Happy New Year--2013!

Never have I been so grateful to leave a year behind me!  I have had a countdown to 2013 since September, and I am so glad to be saying goodbye to 2012 tonight, though I am not saying good-riddens exactly how I had planned.  I have been fighting a silly cold since right after christmas and am not able to visit my mom in the hospital.  My mom and dad will be ringing in the new year together in the hospital, and Zach and I will be ringing it in here at home, that is, if I can stay awake!

2012 has been rough for many reasons; countless health battles for my mother, countless emotional struggles that my family has had to overcome including the death of my my papaw, and simply watching my mom fight so hard every single day.  On top of that I have had long work/school days, my dad has as well making schedules complicated, my sister is likely VERY sick of her car and the drive from MI to IN, and Zach is likely sick of people asking him how he is doing and asking him about his grades.  My boyfriend moved across the country to SC and I miss him all of the time. BUT there have been GREAT things too...

Great 4th of July memories at the boat, great Seabrook memories, an incredible man I have truly fallen in love with, a family that I will forever be grateful for, a brother who is now driving an AWESOME jeep, a mother who has shown me what strength really is, a papaw who left this earth not before showing me what generosity is, a life of endless learning. 

I am really hoping for a 2013 that is full of health, prosperity, generosity in this nation, beauty, happy changes, and man and I living in the same zipcode!!!

My 2012 final thoughts is something that has struck me lately, which is how often people tell my momma to keep fighting, or to stay strong, and while I understand that these words are meant in good faith, they are actually quite inconsiderate.  Well I think they are, I haven't had the courage to ask her what she thinks because I would likely cry.  I think they are inconsiderate simply because it takes her strength to wake up, to move her legs from side to side, to move in her bed, when she has to ASK to get up, to take her 20+ pills twice a day, etc etc etc.  The strength she has is more than any of us have, and she already has that strength...AND that strength has nothing to do with the outcome of her illness.  She is fighting, as are the doctors, as is her family, but the outcome of her illness, her prognosis, if you will, should never be a reflection on her; and words like "keep fighting" or "stay strong" implies that she has the option to not do that for one, and two that the result of not doing that would be failure.  I'm sure people may disagree, but I feel that applauding her strength and incredible tenacity would be much more appropriate, I just don't think we as a culture know these things unless you have experienced it personally.

Needing Encouragement

As we get closer to the Mayan's "end of the world" I feel myself wondering if it could be true. Well not really. But more so wondering that if this is my current reality, how much is the true end of times going to suck? If children are dying in massacres, if cops are being killed on duty, and NFL stars are making their children parent-less now; what should I expect for the end of times?

It's no surprise that I am a firm supporter of improving access to mental health resources in this nation given my profession, but I find myself being even more concerned about this issue considering the fact that I am in a country where buying an assault weapon is easier than accessing mental health services. I only need an ID and the cost of the weapon, and any big sporting goods store vs my ID, insurance, money, and obviously the fortune of living in a neighborhood with mental health services and the gumption to fight the stigma attached to said services.

When are we going to address this? So you all want your cool guns and your stupid amendment 2? Well I want my fellow neighbors to have access to resources that will better their lives, improve society and keep us safer. I don't give a shit about your stupid guns, but until we address the bigger issues in this country, it is simply unwise to continue to allow these weapons to be as accessible as they are.

I was talking with my mom, her pastor and his wife today about this. Something he said stood out to me, he said that every time he discusses mental health in church he has several individuals express gratitude re his openness in expressing mental illness not as a character flaw but as an actual disease. When is our nation going to follow suit?

A Homeless Man, A Reminder

Last week when I was on one of my many bus rides of the week between the hospital and campus, I found myself on a bus with a man who was likely homeless.   When he got onto the bus, people moved away from where he was, and while this man did carry quite a stench with him, I was angry with the people who did this.  So, I started to talk to him.

Though I didn't have enough time to learn his whole life story, I was able to learn that he isn't from Ann Arbor, but found himself here because he thought people (family I think) here would help him.  They have not helped him, however, and he has been living on the streets for too long to keep track of, or so he said.  The man needed help finding 7-11, and since I was walking to my office on State St, I told him to walk with me and that he would be able to find it.  When we said goodbye the amount of gratitude that he expressed was simply unbelievable.  All I had done was offer humanity to this man, I did not judge, I did not fear, and I did not act oblivious to his needs.  I talked to him, I treated him how I would hope others would treat me if I myself were to be homeless.  He was kind, he was gentle, and he was lost.  But why?

In such a political time in our country, we are being bombarded with FALSE information on a daily (if not hourly) basis regarding what each presidential candidate can give us.  One thing that is TRUE, though, is that the Republican agenda would here about this man I tell you of and then stick up its nose, walk away, and whisper that he should help himself.  And if he can't help himself, then find a community resource that can.  In this agenda there is an assumption (well there are lots) that every human being has equal access to a prosperous life.  Well we KNOW this isn't true.  How are we all granted equal access to this is our education is not equal, if our kids are not made aware/taught about how to "help" themselves through education and better jobs?  Well we just aren't.  Our country's institutions are racist on a daily basis, kids from poor families with druggie mommy and daddy's are no longer getting benefits, and it's becoming harder and harder for minority populations to have a chance at making it "big and prosperous" even when they are educated about their choices.  And if you're wanting to argue with the racist comment, tell me why white people get organs more than minorities (even when controlling for any representation distributions).  Or tell me why black babies die 3 times more often in infancy than white babies.  Well you can't explain these things without acknowledging the research that points to institutionalized and experienced racism.

