love for all if us;  allowed her to fight to the last minutes."

THE dress

From the time you are a little girl to the time you are all grown up, women wear hundreds (thousands?) of dresses.  That being said, there is ONE dress that simply outdoes them all..

your WEDDING DRESS of course!

Back in January I started my hunt.  I went a handful of places in the Dublin Ohio area, and each boutique/store had its pros and cons.  As a bride who has never tried on a wedding gown before, I was so unsure of what to expect and simply had no idea what I was getting myself into.  When we went the first time I specifically remember a consultant explaining the layout of the store and remember my eyes getting wider and wider.  My sister offered a needed "calm down" comment and I was able to regroup and dive in. 

Wendy's
Do you want to go somewhere with a humongous selection of popular, decently priced designers? Ok, so go to Wendy's.  Do you want to go somewhere you may end up with an evil older woman named "Sue" who will ridicule you and be obnoxious the whole time? Ok, so go to Wendy's.  I decided to go to Wendy's because in my search of salons, they by far offered the largest range of designers.  I appreciated that I could try on a gazillion styles and designers at one place. And I got to, sort of.

We walked through and pulled dresses, but Sue, my consultant, would frequently tell me that the dresses I pulled were not right for me.  That being said I definitely fell in love with a dress here.  It was hard though because the majority of dresses I tried on here, I loved.  It was overwhelming as there were way too many brides trying on at that time, and I had a consultant who cared more about figuring out why my mom wasn't there (yeah, not delicate at all to the immense sense of emptiness that not having my mom there left me with) and with figuring out if I was a "trier or a buyer".  Well, pretty sure you have to try before you buy lady.  Oh and she also may have attempted to assault my sister had she taken a picture.

Alfred Angelo
Seriously the only thing that comes to mind when I think of this store is the Disney Princess line.  And that may be something you're into, but oh hell no.  I may have loved snow white, little mermaid and belle as a child but I don't need a wedding dress inspired by them.

The nice thing about Alfred Angelo? Though it is a large chain like David's (we'll get there) their quality of material and style options were much better.  They have great bridesmaids and mother dresses too.

Ivy Bridal
Are you looking for a dark, quiet, expensive, unique bridal experience? This one is for YOU!  My sister loved the dresses here, I did not.  Well that may be too harsh.  I thought some were absolutely beautiful.  Their prices were intense and they are definitely kind of snooty when it comes to their designers.  They pride themselves on the rare designers they carry.  Which is cool, but I am just not hipster enough I guess. 

Oh and also, if you are larger than a size 4 good luck getting into their dresses.  I unfortunately am larger than a size 4 right now and some of the dresses just would not go on even enough to get the full picture.  Most of the other stores had a range of sizes or at least a size 8 to accommodate some of us gals with large gals, if you get what I'm saying. 

David's Bridal
Seriously intense.  My Sister and I went here with my Aunt and Grandma and it was a madhouse! It was hard to stay positive and in the bridal mode when there was so much going on in every direction I looked.  I was hoping to find a certain style to try on for comparison sake and they didn't have anything similar, which is fine, but all of the consultants just bombarded me telling me they would definitely find me a dress, forcing me to try on things that i hated.... it was just intense.

That being said, they have TONS of bridesmaids dresses.  They are in every states (and when your bridesmaids live in separate states that is a bonus) and very affordable.  I get very hung up on the fabric and though the bridal gowns I tried on had awful fabric quality, the bridesmaids dresses are comparable to everything else I have seen (though much more affordable). 

Also be aware that David's Bridal will sell your info to a lot of people so you will get phone calls, emails, and more from third party vendors.  David's still calls me asking me if I want to come back in for an appointment...so just be aware.

Elegant Bride
Finally! My most favorite! Well only because this is where I bought my dress :)  After being in places that have so many appointments at once and are so crowded and busy, it was refreshing to walk in and have three women all talking to me and getting a feel for my wedding, my style, and my taste.  They walked me through the store and showed me everything that they thought I would like (and more) and I got to try anything I wanted on (regardless of if they "thought" it would work for me or not).  It was literally the best experience and I loved it.

As soon as I said Yes to the Dress, though, I will admit to feeling an immediate sense of remorse.  Why? Because there are thousands of dresses out there.  What if there is one that I love even more?  That being said, I dream about this dress, think about it all of the time, and it made me feel like a bride...not just pretty, but a bride. 

What was your bridal shopping experience like? Where did you go? 

Zero Dark Thirty

A couple weeks ago, Christopher and I watched the film Zero Dark Thirty. He had recorded it onto the DVR and we watched it one evening before he left for a business trip.  Though I read the description of the film I seriously had NO idea what I was getting in for.

The movie portrays the time between 9-11 and the killing of Osama Bin Laden (yeah, not a light topic for the day).  It shows the work of CIA operatives who were interrogating known accomplices of Bin Laden-- in pre no-torture days at that.  The opening scenes are some of the most repulsive scenes I have ever allowed myself to watch.  I felt nauseous, dizzy, and conflicted.

These operatives were doing their job, and doing it well.  They were in places such as Pakistan where they were hated on, threatened, shot at, and bombed in order to discover information that would lead to the eventual take down of Bin Laden.  That is medal-worthy work, people.  And thank GOD for the men and women (holla at you, kick ass girl in the movie)

But at the same time, their work was degraded, in-humane, and down right disgusting.  They were hitting, kicking, starving, depriving, water boarding and everything in between.  On top of that, they used tactics such as shaming, nudity, using dog collars and more to embarrras and strip away every last ounce of humanness from these individuals. 

Now, keep in mind, the individuals being tortured were likely terrorists. And I say likely because most of the people they are seen interrogating (torturing rather) were not necessarily terrorists but had been seen with a terrorist at one point or another.  A serious case of in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I was left with a deep sense of WHY? Why do we respond to hate (terrorism) with more hate (torture)? Why do we respond to cries for help (from those being tortured) with silence (or more pain infliction).  Why does it seem natural to inflict such pain, shame, and torture on any human being regardless of their crime?

Now I preface my reactions with the fact that I am not an eye for an eye type of person.  I believe in redemption and rehabilitation.  Would terrorists choose terrorism if they had other choices? I like to believe that they would NOT.  And I can appreciate that for the families who lost loved ones in any of the Al Queda terrorist attacks that it feels good knowing the men to blame were tortured, injured, shamed, and caused pain.  But I beg you to consider WHY that makes you feel better. Not because I judge you, not because it is wrong, but is that actually how you feel, and questioning your beliefs is never a bad thing.

Something that also struck me was that the movie critically proclaimed the "no-torture" rulings that Obama put in place.  It was so interesting for me (So so pro no-torture) to see this from the point of view of the people who had been doing the torturing. 

Lastly I will leave you with a link to an article about the movie that is much more eloquent than mine!

Sochi 2014

Is it just me or do these Olympics seem to have a different feel to them than years past? I don't feel the America loving vibe or the unity that the Olympics usually creates.  My coworkers and I have been talking about the Olympics all morning and Christopher and I have been watching them quite a bit.  That being said, I don't feel like I'm missing out when I don't catch something on TV. 

For one, it is hard to be on twitter during the olympics (something I remember from London 2012).  If you want to watch a race/competition and be surprised by who wins then DO NOT go on twitter during the day.  Every race I have watched so far, I have already known the outcome.  Not because I look it up but because my social media addiction makes it hard to not click on that little blue birdy.

Secondly, the scandals around Sochi are absolutely ridiculous.  From the man holes not being covered, the disgusting water, the hotels that are completely undone with wires hanging everywhere, and the list continues.  Just check this site.  It is pretty disgusting/scary.  I think when you see a country/city struggle so much to get things ready for the games it creates a sense of un-excitement.  How can you be pumped for the olympics when the olympics aren't ready for the games, athletes, and media? 

I also think that Russia in general has a lot to do with the lack of excitement for the Olympics.  One coworker was saying how bummed she would be as an athlete if that is where you were going to compete--now I personally wouldn't turn down a trip to anywhere on this Earth because I love to explore especially internationally, I do feel that Russia is not a top 10 destination on anyone's radar especially given the controversies in their nation.  Their anti-gay sentiments in particular leave me with a feeling of divided-ness, not unity, which is something I have always loved about the Olympics.  The fact that athletes have to "watch their backs" while their because of their sexual orientation makes me nauseous.  How on earth are we in 2014 and still do not love and accept all humans for their personhood?  It is mindboggling to me. 

Lastly, I think our world becomes more and more cynical and negative as time goes on rather than the other way around.  A lot of that likely has to do with how quickly news can spread and how much news is worth.  We can't find articles about the strides Sochi has made for the Olympics to take place because those don't exist.  It's not that they haven't made strides, but that negative news is more "exciting".

All of that being said- I love the Olympics and I love watching the competitions.  I still think the Summer games are much more exciting but watching people fly through the air on skis and snowboards is pretty fantastic.