So why do I care?  Well I care for LOTS of reasons.  Being a social worker, I am COMPLETELY committed to fighting for social justice even if it is not the popular ideology.  I also care because this man is utilizing services right now, like shelters, food banks, and counseling, that will be taken away from him if Romney is put into office.  Government program cuts means our most vulnerable clients suffer. 

Yes I am ranting, but it is incredibly important.  So much of the media DOES NOT educate you on the implications of your vote.  Learn. Research. and vote. 

Pure Hell

I hope my mom has no memory of the last few days, and I hope that one day my dad and I can forget them too.  In all honesty, when I think of the pain she has endured, and what her body has gone through, it is simply hard to hold it together.  It is unbearable to watch someone I love so much in so much agony as she fights so hard with such tenacity to save her life.  My mom has something in her I haven't found in another human being, it's an ability to be gracefully in pain, and absolutely beautiful despite being in complete agony.  I will never understand where her strength comes from but I can't begin to express my gratitude.  Because if she wasn't willing to fight this hard, and endure this pain, she wouldn't be choosing to fight for her life.

This week marks the beginning of my last YEAR OF [GRAD] SCHOOL.  In eight months (from today) I will be an MSW smarter, and maybe a few pounds lighter if I stay this busy and this addicted to Pure Barre (I'll tell you about it in another post!!!!).  Zachary starts school tomorrow, my dad went back to work today after spending all weekend with my mom (we took shifts and never left her alone, really).  It's hard to imagine leaving her alone, but at the same time I know that she is 1. Safe...the staff on the BMT is absolutely amazing and she has been cared for so well.  and 2. we knew that this was inevitable that we would have to get in a routine...and once we start it we will feel more comfortable with it.  Several of her friends have offered to come visit and sit with her and that has been a blessing for us (and probably her! She's probably sick of us!) 

At the end of the day, we knew it was going to be hard, and I can only hope that with the transplant taking place tomorrow (DAY 0) that she will feel better within a matter of weeks/months.  I'll take waiting that long in exchange for some YEARS with my momma. 

A Long Time Coming

Yesterday was the first day that I felt fall in the air. It totally freaked me out but also totally got me excited about the things I love about fall.  Us Polen's sure have been through a lot this summer and the fall is sure to bring its own trials, but there is something about the changing of seasons that brings triumph, hope, but also a bit of sadness. I live for summer; time on the lake, time in the sun, and lots of time with people that I love.  Fall has become a favorite time for me though in recent  years; the leaves, the cider, the doughnuts (cheat worthy), the orchard, the football, and the beginning of a new school year.  Fall has been associated with newness for so long in my life now that it is also accompanied with excitement and a bit of nervousness.  This year it is my last year of school, at least for a good while, the beginning of my medical social work experience, a new internship, a new and longer distance in my relationship and it is also the biggest fight my mom has had to face in her life.  It is sure to be a season of trial, but I am hopeful that it goes by quick and we can all look back one day proud that we got through this season of life.

Though fall is in the air for sure, I am most certainly hoping for a few more heat waves before the frigid cold hits Michigan as it always does.  In the mean time, I'll try to capture some of this warmth when it becomes impossible to think of weather above 30 in a mere few months.

Madre is enjoying her last few weeks of summer, too.  She has an insane amount of appointments in the upcoming week/s that are keeping us all busy.  She is doing s great job of staying active when she can and resting when she needs to.  She is also trying to be very patient with us all as we try to become caretakers and help out with the house, Zach, and managing the logistics of the next months.

Hope you are all enjoying summer!

Home Again Home Again..

Well after very few days home in over a month (5 days out of 6 weeks to be exact), I am home "for good" for at least awhile.  I went on vacation in Seabrook with the Groh's, vacation with my family on the boat, I was in Ohio mourning the loss of my papaw, I was spending time with Christopher in Columbus, and most recently I helped move Christopher to Charleston.  It has been a whirlwind of six weeks and so much has happened.  I am exhausted, drained, and burned out emotionally.  It's hard to believe that I need to be gearing up for another school year and teaching year. 

Leaving Charleston was difficult for lots of reasons.  Not only was I leaving this incredible man, but I was also coming home to reality.  Whereas the traveling life lends itself to postponing reality, being home does not.  August will be a month of getting our house, my family, and my momma ready for the battle (of which she has very much started) of her life, literally.  All of our focus is on getting her healthy, and the month of August will be put to good use in getting us all ready.  It was hard coming home, but I am so ready to get my mom feeling better and to see her healthy and back up to her maximum feisty levels, though don't get me wrong, she most certainly hasn't lost her feisty spark.  Tonight she was teaching us the proper hours of phone calls.  Only between 9 and 9, and make the phone call yourself if you want it outside those hours, dammit.    

Thanks for being a part of this journey with me.  This year is bound to be full of more ups and downs, but I am still holding out for the positive and good news of 2012, and trying to find it in every day.

#272:  Remembering to be grateful!
#273: 11:11.  I absolutely love making wishes and being able to wish for positivity!
#274: Safe travels on such a CRAZY day in the airports today.  It was beyond busy!
#275: I love my family so so much and am so proud of their incredible strength.

Chin Up

Is it true that we must always have our chins up? That we must always be as positive as can be in the most difficult of times? I'm saying here and now that no, we do not have to always be positive. We are entitled to times of doubt, times of weakness, and times of fear. But yes, overall, we must have hope in our hearts or it's not worth the fight at all!